A scab called life
Posted: 19 October 2005 Word Count: 160
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like the praying harlot whose hands drip with prune juice as she whispers her clotted dreams with her cracked lips trembling, because her fantasy sits near, by the window where he stares outside at the man with eyes like the ocean, his laugh: melted chocolate on marshmallow, thick, oozing, perhaps even wicked - everybody wants it, though few indulge.
when being alive becomes a pilgrimage to coffins swathed in smoke and rot, to a place where rats sit crouched, vomiting on summer dresses as swollen bees stick their tongues into fickle pollen determined to make it stay still, but bits escape their darting pokes and drift to the vacant swans with muddied wings, who glide across the tepid ponds, whilst adults with acne kick loose pebbles pus exploding from their painful pores, as unblemished children run past like snow on a battlefield a child for a little while, but only for a little while because he must hurry, after all
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Cornelia at 18:32 on 19 October 2005
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This is really gloomy. I was reminded of Jacobean drama by all the images of death and decay. I wonder if you are of the Goth persuasion? The second verse in particular made a vivid impression of a world gone completely to pieces with diseased adults and doomed youth, (although I think teenagers rather than adults have acne?).The only bit I didn't like was the marshmallow part in the first verse, not the marshmallow and chocolate in itself, but because it seemed to echo media strictures about healthy eating, although I am sure that is not what was intended. I liked the mysterious swans with muddied wings, and the tepid water as a river of death, the idle kicking of the pebbles through boredom and lack of any sense of direction.
Sheila
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laurafraser at 23:09 on 19 October 2005
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have taken away the all the dying are living bit etc.
A little sleepy now, but will hjave another tinkle tomorrow. Think I want to take this poem in different direction.
But few things:
- Sadly yes can get adult acne - Cameron Diaz, Britney Spears -it's practically in Vogue!...-and I have various 'adult' friends who have at one time or another suffered from aa.
-Re the marshmallow bit - was inspired from a night spent driniing red wine in the summer with friends, dipping marshmallows and strawberries into a chocolate fountain that my next door neighbour came around with. We laughed we were silly and we indulged and if it weren't for the fact that this sort of behaviour is not exactly bikini friendly, I am sure we would indulge daily. I am not interested in alludin too fashion food fads, becasue I think they are a lload of rubbish and incredibly unhealthy and unresponsible. I simply wanted to use something that was silly, fluffy and light and make it clash against a slightly darker character. The good looking man o/side the church.
- No not a Goth. Never have been and no inclination to be one either. Too much a colour person.
- It is all rather morbid. But it is just an image. Not a totality or an affirmative. A way of expressing a black emotion that sometimes arises when we feel despondant. This poem is sort of an ode to having an off day. But with an awareness of its own hyperbole, mocking itself slightly, not taking itself too seriously.
Thank-you for your comments Sheila.\
Happy Days,
xL
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paul53 [for I am he] at 11:29 on 20 October 2005
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An excellent piece. Could be tightened effectively by losing a few of the "her"s in the first stanza. Great stuff regardless. Go with that flow.
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Cornelia at 16:50 on 20 October 2005
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Ha! Ha! I don't really think of these people as adults. They always look perfectly OK to me when I see them (briefly) on screens.Maybe they are all covered in make-up, having had their pores plugged up first, of course, so the pus wouldn't mess it up. I don't do despondency, so can't imagine the state of mind very easily, but at least it must encourage you that these two were not held back by their skin problems.
Glenda Jackson lives at the top of my road, and she has the most terrible acne scars. They didn't hold her back, either. Come to think of it, acne is not the worst thing you can get.
Oh, the swans reminded me a bit of Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction. I still can't figure out the prune juice.
I use to have students who were keen Goths, but some of their practices were not very attractive, I must say.
I look forward to some more cheerful offerings.
Sheila
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Shika at 16:51 on 21 October 2005
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This was sensuous in a dark compelling way. I loved the snow on a battlefield and brief child hood. I think it worked well as a dark piece. S
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Beanie Baby at 09:29 on 20 December 2005
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This is powerful stuff, Laura, and very deep. It is written beautifully and I think it really illustrates the two sides to life - the black, the white, the good, the bad, the low, the highs etc. I thought the melted choclate on marshmallow was a light and clever touch.
Despite the fact it has nightmarish echoes, I love the feel of it and the sounds. It really is a fantastic piece of writing.
Beanie x
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seanfarragher at 21:12 on 17 March 2006
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like the praying harlot whose hands drip with prune juice
as she whispers her clotted dreams with her cracked lips
trembling, because her fantasy sits near,
by the window where he stares outside
at the man with eyes like the ocean,
his laugh: melted chocolate on marshmallow,
thick, oozing, perhaps even wicked -
everybody wants it,
though few indulge.
when being alive becomes a pilgrimage to coffins
swathed in smoke and rot,
to a place where rats sit crouched, vomiting on summer dresses
as swollen bees stick their tongues into fickle pollen
determined to make it stay still,
but bits escape their darting pokes and drift to the
vacant swans with muddied wings, who glide across the tepid ponds,
whilst adults with acne kick loose pebbles
pus exploding from their painful pores,
as unblemished children run past
like snow on a battlefield
a child for a little while,
but only for a little while
because he must hurry, after all |
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BOLD FACE shows what I love in the poem.
Your first stanza is a winner big time except possibly for the last line "though few indulge" I am looking at the idea behind everybody wants it. (stop) That leaves a marvelous question an opening. You don't assume. It is not over
At the end of the second stanza I would not repeat but only for a little while...
Fine images. It could be further developed (perhaps not).... I truly love the opening.
<Added>
I am sorry the original idea didnt work because i forgot to close the bold space.
<Added>
I did it over again....... I wish preview would work. I would have caught the mistake there.
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seanfarragher at 21:13 on 17 March 2006
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like the praying harlot whose hands drip with prune juice
as she whispers her clotted dreams with her cracked lips
trembling, because her fantasy sits near,
by the window where he stares outside
at the man with eyes like the ocean,
his laugh: melted chocolate on marshmallow,
thick, oozing, perhaps even wicked -
everybody wants it,
though few indulge.
when being alive becomes a pilgrimage to coffins
swathed in smoke and rot,
to a place where rats sit crouched, vomiting on summer dresses
as swollen bees stick their tongues into fickle pollen
determined to make it stay still,
but bits escape their darting pokes and drift to the
vacant swans with muddied wings, who glide across the tepid ponds,
whilst adults with acne kick loose pebbles
pus exploding from their painful pores,
as unblemished children run past
like snow on a battlefield
a child for a little while,
but only for a little while
because he must hurry, after all |
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------------------
BOLD FACE shows what I love in the poem.
Your first stanza is a winner big time except possibly for the last line "though few indulge" I am looking at the idea behind everybody wants it. (stop) That leaves a marvelous question an opening. You don't assume. It is not over
At the end of the second stanza I would not repeat but only for a little while...
Fine images. It could be further developed (perhaps not).... I truly love the opening.
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