Woes, Vows and Wows of mixed marriages: a fictional conversation


In a lounge, in a house in a middle class suburb in England, the phone rings.

‘Hello’

‘Hello, who is this please?’

‘Mrs. Vyas’

‘Ah! Namaste, Kam chho? Saro chhe’ - [In English accent]

Mrs. Vyas: Alisa? [Surprised but recognises the voice]

Alisa: Ya, aha, it’s Alisa

Mrs. Vyas: Well, well, well – you certainly do remember your Gujarati, I am impressed.

Alisa: With a bully like Juhi as my best friend, how can I forget! - [She laughs]

Mrs. Vyas: And you?

Alisa: Yeh and I am bossy boots! [Still laughing]

Mrs. Vyas: You two are alike. Shall I call Juhi?

Alisa: Puhpleese !

Mrs. Vyas goes out of the lounge and standing near the stairs calls Juhi to come down. Juhi runs down the stairs from her bedroom where she was listening to latest Indi-pop and fusion music [remixes of Bollywood and western music] and reading the latest gossip in ‘CosmoGirl’ magazine.

Juhi: What is it mum?

Mrs. Vyas: It’s Alisa on the phone for you.

Juhi: Oh Wow! Haven’t spoken to her over three weeks as she had decided to disappear somewhere to meditate and reflect over where she is and where she wants to go. You know the meaning of life etc.

Mrs. Vyas: So, I expect you will be on the phone for …

Juhi: Don’t know mum, maybe an hour or more?

Mrs. Vyas: I will go into the kitchen and start cooking then shall I? I will miss my favourite Zee show.

Juhi: Which one is that then?

Mrs.Vyas: Antakshari!

Juhi: Mum, you can listen to songs on the radio or the music system in the original voices. Better than listening to those out of tunes attempts…

Mrs. Vyas: But, It’s fun seeing their attempts – their funny faces and voices. Remember everybody has a star inside them which needs to come out and this is some peoples 15 minutes of fame

Juhi: I’ll try to finish quick as I can mum, promise!!! [Holds her hands to her heart]

Juhi enters the lounge and settles down on the comfortable peach coloured ‘Bentley’ settee and picks the phone up…

Juhi: Hi Alisa. So how are you? Have you discovered something amazing that will change the lives of every creature on earth?

Alisa: Stop being so sarcastic? You know why I needed that break.

Alisa had gone away to think about her boyfriend who had asked her to marry him three times already and Alisa was beginning to panic about what to do. She was in love with Nil (Nilesh) who was a trainee lawyer and Alisa was doing her pharmacy pre-licentiate same as Juhi. Alisa and Juhi had been friends since school days. Alisa did not want to loose Nil but at the same time she was confused about his proposal, so she had take a small break to think things over.

Juhi: OK, soz. So what have you decided?

Alisa: Look can we meet somewhere? Or, um.. Can I come to your house over the weekend and we can have a heart to heart – you know girly-singletons talk like in ‘Bridget Jones Diary’…?

Juhi: OK, how about this weekend?

Alisa: Fine, I’ll get to your place about 6.00 p.m in the evening. Your parents would not mind, would they?

Juhi: My parents maybe Indian in outlook and lifestyles but they are cool! Don’t worry.

Alisa: Brilliant, see ya, bye.

Juhi: Ya, take care, bye.

The weekend arrives. Juhi’s mum’s been busy cooking samosas, dhoklas, stuffed vegetable curry and chapattis for Alisa as she loves these Indian dishes – and to finish off the meal she had made nice cool Kulfi (Indian ice-cream). Alisa arrives at Juhi’s house at 6.00 p.m. Juhi opens the door and they both hug each other with laughter and hi’s.

Juhi: Come on in, you look swell!

Alisa: I do? I guess the break was the right decision after all! But, anyways, I do feel relaxed and can think a bit more clearly.

Juhi: Go upstairs in the room labelled ‘Guest’ and get refreshed. Mums made an Indian meal, your favourite.

Alisa: Wow, can’t wait to tuck in. I am starving. Let me say ‘hi’ to your mum

Juhi: OK, she is in the lounge watching her favourite Indian soap.

Alisa goes into the lounge to greet Mrs. Vyas.

Alisa: Mrs. Vyas – Kam chhe? Saro chhe.

Mrs. Vyas: [Laughing] Oh Alisa you have such a cute Gujarati accent. I am fine- ‘mane saro chhe’. Did you have a comfortable journey?

Alisa: Yes, thank you.

Mrs.Vyas: Right then, go upstairs and get refreshed. We will have a meal together. Juhi’s dad will be arriving soon from work and so will Kish (Kishan) and Ani (Anirudh).

Kish and Ani where Juhi’s elder brothers. Kish was a pharmacist and Ani was studying Information and Computer Technology. Alisa makes her way to the room and gets changed and returns downstairs. The whole family sit down to have dinner.

Mr. Vyas: So, Alisa how is your training going huh?

Alisa: Great, I am glad all the slogging and studying is over. I enjoy working with people and with medicines.

Mr.Vyas: Your parents?

Alisa: Oh they are fine. Life is different in Saudi Arabia, but they are getting used to it. The plus point is the nice weather and its great for dad’s career as petrochemical engineer.

Mrs. Vyas: How is your mother coping?

Alisa: Well, she has found a job as an English teacher in one of the schools, so she is keeping busy too. Um – this food is out of this world, its absolutely delicious. Thank you Mrs.Vyas for so much hard work.

Mrs.Vyas: Alisa you are like my daughter, my ‘beti’ also. I am glad you like the food.

Mrs. Vyas gave a glaring look to Ani and Ani glared back saying

'Mum's food is always great. But it would have been nice to have a change from Indian. Maybe pizzas, chips, gralic bread or even Chinese.'

Mrs. Vyas retorted 'I am sure Alisa does not get a chance to eat AUTHENTIC Indian food like this, do you Alisa?'

Alisa sensed a friction here, making her uneasy so she tried to male light of the situation

'I am a food addict. I love all types of food as long as it is delicious and tasty like it is today.'

Kish quickly butted in the conversation before more was said. Food is food, he thought, why the bloody fuss!

Kish: How is Nil?

Alisa: Fine

Alisa: Look I came to talk to Juhi about some things, but I think of you all as my second family so I don’t mind if we all sat together after the meal and have a talk. Is that OK with you Juhi?

Juhi: Aha, if you are comfortable, I have no objections.

Alisa: Good, that’s settled, after we clean up here we all meet in the lounge?

All: DONE!

Juhi and Alisa help Mrs. Vyas to clear and clean up after the meal. Juhi loads the dishwasher, Alisa clears the table and Mrs. Vyas packs all the meal leftovers.

Mrs. Vyas: Alisa, you sounded very serious at dinner when you mentioned you wanted to talk. Is anything wrong?

Alisa: Um, I don’t know how serious it may sound to you all once I tell you what is on my mind. For me it is a very important issue and I need to make a decision. Your advice or input to the issue may help me make a decision.

Mrs. Vyas: Juhi, how much do you know about Alisa’s problem?

Juhi: Only that Nil proposed to her and Alisa is confused. That is why she had gone away for the past 3 weeks and why she is here today.

Mrs. Vyas: Alisa, have you talked to your parents yet?

Alisa: Yes, I have. In their opinion it’s my decision. If I am happy they are happy. Their only concern is that I should be clear about the implications of an inter-racial marriage.

Mrs. Vyas: What does Nilesh’s parents have to say about all this?

Alisa: I have met them and they seemed cool about it all. I mean one of his cousin sister is married to a white-American boy, so, I suppose they have accepted Nil’s decision also.

Mrs. Vyas: [Sighs] Right, let’s discuss this thoroughly in the lounge after we finish in the kitchen.

Mrs. Vyas, Juhi and Alisa go to the lounge where Kish and Ani are watching ‘Triple X’ on DVD and Mr. Vyas is on the computer. They all gather round and settle down comfortably round the lounge.

Alisa: Nil proposed to me three weeks ago, and, I need to give him an answer within a week. Nil did give me time and space of a month to think things over and I am coming to my deadline.

Kish: Deadline! Is that how he is intimidating you?

Alisa: No Kish, I guess we have been an item since Uni. I suppose it’s only natural to move on to the next stage of the relationship.

Ani: So what’s stopping you?

Juhi: Ya, tell us? You love him don’t you? You like most Indiany stuff like dressing up in Indian clothes, the food etc. You have even picked up some of our customs and language. Infact I admire Nil and you for balancing both cultures and lifestyles. So what’s worrying you?

Alisa: The marriage itself. The arrangements. The adjustments. The acceptance. Marriage vows. There is a whole list of things and I do not know where to begin. I mean most of you have arranged marriages and I wonder if things got a bit stressful in life - if Nil would ever feel that perhaps it would have been better to have had an arranged marriage rather then a love marriage.

Mr. Vyas: You need not worry about arrangements. As you have seen most Indian families are close knit. Even if they have their differences at times like weddings, funerals they all come together to support each other. We will be behind you during your preparations. With regards to acceptance, If Nil and his family accepts you than you have won your battles with everyone else. With regards to vows maybe Mrs. Vyas can elaborate on that, women understand this sort of things better I think.

Alisa: That lives adjustment as an issue.

Mrs. Vyas: Adjustment is dependent on both of you primarily. However, remember it is always, always the woman who has to make greater adjustments. This is not a cultural thing only, but it’s how society has evolved and it still is the same despite more freedom for women. It’s like the employment equality law whereby man and woman are supposed to get equal treatment in the same post but they don’t do they, which is evident from the pay scales.

Mr. Vyas: Also, Alisa you must be aware of the concept of extended family unit. Most Indian families still live within this unit, especially if the boy is an only son like Nil is. It can be a difficult decision for Nil to make and you need to discuss this with him.

Mrs. Vyas: Most Indians like to be progressive, a blend of the best of east and west cultures and lifestyles. There have been many marriages like yours in the community, which were initially frowned upon. But now, as first hand knowledge builds up about Anglo Indian marriages, they seem to be normal with initial barriers coming down and the discovery that no undesirable monsters were hiding behind curtains which would utterly destroy the Indian cultural foundations.

Mr. Vyas: Yes, an example is of Mr. Sharma. Do you remember him and his wife Stacey, Alisa? They are always at the ‘dinner and dance parties’ given by the Indian Rotary Club and The Indian Association of London every year for special occasions or festivals such as Diwali.

Alisa: Yes, I remember them from the parties. Their daughter Nina performed a beautiful Indian classical dance ‘Bharat Natyam’ last year.

Mr. Vyas: Well, theirs is a perfect example of how Stacey and Mr. Sharma together have managed themselves. They have adjusted culturally, religiously, socially and family wise. They have been married for 30 years now. All their children are well adjusted and respect both cultures equally.

Mrs. Vyas: Stacey once told me that she very very apprehensive at meeting Mr. Sharma’s family and parents. But when she went to meet them she touched the feet of all the elders to show the Indian way of respect. The moment she did this, the whole family was impressed and accepted her immediately. They felt she had made an effort to understand their way of life. Through this small gesture she showed that she was determined to fit in and wanted them to respect and accept her.

Mr.Vyas: In most interracial marriages, the religions are different on the two sides of the new family. This is a fact; wedding is celebrated twice - once at a Hindu temple, and then at a church or a marriage court (or vice versa). You will find that some family or friends may make remarks or comments; especially the elders who believe arranged marriages provide the best foundation for lifelong commitment because "it is not based on infatuation".

Mrs. Vyas: Yes, but nowadays the youngsters would argue that the divorce rate in India would be high too, irrespective of arranged or love marriages, if the women were free to leave abusive marriages.

Juhi: Yeh, dad that is true because my friend Lata said after visiting India that "presently, in India, generally a woman is not economically or socially independent to survive a divorce. She loses her meal ticket" plus there is still a lot of social stigma attached to divorcees.

Mrs.Vyas: The observation is, marriages between Indians and the white community from educated backgrounds are at least about as stable as "all-Indian" marriages. Only time will tell how many of these lasted a lifetime.

Alisa: Can't the parents just live close by and Nil can still see them everyday and take care of them all as he wants too?

Kish: That would be up to you, Nil and his family to decide. Besides, as an Indian boy myself with liberal views I still think that it is the moral duty of the son or even a daughter to take care of his or her parents when they are old. I have seen my parents do the same thing for both set of parents and also they have fulfilled their duty towards us. Its part of our culture which I think is a good thing because you also have the family support system behind you always when you have problems, children etc. So just because we have come and settled in England, it does not mean we wouldn’t do it.

Ani: I have also read in Sociology that having your parents live with you and taking care of them is not just an Indian concept. A lot of European countries have the same concept too. Many Eastern Europeans and especially the Italians live in extended family units. Other Eastern countries like China, Japan, Korea have a thing called 'filial piety', where the son has to take care of his parents when they are old. Many South American and African countries have that same culture too. Taking this into consideration, even today the majority the parents are still taken care of by their kids. It’s just in England and I think America where the idea of an old age home exists.

Kish: I think most couples don’t communicate or discuss various scenarios well enough in the beginning about important issues like this. I mean in the beginning the fact that you like the same kind of music, food, leisure pursuits etc. is given more weight than the cultural, social, traditional, economical or other core values and beliefs. Some people find out about these things after they get married and then all the trouble or problems starts. You say you and Nil have been an item for years now; I think you should communicate about the issues we are discussing now with Nil before making a final decision.

Ani: But, then again 'most' Indian guys may follow what is termed as ‘traditional Indian thinking’. It doesn’t mean that all do or that Nil does. Contemplating a marriage of this type, I suggest you just follow your intuition.

Alisa: Thanks for your answer. I know it is very important for Nil to take care of his parents being an only son and I am in total agreement about taking care of parents. I can understand that as I care for my parents too and would never put them in an old age home. And that goes for his parents too. I would live with them when they are old and need care. However, when starting off a marriage, couples really need their own space to get adjusted to each other. I have concerns about privacy and intimacy you know, feeling like a stranger in my own home, not being able to just pick up and go having to account for actions, freedom to have friends, etc. I'll be honest it is going to be hard and I wouldn't like to ask him to choose between his family and me.

Juhi: I am proud of your thinking. This shows you are a good human being and willing to try the hardest to make things work out in your life. Now however the mindset is changing even amongst some Indian families who are moving the parent or parents for someone else to take care of and try to make a weekly visit if they can which is terribly sad.

Kish, Ani and Juhi: We would not like to see our parents in an old age home, never.

Kish: Who ever I get married to, I know my parents will adjust and I will help my wife to adjust also by being honest and straightforward about things. Within the family we have to be open in order to accommodate each other.

Alisa: Kish and Ani be honest ya, both of you are boys would you have an arranged marriage.

Kish: You mean, a semi-arranged marriage? I know that any semi-arranged marriage won't work unless everyone is in agreement. When both people embrace the idea of a semi-arranged marriage and make a commitment, it can be a very loving and happy union. I have an open mind, but I am not against semi-arranged marriages.

Ani. Same thinking as big bro, here.

Alisa: Personally, I think that if the love is strong, it can win anything. All us human beings have a common destiny, and race was and never will be a factor in love. In the case of Indians, its mostly culture and religion which seems to be the cause of all problems.

Mrs. Vyas: That brings us to your last point regarding marriage vows very nicely. We have discussed enough of the pros and cons of an inter-racial marriage. So Alisa, do you want to know the vows Indian girls and boys take when they go round the scared fire?

Alisa: Yes, please.

Mrs.Vyas: The vows in essence means the same thing as in a Christian marriage vows where you promise each other to behold, cherish and love one another in sickness and in health, for poorer or for richer etc. which you make in front of a priest or some one in authority. With us each vow is taken during each of the rounds round fire.

Alisa: And what are these vows? I am sorry, but I would like to understand them so that if I decide to marry Nil and have the Indian wedding I am not going round the fire like some zombie.

Mrs. Vyas: O.K. Under a canopy or mandap, which is decorated with flowers and other decorations, a fire or havan is lit as witness to the Hindu marriage ceremony. The fire is to signify the god Agni. Each step has roots in the old Vedic tradition, which signifies the various aspects of life to follow after the marriage. Do you understand so far Alisa?

Alisa: Aha, carry on please.

Mrs. Vyas: You must remember that the whole marriage ceremony is very elaborate and long. The important aspect of the entire ceremony is the steps round the fire.
1.The first step to nourish each other
2.The second step to grow together in strength
3.The third step to preserve our wealth
4.The fourth step to share our joys and sorrows
5.The fifth step to care for our children
6.The sixth step to be together forever
7.The seventh step to remain lifelong friends, the perfect halves to make a perfect whole.

In the Gujarati community to which Nil and his family belong the above vows are made into four vows, instead of seven, so only four steps are taken round the fire and they are -

1. Dharma: This signifies the spirit of righteousness, morals, ethics and the devotion to religion.
2. Artha: This signifies the right and wrongs in life of earning one’s wealth and livelihood, striving for good laxmi or material gain and success, and endeavouring to help the poor and unprivileged through various means such as charities whenever possible.
3. Kama: In Hindu mythology, Kama is the God of Love. This ‘step’ thus symbolizes the love and dedication that a married couple should have towards each other. They should support and stand for each other, ‘for better or worse’, for the rest of their lives.
4. Moksha: The last step signifies liberation or freeing of suffering. Once a person gets married and encounters the bliss of marital fulfilment, both spouses should try to follow the spiritual path ultimately leading to freeing of the atman or soul.

Alisa: Phew, that is a lot to take in but if you can write this down for me I will read it again and again until I understand the significance.

Mrs.Vyas: I have tried to simplify the whole thing as much as I could. I will write it down for you.

Mr.Vyas: On that point I think we should all go to bed, It’s 1 O’clock in the morning.

Alisa: O God! I have kept you all up so late, but, I have learned a lot.I have a lot to reflect and discuss with Nil before I make a final decision. Thank you to you all. I love you all.

With that they all went to sleep. Alisa went back and discussed the pros and cons with Nil and Nils family so that she could be sure everyone knew what everyone was getting into. Nil’s family were very supportive and between them they came to a mutual arrangement. Alisa rang Juhi to tell her the news that she was going ahead with her marriage to Nil –

Alisa: Hi Juhi

Juhi: Hi Alisa, so what have you decided?

Alisa: Yes, Nil’s mum has been very nice, she has promised she will back me all the way in the family. Only thing is I should respect and do the rites of passage according to Hindu tradition, which would make them happy.

Juhi: Do you mind?

Alisa: No of course not, I will do that. Ultimately, whatever religion we follow I think we all end up at the same destination – the divine creator – only the roads we take are different.

Juhi: What about living together?

Alisa: We have decided we would live in something like a duplex or buy houses next door to each other, so it is pretty close enough to take care of Nils parents, yet it will still give everyone their space. We could perhaps get one house, convert to flats and Nils parents can live downstairs and we upstairs.

Juhi: Sounds great.

Alisa: Yeh, it does and I am sure we will have our share of life’s ups and downs but we can work them out when we get to it. Life is unpredictable so why not grasp the few moments of happiness if it comes our way. So Juhi tell everyone to get ready for the BIG EVENT. Love you all.

Ten years down the line, Kish, Ani and Juhi are all married. Kish and Ani have bought a three-storey house where they all live. Each floor to each family. Juhi is happily married and living with her in-laws also. Alisa’s marriage is strong and she has fitted in Nil’s family, learned to cook some Indian dishes and picked up important traditions. Alisa has 3 children, two girls and a boy. Alisa’s parents are still in the Middle East whom she visits each year or goes over whenever there is an emergency. Every body faces up and downs of life but these people are lucky because they have each other as their support system. They will never walk alone, friends have their place and family have their place in the scheme of life, but together they make a great combination.