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Wind chime [3] (from start to complete first scene with Hannah and Adam)

by Mattyai16 

Posted: 31 July 2003
Word Count: 3409
Summary: Sorry to post this from the beginning again, but again some small things have beenaltered. Olny a few words in the first scene, but the fraction of the second scene i previously posted has evolved quite a lot in language terms. What do you think of the end to the scene? Do you think I should continue and finish it properly with the love scene? Or leave it as an imagination task for the reader? Criticism, comments and suggestions are, as always, extremely welcome (and much wanted).


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As he sat precariously on the edge of the bed his entire consciousness was transfixed on the cracked corner of the ceiling - the splintered paint, the mildew stained corners with dense cobweb canopies between verticals and horizontals. The ceiling had the same lived-in feeling that Adam had right now. He felt old when he really wasn’t. He felt like he’d had more than his fair share of cracks in his life, an over-generous scattering of stains on his otherwise perfectly proficient personality and now he felt old. Old like the cobwebs. Like the cobwebs veiled the ceiling Adam felt hidden somehow. He felt like he once knew himself inside-out, knew exactly how he’d react to anything but as his life went on he knew not more but less about himself. Adam had become shrouded in cobwebs.

She would sleep eternally in his eyes, never wake. The sleeping beauty he knew and loved would die the very same. Her purity grabbed out at him, for him, as she lay there - It begged for him, to comfort her in times of desperation to inspire when she lacked it and more than anything just to be there for her, with her. Adam slid his hand lightly across her cheek feeling her warm, tingly, enlightening glow one last time. He turned around, shutting his eyes tight, trying to disengage his emotions. Adam needed to get out of here before he changed his mind. He couldn’t look back; it would be the end of him if he did. His mind leapt from thought to thought, the possible consequences of his actions were flashing through his head. He knew this was the right, the unselfish thing to do. This was best for her. She deserved better than him, and although she didn’t realise it now she would someday, sooner rather than later. She’d disregard him; find someone better, someone worthy of her delicate touch, her true beauty.

He gazed into the corner again, the wind chime dangled loosely, humming from time to time as the light breeze fed in through the window. The one highlight of the otherwise barren landscape of the ceiling was a gift from her. It was fresh, scattering light softly over the room off the metallic cylinders and sent Adam to sleep night after night with the soothing harmonies it effortlessly orchestrated. He stepped forward, his eyes following it until it was blocked out by the rotten door frame. Adam took a slow, deep, fulfilling breath, stepped forward and never looked back.

* * * * *

He was mesmerised by her from the very first fleeting glance. Her eyes were almost closed; her pupils shrouded in reflection. Her face was a moving depiction of misery. A tear slid effortlessly down her rosy cheeks. He felt her presence even when he turned around to walk away, flowers in hand. Adam’s body was tingling, his mind graciously dancing with her emanating glow. He had stopped still, the dampness seeping through his jacket as his thoughts wildly weaved themselves.

She was leaning against a lamp post, the water cascading from the light shell onto her shoulders and hair. Mascara was running down her face, her dark brown hair drenched. The damp black dress hugged her slim figure, accentuating her beautiful feminine curves. Adam was seeing her at her worst, her unhappiest, and he was completely spellbound. Her every movement was traced by his sweeping stare. The rain poured down through his hair, over his face but yet he didn’t move onwards. He didn’t close his eyes, or even squint. He stood, far off, and gazed at her. His grip let loose, the flowers slipping from his hand to the pavement. The roses crumpled into each other, losing their shape. The barrage of water rained down on them, unceasing in its menace, finally laying them to waste.

He walked over to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. The starlight reflected the strange sight on the pavement, of complete strangers sitting together whilst the rain beat down on them. Occasional ripples sent from road middle to edge as cars slid past distorting the otherwise perfect harmony of the two figures. Her elegance contrasted with his raw simplicity. All onlookers could see lovers, not strangers. She looked at Adam, the stars reflected in her eyes and tears, and smiled. Neither of them spoke, they had nothing to say to each other. He took off his jacket and put it around her shoulders, it was damp but drier than her. The air was whistling around the narrow street, wrapping up the clothes around pedestrians’ ice cold bodies. The wind sloshed the water around the pavements, lapping waves against the hard concrete curb and over her high-heeled shoes and his highly polished loafers.

Her emotions were running high, as they tend to after a dramatic, but much expected, break-up. She was relieved more than anything but nothing can ever prepare anyone for the end of a year-long relationship. Not even her friends, who had told her to split with him since December when it was now February. How right they’d been about him. She felt stupid, demoralised and gutted all in one potent emotional basket. Her head was a mixed bag of feelings. She felt like she had a gaping hole in her life once more, one which could only be filled by a deep and loving relationship. She felt ridiculous at not taking her friends’ advice and annoyed that he had finished with her.

Most of all though she craved the name of the silent sweet-looking guy beside her. She longed for warmth, for affection. She needed compassion, not pity. For once she needed someone more than they needed her. She spent life, day-in day-out being demanded by people at work, relied upon for everything she did and was. Now though, the coin had flipped. A guy who wasn’t the world’s biggest success story, or even exceptionally popular, was truly wanted, even needed, by her. He wasn’t exceptional in any ways, he would say. He seemed completely normal. Attractive but normal nonetheless.

“Does she love you?” she broke the silence, wiping a tear from her frosty cheeks.

“Huh?” Adam was confused and taken aback by her break of silence. She peered over at the flowers, then at him. He laughed, realising how stupid he must have seemed. How foolish was his first word to this girl, no, lady.

“Oh, I guess she does yeah. She’s a very special girl but aren’t they all?” Adam felt so comfortable with her already but yet she was so unexplored, so different. He was feeling what he knew he shouldn’t, that he wanted her more than his woman, his fiancée.

“Hannah and you?” she had extended her hand for a rather awkward handshake. With the handshake it rung true that he really had been in a fantasy for the past few minutes of his life. The handshake woke him up to the world; the normality of it destroyed the fantasy of them instantly. His face obviously showed a slight disappointment as she raised an eyebrow.

“I’ve never liked my name either, but never has anyone’s face dropped quite so much when I’ve told them. Thanks all the same though!” she giggled and relit the fire in Adam’s mind. He had stumbled into a fantasy and now it was changing into reality. Reality was never how he wished though, it was unforgiving.

“Adam. I used to know a Hannah once, she was nothing like you”. Once you know someone with a name, anyone else seems to be an invader and Adam was trying to convey this. He regretted saying it as the words cascaded from his mouth and struggled desperately to avoid a grimace as he realised that he’d uttered another stupid sentence. He had a talent for saying stupid things in important situations; this was just the lower limit of his repertoire. He had a dreadful feeling that he’d elevate to new levels pretty soon though.
Hannah for the first time let out an unrestrained smile, with no tears running down her cheeks and no sadness in her eyes.

“You’re funny; do you always look miserable after you say things? Or is it my effect on you? I hope not, ‘cos at this rate you could entertain me all night, and my dress can’t take much more moisture!” The rain was still beating down hard on the pavements, with no sign of it letting up. The sky was black aside from the occasional grey wisp of cloud floating in front of the crescent moon and a handful of stars glowing through the lighter clouds.

Adam excelled himself, “No, I do it when I say stupid stuff, when I mean to say smart stuff. Or when I really want to impress, or when I’m with a beautiful girl on a street corner, in the pouring rain, saying anything that comes to my mind, no matter how stupid. I don’t think before I speak, I just say.” He glanced left to her; she had her lips pressed together in a tight teeth less smile.

“Beau...” she began.

“Yes, beautiful.”

“Do you tell all the girls you bump into on a street corner that?”

“No, just the ones who are drenched to the skin, tearful and needing appreciation for what they are.”

“I mean, not that you’re just beautiful. I… you know what I mean.”
Hannah flicked her hand into the puddle at the edge of the road, spraying some water over Adam’s face. He gave her a look, ending her wicked laughter with a look of silent dismay on her face, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. Her eyes widened suddenly as Adam lifted his hand, launching water to explode on her shoulder, dripping down her back and chest. She was transfixed on him with complete shock.

“That wasn’t revenge, that was plain cruel,” she exclaimed, with only a smidgen of laughter in her voice, “I really will freeze soon if I don’t get out of these clothes though”

She stood up, releasing more water to collide with the pavement and shoot onto her ankles. She put her hand out to help him up, with a stern look on her face, implying if he pulled her down then she would get more than revenge. He took it and stood up. A few seconds of sweeping puddles off their clothes later and they were off. To where? Neither of them knew.

They wandered for a mile or two, both reluctant to lead. Conversation was flowing like water down the streets. They slowed occasionally, contemplating directions without saying it aloud. She always took the initiative. Little did Adam know that they were getting closer and closer to her apartment.

“Do you know where we’re going?” he exclaimed, inquisitive at another change of direction by her. She swept her hair from across her eyes and grinned at him.

“Never you mind! I’m the navigator here. Do you not trust me?” she peered at him with an edge of seriousness in her otherwise carefree tone.

“Not one bit!” he smiled at her, sarcasm was a habit of his but he pulled it off elegantly, “How can you trust me, after I got you all… wet..?” She glanced at him, opening her eyes a little as she did, raising her eyebrows subconsciously before snapping back to normal.

“I… You did get me all… wet but well, I got you first didn’t I? And better, clearly!” her tone transformed from teasing to cheeky as she continued; “I never did get you back though did I? I think you better tread carefully!” As she said it, he stepped ankle deep into a puddle, as she’d hinted. She broke into a screaming laughing fit, grabbing his shoulder for stability, so she didn’t fall over in her excitement. He put his tongue between his teeth and smiled at her, stepping eloquently out of the puddle. He extended his leg in her direction and shook his ankle, spraying some water over her already damp, dress.

“Watch it partner, you don’t wanna do that now do you? You’ve come off worse so far…” she spluttered out between giggles.

“Where are we heading for, partner?” his curiosity was a burning desire. He had for a second considered she might be directing him towards her apartment but dismissed it as a ridiculous (but hopeful?) thought.

“My… my local, it’s still before 11, right?” she lied, knowing full well it was past three if not four, let alone 11.

He sensed the lie before it passed her lips. He peered over to her, with a nonchalant expression.

“Ok, ok… not my local. It’s a surprise! You’re very impatient, has anyone ever told you that?” she dodged another puddle, brushing past him.

“Many times. Are we almost there? You really do need somewhere warm and dry.” A slither of concern and hurry pressed into his voice but almost as though it was a signal the rain halted. As suddenly as it had started, it stopped, relieving their eyes from squinting.

They trudged on, spirits higher as the stars became more and more prominent with the shifted clouds. Silence everywhere, except their continuous electrifying conversation. The air was still full of vapour, which was now oddly refreshing to both of them. They were now on a larger road, heading towards the centre of town when she stopped abruptly. She opened up her handbag, and pulled out some keys, turning towards the doorway on her left, away from the pavement.

The sky had lightened up; morning was on its way. Adam was startled by her pulling out her keys; he knew she was here, home. He surveyed the building quickly. A town apartment he presumed, the outside was Georgian, typical of the area. She had picked out the key and was climbing the stairs to the deep black door.

“Hannah, look. The sun will rise soon; we have a perfect view from here.” Adam turned away from the door, looking across the road to a park. The sun would rise here, light flashing through the plants as its yellow and burnt oranges lit the sky.

She paused for a second, turning away from the door and going back down the steps. “That’s cute honey, but we both need to dry off and warm ourselves. Come on, I don’t bite…” she gave him a raised eyebrow before laughing and sliding her hand over his, tugging him in the direction of the door.

She turned the key in the door, and pushed it lightly, revealing the immediately contemporary design of the flat. The clean lines were smooth and elegant, very her.

“Welcome to my home!” she twirled around in the hall, clearly proud of her amazing apartment. “Close the door then, I’ll go smack the heating on, the bathroom’s on the left there if you need it.” Her voice faded, as she walked through the door on the right, the kitchen Adam discovered as he peeked in.

He was taken aback by the simple beauty of her decoration of the apartment, it made his place look like the dump that it was. He slipped his shoes off, onto the rack beside hers. The floor was warm, despite his drenched socks. The polished pine flooring was, along with the rest of the hall, the essence of style.

“Oh, do take your socks off, make yourself at home. You look drenched, follow me.” She had appeared from the kitchen and grabbed his hand, leading him off again. Her fingers did little circles in his palm, subconsciously. She led him up the red carpeted stairway onto the landing. Three doors were off to the right and two to the left. All the walls were white. They took the second on the right. At the far side of the room was a window, overlooking the park. She pushed him over towards it after releasing his hand.

“Voila, your sunset!” she smiled, “Now to get you out of these wet clothes? I left your suit jacket on the counter in the kitchen, its a little damp.”

She stepped towards him with a look, as if she was testing the water. She slid her arms around the back of his neck, feeling his breath against her face. She pushed his collar up, putting a finger between the top button of his shirt and tie, and pulling it towards her, undoing the tie slowly. She looked into his eyes, as she undid the top button of his pale blue shirt. His purple tie had already hit the carpet, he looked down. Adam was unsure of what to do - he wanted her so much but…

She slid a hand round his back, lifting his shirt up, untucking it from his trousers.

“We… we shouldn’t do this.” He spluttered out, regretting it as the words flew from his lips. She closed her eyes for a second; fighting the urge to force herself on him, to prove that he wanted her as much as she did him. She knew it was wrong as she backed away, smiling despite her feelings.

“I really really like you, and want to… but we, I can’t. My fiancée, I mean, mmm…”his mind was a whirl. He did want to as much as she did, but her responsibility had drifted away with her boyfriend.

“I do understand. I should never have invited you back here… I’m sorry. I’ll get your jacket and order a taxi, yeah?” she mumbled as she walked off slowly, the black dress still hugging her sides.

“Yeah, I think that’s best” as he followed her down the stairs, his tie in his hand, shirt still untucked and top few buttons undone. She walked into the kitchen followed by him, both silent. She picked up the phone from the marble finish worktop, dialling a number from a little etched on note by the breadbin.

“Hey, yeah I’d like a taxi for 13 Montgomery Road, Upper Lakeside.”

“Oh good, you know it. Just for one person” she said as she looked around at him, slight disappointment in her words, her lips pressed tightly together.

“Yes I do realise its 5am, thank you all the same though.” A slight bitterness had edged into her voice as she ended the call and lay the phone down face up on the surface. She led him into the living room, where they both sank into a sofa for ten minutes, practically silent. There was much finger tapping from both. Hannah was saved by her sleek tabby cat, who snuck into the room and lay on her lap, seeking her warmth and comfort from the night.

“You better get your things ready Adam.” As she placed the cat on the floor and once more strode into the kitchen. “The taxi will be here soon”

She leaned over and picked up his jacket from near the cooker surface, and turned around almost bumping into him. She let off a light gasp of shock, before putting one arm around him and onto the jacket around his back, placing it on his shoulders.

“Thanks for this, I think I would have caught pneumonia without it!” she smiled, though less purely than earlier. “You… here, my number, in case… well just take it, yeah?”

She passed him a business card from the little pile near the breadbin.

He was silent, staring around her kitchen still. It really was a perfect reflection on her, so incredibly beautiful and flawless.

She heard a car pull up outside and without even thinking, leaned forward and placed a kiss on his cheek. Pulling away slowly, she realised she had left a pink lipstick mark there.

“Oh, I’ve err…” she laughed, licking her finger and rubbing it on his cheek, removing the mark. “Sorry” she grinned. She looked down, stepping back. A horn outside, from the waiting taxi no doubt.

“I’m not sorry” he said, as released his reservations. Placing a hand on her shoulder blade, pulling her lightly towards him and shuffling towards her himself.

“I should have done this before,” he whispered in her ear. He slid his hand through the back of her, still moist, hair, pulling her closer. Their eyes had met and seemed as if they’d never wonder again. Their lips touched and as they slowly explored each other’s mouths, the passion increased with the heat in the kitchen.






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Comments by other Members



Mattyai16 at 01:52 on 04 August 2003  Report this post
Sorry, I realise posting it from the start may be a bit much.....

Matt

Nell at 07:55 on 04 August 2003  Report this post
Matt, I saw this the other day, but there's been so much to do - will try and read it today. Nell.

Ralph at 10:46 on 04 August 2003  Report this post
Matt,
You've kept the poetry and the romance of this piece flowing beautifully, but I'm starting to find it difficult to stay completely with the characters as the story progresses. This might just be because I'm familiar with the introduction now, so I'm not as easily caught in it (and I know that it does catch the reader). One thought, though, was that the level of description stays the same throughout the moments between Hannah and Adam. It enlivens to begin with, but I think it strains against the intimacy of the situation after a while. It's just a thought, and you're welcome to disagree with me entirely. Let me know what you're thinking....
Other than that I found this entirely believeable, and the awkwardness of that wanting but not feeling quite comfortable really penetrates. I love the idea.
Hope this helps a little bit
Keep writing
Huggs
Ralph

Nell at 11:35 on 04 August 2003  Report this post
Matt,

I've read this particular version twice now, and I'm finding it difficult to analyse in respect to the two previous versions, since I can no longer look at those. I believe if I can remember, the first consisted of just the opening scene and ended when he slipped away from her bedside, the second was longer and took us to the puddle-splashing, the part new to this begins as they set off for her flat.

You've kept the dreamy quality, which is good, and it's odd that you've been able to do that, as their conversation and actions seem quite down-to-earth. I did wonder if the tears falling down her face would be visible in all that rain, later you describe her cheek as 'frosty', and later still you have her say that his jacket is 'a little damp' when I'd imagined it would be soaked. These are small things, and of course others may not agree. I'm wondering now if you intend to leave this or go on with it and describe how he came to leave so strangely? Bringing the story full-circle as it were. Did he leave because she was so perfect and he felt unworthy of her? Or was that a comfortable self-delusion to ease his conscience? Her last boyfriend left after a year, perhaps Adam could also, and the reader could imagine this girl's life continuing in this way for reasons not entirely obvious. Perhaps. But it's your story, and I only hope that my perception of it has ben of some help.

Best, Nell.

Mattyai16 at 14:52 on 04 August 2003  Report this post
Hey,

Ralph - I always get that feeling of drifting away when I read something more than once or sometimes, if I'm lucky, twice. I was very conscious of the levels of description all the way through, even when they're getting more intimate. I guess I chose to keep it at the same level because I haven't quite grasped exactly what gives this piece the injection of 'dreaminess' and I think it's the description, because the speech is informal. I will definitely bear in mind your comments on description, when I capture what makes it dreamy.

Nell - The other two are in the archive if you want to read them, but you're right about the content of the other two. I hadn't really considered the frosty cheeks or tears falling down her face. I guess you couldn't see the tears falling down her face in the rain, but you would be able to see her crying, because of the redness of her eyes et cetera. "A little damp" was on purpose, I don't know why I didn't put soaking. I guess i thought it clashed with all the soft flirty speech going on? I'll take another look at all of these, though.

With regard to the next step, I'm not sure on the next scene yet because I've yet to be sufficiently inspired. I was going to at least link upto the start at some point though, and if i still like the story and it fits, carry on after then. The present thinking is that he did feel unworthy of her but I may change my mind. The idea was after reaching the start again, he'd start his new life, become a surprising success, in whatever field i choose for him. She never gets over losing him, as he was far more to her than he realised. She searches for him for months but gives up in the end. She can't fail to notice him though as his success becomes very apparant in their society and they eventually bump into each other again and...... Well it's an idea at least.

Thank you both for your comments

Matt

SelectivelyDeaf at 15:13 on 06 August 2003  Report this post
Matt, i'll begin by apologising because i'm new and i'm just reading as much as i can at present. I'm not choosing pieces other than by purely coming across them as i browse.

I read your piece and enjoyed it very much. The others commenting before me hit the nail on the head as far as dreaminess, etc are concerned.

Please do not take the items below as criticisms, they are purely meant as comments.

1) I thought the water splashing incidents took up too much of your prose and should maybe have been a shorter part of the whole scene. On the other hand, i have to admit the feelings, etc are well described as the story unfolds.

2) Penultimate paragraph: "....he said, as released his reservations..." seems grammatically incorrect to me.

Again, i'm sorry if i'm out of order here, but i thought you might want the comments from a 'readers' perspective (i haven't really written enough to be anything else just yet).

The story grips the reader very well and urges you to finish reading. I initially thought i'd scan it briefly, but i found myself drawn in and wanting to read the whole piece.

I'd be interested to know what your plans are for the story.

Mattyai16 at 19:04 on 06 August 2003  Report this post
You're spot on with the grammatical error in the penultimate paragraph, my lack of proper proof reading shines through again.

With regard to the next scene all i can say really at the moment is:

With regard to the next step, I'm not sure on the next scene yet because I've yet to be sufficiently inspired. I was going to at least link upto the start at some point though, and if i still like the story and it fits, carry on after then. The present thinking is that he did feel unworthy of her but I may change my mind. The idea was after reaching the start again, he'd start his new life, become a surprising success, in whatever field i choose for him. She never gets over losing him, as he was far more to her than he realised. She searches for him for months but gives up in the end. She can't fail to notice him though as his success becomes very apparant in their society and they eventually bump into each other again and...... Well it's an idea at least.


Thanks Mark (and no you're not out of order at all! Comments, criticism and advice are very much what i'm looking for)


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