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Seasonal Reflections
Posted: 19 October 2005
Word Count: 139
Summary: A few little changes, not a re-write.... :)
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Grey skies smother the last sunny days
A vast blanket of insipid miasma
Hovers over the stark woodland
As I gaze at the Autumnal fall
Damp dewdrops cling to my boots
As coldness bites, penetrating leather
I reflect past months
As I stroll through the season’s glory
A bronze and gold path, crisp beneath me
The seasonal carpet of nature and earth
Trees scatter leaves like petals
My face red, from the bitterness of a Northern breeze
Another year is ending
Sleepy and surreal, like the intense dark evenings
Encouraging the cosiness of log fires
Halloween, fireworks, and seasonal preparations
As children don hats and scarves
Excitement building
Mulling over memories of Spring-time and summer
A mixture of emotions
I deliberate the future and newness of January
Speculation and surmise
A new year awaits my arrival
And hopeful resolutions
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 11:35 on 24 October 2005
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Where is everybody? Your poem has been here for several days and not a whisper. I've printed it out and will get back to you.
James.
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James Graham at 19:48 on 24 October 2005
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Hi Lisa. There's an atmosphere, an autumnal mood, coming through quite strongly in this poem, especially in the more descriptive lines. But sometimes (though not that often) you dilute the poem's effect a bit by including words that would be ok in prose but aren't really necessary in a poem. I'd make a few changes. These are for a variety of reasons, but basically just because there seem to be a few words too many.
'As I gaze at the Autumnal fall...' Leave out 'on the ground' - where else? Anyway, the next thing we read about is dew-soaked boots.
Leave out 'causing numbness', not because it's a repetition of ideas but because sometimes you can leave the reader to fill in an idea. It's Autumn, the ground is damp and cold - numbness of the feet is the result.
For a similar reason, I'd leave out (or replace) the line 'Excitement building for celebration and merriment' - also something you can let the reader supply from his/her own imagination.
Lastly, 'A new year awaits me...' - leave out (or replace) 'just around the corner', too much of a cliche.
I think it's always a good idea, maybe not when you write the poem down for the first time, but when you revise, to look for lines, phrases or words that aren't absolutely necessary. Sometimes another bit of the poem already hints strongly enough at the idea, and there's no need to repeat. Sometimes it's this thing about readers of poetry, who have such vivid imaginations and need to be told very little. Apart from that it's a matter of abridging, or condensing, so that every word seems to count and the poem doesn't seem too wordy.
I'm known to WW poets as the man with the machete - I tend to cut very drastically. Your image of the dew on your boots is one of the best things in the poem (not the only one by any means) but I'd reduce it to:
Dewdrops cling to my boots.
Coldness penetrates the leather. |
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And I'd make the first line:
| Grey skies smother the last sunny days. |
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These are probably too drastic for you, but I think this poem (maybe others too) would benefit if you chipped away at them a little.
James.
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 Ambitions of Lisa at 16:00 on 25 October 2005
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Hi James
Many thanks for your comments.
I agree that a "machete" attack on the poem is a good idea, and believe it would enhance the enjoyment for the reader if they were required to use their imagination more.
I'll have a hack at it and see what happens :)
Thanks again
Lisa
:)
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engldolph at 21:00 on 25 October 2005
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Hi Lisa,
Yes, as James says..hack away and free the really strong, atmospheric lines/ideas like:
Grey skies smother the last sunny days
coldness bites, penetrating leather
The seasonal carpet of nature and earth
Another year is ending Sleepy and surreal,
A new year awaits my arrival
And hopeful resolutions
I like the last two lines a lot.
Plenty to work with.
Enjoyed
Mike
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