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Parents In Love 2nd version.

by laurafraser 

Posted: 05 October 2005
Word Count: 329
Summary: Version Two. has it lost something I wonder?... Happy Days x


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There is a photograph I have that makes me smile,
Of my mother lying on my fatherís chest,
Both bodies bronzed,
My motherís white bikini, my fatherís blue swimming trunks,
My parents' dark brown hair
And their smiles, spread as if for miles
In happiness and laughter
My motherís left hand cupping my fatherís cheek,
His fingertips caught tiptoeing over her shoulder, over her back,
Her head resting above his heart -
Perhaps she heard it,
Thumping and bashing with joy.
Perhaps.

In pure moments of perfection,
Do we hear what we will miss much later?
Perhaps.

Bodies curled and wrapped around one another,
Say this is forever
And then they lie still sleeping,
Not realising that precious moments pass them by,

Version Two:

There is a photograph I have that makes me smile,
Of my mother lying on my fatherís chest,
Both bodies bronzed,
My motherís white bikini, my fatherís blue swimming trunks,
My parents' dark brown hair
The same, exactly the same colour.
I have never noticed this before.
And their smiles, spread as if for miles
In happiness and laughter
My motherís left hand cupping my fatherís cheek,
His fingertips caught tiptoeing over her shoulder, over her back,
Her head resting above his heart -
Perhaps she heard it,
Thumping and bashing with joy.
Perhaps.

In pure moments of perfection,
Do we hear what we will miss much later?
Perhaps.

In the corner of the photograph,
There is half of a leg that is crossed,
A body-less arm stretches out, the palm catching the knee.
I wonder who that person is.
If he is watching my parents,
Smiling at their joy,
Perhaps.
Only perhaps.

In pure moments of perfection,
Do we see what we will forget much later?

Bodies curled and wrapped around one another,
Say this is forever Ė
Or perhaps they do not say it,
Never said it.
Perhaps they were waiting. Waiting for more perfection.
Not realizing perfection ha just passed them by.










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Comments by other Members



joanie at 08:44 on 05 October 2005  Report this post
Hi Laura. I noticed the change of title and you've dropped the doubting! My mind is racing now! I really like this, especially the last line. It is very thought-provoking. I wonder if you have removed too much of the doubt now, though?

joanie

<Added>

I meant to say that I like the fine detailed observation, too, conveying how many times you have looked at the photo and taken in every detail.

<Added>

Oops! Also meant to say it should be 'My parents' dark brown hair' unless you mean the hair of only one parent(?)

laurafraser at 11:04 on 05 October 2005  Report this post
Hi joanie,

yes decided to dropnthe doubting as i thought it sounded too definite and too negative, when the hotograph implied is anything but

the poem is meant to be abt those moments we all have of pure pure joy/love, when e/t is perfect

and then we look back at hem in retrospet and realise we never thought we'd lose them

the photograph was taken when my aprents were deeply in love and i often look at it as it captures something so special and yet chimerical

e/t passes, whether that be an emotion or a person(my father died 15 years ag0) and we can never know that moments we have in the present won't be in our future

it needs more work but going to do so slowly

have added one more perhaps...?

and thanks for the grammar tip!

xL.

Cornelia at 14:02 on 05 October 2005  Report this post
This is such an affectionate portrait of beautiful peopl ein love in a perfect setting, and, of course, we expect it will turn to something more serious, in the hint that the sound of the heart will be missed in future.

I was trying to imagine the orignal pose, with the hand on cheek and head on chest, and it seems a bit unnatural as she would have to have her arm above her head.

I was a bit disoriented by the last verse, with a mention of bodies wrapped around one another, which they couldn't have been. Is there another picture, of the couple sleeping? Or is it the present?

'And then...' suggests a further progression, as if both are now dead, but they can't be realising anything,or, if so, surely by then they would realise it. I am sorry if this is a confusion caused by lack of understanding rather than anything in the text.Maybe there is just a third photo of the pair asleep.

I didn't see the original poem, but I wondered why this ends with a comma and maybe there was something expunged.

'Thumping and Bashing' sounds youthful, which is appropriate, but I think I would prefer something perhaps less violent, unless a sense of menace is intended.

I thought it was a good idea, thoughts provoked by a photo of a happy state that was all too fleeting, and something I've felt, too, when I've looked at photos of my parents when young.

Sheila

seanfarragher at 16:01 on 05 October 2005  Report this post
Beautiful. Marvelous images. I love it. BUT GO Deeper deeper deeper deeper. It isnt a damn post card. It is a mark of your life here on earth. You have the capacity to make that moment special, unique, not ordinary, and all you need do is stop looking at the surface. I know you could do it. I know it. I know what you have written is beautful, sentimental, acceptable, and true. Even acceptal truth has knobs or horns or places where the skin thins. See Jane Fonda in Golden Pond. Deeper...but even there she didnt take it to the base. You can. You have the ear, the vocabulary and the will, do it.

<Added>

You can be deep without expressing pain especially when there is no pain. Not everyone has had my screwed up childhood. You can look at the odd circumstances, and yes, so many of the images you use do that, but more darling, more.

Ticonderoga at 16:17 on 05 October 2005  Report this post
This has a very tender and authentic feeling of intimacy. Finely and sensitivley expressed. The only thing I missed and would question, is the ability to enjoy the loved one's presence even in sleep and dreams, making for further togetherness, rather than a gap of apartness. But, a really lovely poem.

Best,


Mike

Shika at 20:26 on 05 October 2005  Report this post
Hi there

I think Mike stole my raps! No seriously, I liked the inevitability in this poem. The fact that we don't always realise how wonderful things are until they slip out of sight. Very poignant. S

laurafraser at 13:23 on 06 October 2005  Report this post
Sheila, Sean, Mike and Shika,

Thank-you so much for al your words. HAve read htem all and digested. AS i said i know there is work to do and i am doing so slowly. Reading your comments, i realise that the poem meant more to me than I thought, and I THank-you all for that.

xxx

DerekH at 01:39 on 16 October 2005  Report this post
Laura, this is just beautiful. Such clear imagery, and so moving, and the way you say it all is just so...

Sorry, hard to be clear on why it hits the spot dead-center, but it does!

Wonderful, mood changing and tactile language,

Derek.

laurafraser at 11:20 on 17 October 2005  Report this post
Derek,

What a lovely comment - thank-you!

xL.


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