SCENE: A VERY SPECIAL MIDDLE EAST EDITION OF CHANGING ROOMS. ENTER CAROL SMILLIE AND ANNA RYDER RICHARDSON. BOTH ARE THEIR USUAL BUBBLY SELVES AND ARE TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE ONGOING POLITICAL SITUATION.

CAROL: Hello, and a very warm welcome to Jerusalem and to a very special edition of Changing Rooms with me, Carol Smillie!

ANNA: And me Anna Ryder Richardson.

CAROL: So Anna, bombs going off, a lot carnage and mayhem and stuff, what about the Wailing Wall – any thoughts?

ANNA: Well, you know, I think it’s really quite chic and sexy. (PAUSE) Very 1970’s retro with a 1950’s look but starting to show its age I think.

CAROL: Really!

ANNA: Oh yes. It’s the stonework you see. Very weathered and really suffering in a Walls of Jerico, Linda Barker, sort of way. (PAUSE) Doesn’t it remind you of the barn you were born in Carol?

CAROL: (SHOCKED) Why Anna Ryder Richardson!

ANNA: (PAUSE) Gotcha!

ALTHOUGH CAROL LOOKS OFFENDED, WITHIN SECONDS SHE BEGINS TO GIGGLE. AND SO DOES ANNA. THEY’RE CLEARLY HAVING A RIGHT OLD TIME OF IT.

ANNA: Now then Carol, down to business. What I think is needed here is a bit of colour to funk up the masonry.

CAROL: Stone cladding perhaps?

ANNA: Oh per-leeeeze! That is just so Groundforce. (MOCKINGING) Do remember that special garden thing they did in the Lebanon?

CAROL: (GIGGLING) Do I ever! How could I ever forget the way they tried to dam it up with a stream of milk and honey and cover it with fake manna from heaven!

CAROL AND ANNA GIGGLE AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EXCITEDLY.

ANNA: Well I think it’s going to take a bit more than the size of Tommy Walsh’s staple gun and Charlie Dimmocks bazoomers to drag this wall into the millennium.

CAROL: How about drapes?

ANNA: I like your thinking Carol but I’m after something more than, say, The Little House On The Prairie. I think we should jazz the wall up with a bit of colour.

CAROL: I know hen, but don’t forget the budget. We don’t want our wrists slapped again. Remember what happened when you left the tap running when we were at Boscastle.

ANNA: (EXCITEDLY) Oh come on and get with it Carol, and start thinking puce, magenta, tangerine, scarlet and lime!

CAROL AND ANNA JUMP UP AND DOWN AND CLAP EXCITEDLY.

CAROL: Oh you’re mad you! (PAUSE) So, now, tell me Anna, I hear Handy Andy’s at it again, and judging by all those huge holes and collapsed walls on the far side of Tel Aviv it’s not too difficult to guess what he’s been up to.

ANNA: (BLANKLY) What holes?

CAROL: All of them!

ANNA: (PAUSE) Oh those holes! (PAUSE) Actually it’s not his fault for once because Andy’s been busy breaking through to the other side of the Wailing Wall, whipping together a little architrave in MDF and festooning it with authentic hardened camel dung.

CAROL: (REALLY IMPRESSED) Anna Ryder Richardson, what are you like! That is so brilliant!

ANNA: Yes it is! (PAUSING WHILE SHE TAKES IN THE PRAISE) And then of course I’ll paint up later in dayglow pink – (PAUSE) or green (PAUSE) and then you can run up a set of curtains and cushion covers can’t you?

CAROL: (WITH GREAT ENTHUSIASM) Try and stop me! (PAUSE) So, pet, what ideas have you had for a theme?

ANNA: Well, at first I was thinking gazebo, decking and a water feature pumping into a Hanging Gardens of Babylon sort of Garden of Eden sort of way, if you get my drift.

CAROL: Sounds a bit daring if you ask me.

ANNA: But then I decided against it. (CAROL LOOKS DISAPPOINTED) Too Groundforce.

CAROL: So not because Charlie Dimmock’s got bigger baps than you then?

ANNA: (WITH MOCK OUTRAGE) No it’s not, thank you very much Carol Smillie! (STRETCHING HER CHEST OUT) These are more balanced and perky than hers and that’s why I made little plaster casts out of mine. (POINTING AT HER BREASTS WITH MUCH SELF-ADMIRATION AND PRIDE) I think they’re quite nice and pointy actually.

CAROL: Yes, that’s exactly what Lawrence says. (ANNA LOOKS OFFENDED UNTIL CAROL SUDDENLY STARTS TO LAUGH REALLY CHILDISHLY) Ah-ha! (WAGGING HER INDEX FINGER) Gotcha back for before.

ANNA: (SMILING) Very funny Mz Smillie! (PAUSE) Well anyway, what I’m going to do is hang about a trillion plaster casts of my titties randomly on the wall so all those nice little men with beards have somewhere to hang their skull-caps when they finish praying for the day. It’ll be fun.

CAROL: So are you going to use up that gingham fabric left over from when we made over Anne Franks house?

ANNA: I don’t think there’s going to be time. We’ve got to get it back from Mrs Arafat. (CAROL LOOKS PUZZLED) She makes hats or something.

AFTER A PAUSE, CAROL AND ANNA GO ALL GIRLY AGAIN AND LAUGH. SUDDENLY THE PEACE IS BROKEN BY THE SOUND OF AN EXPLOSION. CAROL AND ANNA APPEAR STARTLED.

ANNA: (PAUSE) Ooops!

CAROL AND ANNA LAUGH LIKE NAUGHTY SCHOOL GIRLS.

CAROL: So that’s about it from the Changing Rooms team. And as another sucide bomber continues to bomb the she-ite out of the city, I’d be lying if I said the situation didn’t look bad. But you know for every cloud, there’s always a silver lining and I believe that Middle East history has been made. (PAUSE AS SHE PUTS A HAND TO HER EAR, LISTENING INTO TO HER EAR PIECE) Yes! Yes! (EXCITEDLY) Miracles of miracles, I've just been told that all of Handy Andy’s shelves have actually stayed up!

CAROL & ANNA: (EXCITEDLY) Bye!

CAROL AND ANNA GO ALL GIRLY AGAIN BEFORE ENTHUSIASTICALLY WAVING GOODBYE TO THE AUDIENCE.


(END)