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Café (exercise)

by Xenny 

Posted: 08 November 2005
Word Count: 689
Summary: I didn't work on it as I don't think it's going to do any more than this! I like the exercise - will have another go soon and see if something better comes of it.


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Final version


I left my house
and on the way to where I was going
I stopped to buy a coffee
even though I don't drink coffee.
It was an iced coffee
It was cold and left powder on my tongue
And before I had finished
I left to find a shop
to buy a pen and a book
to write this
(the pen I didn't buy
because I forgot, so I stole it instead
even though I said I'd never steal again
if only to avoid the bad karma.
It's a blue pen and it doesn't write like I thought it would).
Then I returned to my coffee
And the people raised their eyebrows thinking
I was sitting down to someone else's
coffee.
And then I imagine leaving here
and walking in a daze again
enjoying the way things can lose
their focus, if I let them
but wishing
wishing...
And I forgot to mention this morning I saw
a pigeon, with a broken wing
and I couldn't carry on eating my sandwich
because I felt sick with pity
and powerless
And this hypersensitivity
makes me want to hide
but I love it all the same
(Although sometimes
it is too much
and I do want to hide
immobile)
I'm still in the café
And your feet, you people
Fit well with the music
That crackles
Pleasantly from the speaker near my ear



Second version


I left my house
and on the way to where I was going
I stopped to buy a coffee
even though I don't drink coffee.
It was an ice-coffee
Which left powder on my tongue
And before I had finished
I left to find a shop
to buy a pen and a book
to write this
(the pen I didn't buy
because I forgot, so I stole it instead
even though I said I'd never steal again
if only for reasons of karma.
it doesn't write like I thought it would).
Then I returned to my coffee
And the people raised their eyebrows thinking
I was sitting down to someone else's
coffee.
And then I imagine leaving here
and walking in a daze again
enjoying the way things can lose
their focus, if I let them
but wishing
wishing...
And I forgot to mention this morning I saw
a pigeon, who's wing had broken
and I couldn't carry on eating my sandwich
because i felt sick with pity
and I had no power
And this hypersensitivity
makes me want to hide
but I love it all the same
(though the powerlessness is sometimes
too much
and I do want to hide
to not move)
I'm still in the café
And your feet, you people
Fit with the music
That crackles
From the speaker near my ear



First version


I left my house
and on the way to where I was going
I stopped to buy a coffee
even though I don't drink coffee.
It was an iced coffee
It was cold and left powder on my tongue
And before I had finished
I left to find a shop
to buy a pen and a book
to write this
(the pen I didn't buy
because I forgot, so I stole it instead
even though I said I'd never steal again
if only to avoid the bad karma.
It's a blue pen and it doesn't write like I thought it would).
Then I returned to my coffee
And the people raised their eyebrows thinking
I was sitting down to someone else's
coffee.
And then I imagine leaving here
and walking in a daze again
Enjoying my blurred vision but
wishing
wishing...
And I forgot to mention this morning I saw
a pigeon, with a broken wing
and I couldn't carry on eating my sandwich
because I felt sick with pity
and powerless
And this hypersensitivity
makes me want to hide
but I love it all the same
(though the powerlessness is sometimes
too much
and I do want to hide
immobile)
I'm still in the café
And your feet, you people
Fit well with the music
That crackles
Pleasantly from the speaker near my ear







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Comments by other Members



joanie at 18:13 on 08 November 2005  Report this post
Hi Xenny and well done for being so prompt with your response to the exercise!

I like the ending - especially 'crackles/Pleasantly from the speaker near my ear'.
I also like the personal insight,
this hypersensitivity
makes me want to hide
but I love it all the same


I kept reading to find out about the change of tense then realised, of course, that you are in the cafe and that you are remembering and relating the events of earlier.

Make sure you look out for fevvers' next instruction; you might find that this changes quite a bit!

I enjoyed reading and I look forward to seeing more.

joanie








Nell at 18:14 on 08 November 2005  Report this post
Hi Xenny,

Maybe you need just a little more description to work with for the next part of the exercise - whatever that may be. There's a slightly lost feeling that runs through the poem and that makes it quite sad. You said you were going to have another go - why not work a little more on this one - there is something very worthwhile here.

Nell.

Elsie at 20:00 on 08 November 2005  Report this post
Hi Xenny, I rather like the line "I said I'd never steal again if only to avoid the bad karma." Also the bit about hypersensitivity that Joanie mentions. I ondered why you had 'blurred vision' and 'wishing, wishing'. Perhaps it might come out in the next stage - whatever that is!

Xenny at 20:43 on 08 November 2005  Report this post
Thankyou all three of you. Umm... I guess I'll wait for the next stage and see what happens. Thanks for saying there's something worthwhile in it Nell; maybe it's the honesty - I don't think it's the descriptiveness! - perhaps I'll try for some more description if I keep it for the next stage.

The blurred vision I meant literally. It's a habit I started when I was younger of walking around with nothing in focus (not cross-eyed. I think it's a bit like the way you look at those magic-eye pictures but I'm not sure), and sometimes I still do it (not good in traffic). I guess I also meant it a little metaphorically too - detachment. That sounds like it contradicts the hypersensitivity, but it doesn't really. That's probably enough explanation.

Very much looking forward to the rest of the exercise...

fevvers at 16:18 on 09 November 2005  Report this post
This is gorgeous Xenny, I especially love "And I forgot to mention this morning I saw/ a pidgeon, with a broken wing/ and I couldn't carry on eating my sandwich/ because I felt sick with pity" (pigeon doesn't have a 'd').

I'm going to have a look at everyone's poems this evening and give feedback, so I'll add more soon....

Cheers

Xenny at 17:04 on 09 November 2005  Report this post
Thankyou so much fevvers

I could have sworn pidgeon had a d! - it's changed now

Xenny at 17:06 on 09 November 2005  Report this post
Oops - just realised I did it again. Pigeon
pigeon pigeon pigeon
Now the word sounds funny

Xenny at 12:34 on 10 November 2005  Report this post
Is 'near' an adjective?

Nell at 13:17 on 10 November 2005  Report this post
Hi Xenny, it depends how it's used. In this case ...near my ear... it's used as a preposition. If you'd said ...the speaker standing near my ear... it would have been an adverb as it's describing the verb (standing). If you'd said ...the near speaker... it would have been an adjective as it's describing a noun (speaker).

Nell.

fevvers at 13:49 on 10 November 2005  Report this post
Hi Xenny

This is great. And pigeon is a weird word - pidgin might be what you were thinking of, though, with a 'd'.

What I'm doing now is asking everyone to say something about how they feel about the changes to the poem, to their relationships to detail and description and the use of adjectives in their work - do adjectives strengthen work, do they clutter it, does it make a line work hard enuogh or is it laxy writing? That kind of stuff.

I know that your first draft didn't have too many adjectives/adverbs in, but you might want to compare the poem to your last couple and see if there's any difference.

One sad note though - I miss that lovely line "because I felt sick with pity' - the 'nausea' works less well with the overall idiom.

Cheers

Nell at 14:31 on 10 November 2005  Report this post
Hi Xenny,

I don't think you had much to remove - the parts with the blue pen and the blurred vision - am I right? You could have kept ...sick with pity... as it was. I do like the change at ...enjoying the way things can lose/their focus, if I let them... This poem grows on me the more I read it - not just because of the changes though.

Nell.


joanie at 14:33 on 10 November 2005  Report this post
Hi Xenny. I like 'enjoying the way things can lose /their focus, if I let them'.

It's interesting to look again and try to write things differently, isn't it?

joanie


Xenny at 14:50 on 10 November 2005  Report this post
Thankyou you three

It's really interesting to do this.

I'm glad you like the "enjoying the way..." bit, because I kept deliberating over it and wasn't 100% sure.

I much prefered, "sick with pity" too

I also had to remove stuff at the end - I'm not sure about whether it loses something or not, because I did quite like the ending as it was. Though maybe pleasantly isn't necessary. But it does slow it down...hmm..don't know

Thanks for explaing prepositions to me Nell - I knew it didn't seem quite like an adjective!

Xenny at 13:19 on 11 November 2005  Report this post
I've realised I haven't really done the next stage of the exercise. Let me just paste this so I don't need to keep scrolling back up:

>What I'm doing now is asking everyone to say something about how they feel about the changes to the poem, to their relationships to detail and description and the use of adjectives in their work - do adjectives strengthen work, do they clutter it, does it make a line work hard enuogh or is it lazy writing? That kind of stuff.

My thoughts....

This has definitely made me think about how I use adjectives/adverbs. I realise when lines of a poem come into my head, they're usually relatively bare. Then as I try and form a proper poem from the original thought I start putting the adjectives in - to make it more 'poetic'! It's not always a bad thing - it's like looking into yourself for more that you can give to the person reading it, to better create it for them. But sometimes it's not necessary and spoils the original feeling.

So in the case of the thing above, it was already quite lacking in adjectives/adverbs as the words were written straight as they came into my head (as much as anything can be), with little attempt to make a poem out of it. And I think most of the ones that crept in probably belonged there. With a couple of exeptions. That's why I wonder about the end - writing had improved my mood at this point, and I was thinking a little more perhaps of writing 'poetry'. (Not sure if I'm making any sense), so it sort of slowed down and the word 'pleasantly' appeared. I don't know if it's better in there or not! I think maybe yes.

Thanks so much for this exercise. Even though I don't feel I've produced a great poem, I do feel fond of my little piece of writing, as has something of the feel of things I wrote as a teenager. I was only thinking the other day that even though my writing's probably getting a bit better in other people's eyes, perhaps it's losing something in my eyes. Now that I have a slightly better idea of what the 'thing' is maybe I can find it again and still improve my writing. Think I'm talking rather abstractly and not making much sense.

Anyway, great exercise - I got a lot out of it

fevvers at 14:33 on 11 November 2005  Report this post
Hi Xenny

Makes absolute sense to me! Don't forget that, again, this is an exercise and as with any exercise, you rarely get complete poems at the en dof them, usually you leave them and come back and find just the thing that will be the start of a poem - and that could be anything from a phrase, to a musical refrain or an image, anything.

Anyhooo, this exercise isn't over yet, there's another part to it! (I'm a hard taskmaster when I set these things- hee hee!). Hope you'll be happy to continue.

Cheers

Xenny at 17:14 on 11 November 2005  Report this post
Definitely!

Mac AM at 14:52 on 15 November 2005  Report this post
I like the conversational tone of the poem, how you could almost be speaking it to someone. It feels like reported speech and I loved the anyway and I forgot which strengthen this feeling.

Mac


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