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Peaches
Posted: 29 July 2003
Word Count: 13
Summary: Haiku
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How I love eating
Fresh peaches on the back steps.
Like kissing summer.
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Comments by other Members
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 KjayneM at 09:03 on 29 July 2003
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Hi John,
You took away your "bicycle" so quickly !! I was going to post a comment today. Will do on this one anyways.
I really like the idea of this one. I have a couple of suggestions to offer but as usual feel free to bin them if they don't suit your need. I think the first line could simply be "I love eating". I don't think you need the "how" as I don't think it really adds a lot. I also don't think you need "fresh" in the second line as your last line with the mention of summer should be strong enough to suggest "fresh" on its own. One more suggestion, I am leaning towards suggesting maybe you don't need "like" in the last line but yet then again I'm not sure. I don't particularly think it is needed but yet I kind of like how it sounds with it, so I am a little up in the air on that one but thought I would mention it anyways. I don't know for me these suggestions provided more of an "aha" moment by creating stronger more direct lines in the haiku, but in the end it is up to you.
I really enjoyed this one, good job :)
Cheers, Kylee.
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olebut at 22:44 on 29 July 2003
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John
from hangmen to peaches is there no end to your talent?
but I do feel my mouth watering
and the phrase kissing summer just seems so apt
or is she an old girl friend?
walk a safe path
david
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snoozy at 21:21 on 30 July 2003
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Hey Jon,
I love this, it made me smile just reading it. It is so nice to hear about someone being happy for a change, so much misery about!
'Like kissing summer' - I think you need the 'like', otherwise you lose the fact that it is the sitting on the steps and eating the peach that is the special thing.
Snoozy
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fevvers at 00:19 on 31 July 2003
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Nice poem John
Have you thought about losing 'how I love' and the punctuation? Might make it more owned by the reader, which is a nice thing about haiku.
Cheers
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fevvers at 00:22 on 31 July 2003
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oh, and the 'the' from the back steps - adds to the music. You do need 'like', I agree with snoozy.
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LONGJON at 02:03 on 31 July 2003
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Hello Everyone,
What a generous bunch, as ever. Isn't it amazing that 13 words can beget (how do you like that for vocabulary!) so many potential revisions and new directions?
Rather than edit the original, how do you guys like this version
"Eating fresh peaches
On the back steps last Sunday
Like kissing summer."
By the way, Fevvers, if I can find an excuse to get over to the UK again, a pint or three is most certainly yours!
The punctation idea is certainly right, Kylee commented on that recently - I didn't realise I had not used it in earlier haiku.
Take care and thankyou for all the comments.
John P.
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LONGJON at 03:45 on 31 July 2003
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PS
I think I might have to resign from this group - this is for short poetry writers, and I'm 6 foot 6!
Sorry!
John P.
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peterxbrown at 01:00 on 04 August 2003
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A lovely Haiku using the strict formal syllabic form beautifully. What a good line "Like kissing summer" is.The touch of a devouring mouth on the delicate peach skin...... wow! The whole effect is very sensual. I loved it.
P.S. note to shopping list: Buy fresh peaches!
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LONGJON at 22:15 on 04 August 2003
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Haere mai Peter,
Many thanks for your comments and welcome to the group. I've only recently come to haiku and like the form very much.
By the way, how were the peaches?
Take care,
John P.
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