Precious
Posted: 03 October 2005
Word Count: 101
|
Font Size
|
|
Precious.
Through wind and light and truth
A little bird so pure of heart
Flew high above the clouds where air
Was clear, and heaven starts.
He asked of that which knoweth all
“What value was my being?
I am so small and you so great
Eternal and all seeing.”
“Of all there is in natures care
What song more joyous can be heard,
What holds more grace, what lives on air,
What is more precious than the bird?”
The voice was clear, like dawns first light,
Resonating from above
“You are that which shall endure,
I created you with love…”
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 paul53 [for I am he] at 14:25 on 03 October 2005
 Report this post
|
Emma,
I for one am glad that contributors to this site are unafraid to upload poems in whichever form they write them.
In these days where supposedly anything goes, there is often an unwarranted stigma attached to poems that rhyme, or scan, or have archaic terms such as "knoweth" in them. It's a bit like artists who could paint almost photographically were snubbed when cameras came to the fore, but there is still mastery in it nonetheless.
There is great sentiment in this, and delicately expressed.
I still think there is a lot more than we have yet seen, almost as if your poems partly obscure the poet. I would like to see what you would come up with after trying magnetic poetry, or just writing words at random and then trying to string them together.
Paul
| |
 blp at 15:32 on 03 October 2005
Report this post
|
It works as a brilliant pastiche. If someone told me it had been written in a previous century, I'd believe it, so well done. But like a lot of art, especially painting, that harks back to previous styles, what it's believable as is a bit of kitsch. Theologically and philosophically, it's unchallenging and sentimental. There is very little sense of real discovery about it - not something you can say about any of the great poets of history, even the avowedly religios ones. Alright, maybe it's too much to expect you to be a great poet - yet - but it seems worth positing the theory at least that there is no such thing as a simpler time - ample evidence for this in Shakespeare, Milton, Donne, Webster, Shelley, Dante etc. and on an on back to Aeschyllus and Homer. So if what you're harking back to is some idea of a simpler time, perhaps it's time to look again and question that nostalgia.
Nature's care, not 'natures care'.
Dawn's first light, not 'dawns first light'
and some would disagree, but I would write 'that that knoweth all', not 'that which', and the same where the construction appears later on.
| |
Laura Hunt at 16:40 on 03 October 2005
Report this post
|
What interesting responses you've evoked!
I think the work has a light touch - sentimental, yes, but so what?
The last verse does not scan as well as the others, (but maybe that's intentional?) the other three are really well crafted.
I prefer 'that which ...'to 'that that....', both visually and phonically.
Laura
| |
 joanie at 19:09 on 03 October 2005
Report this post
|
Emma, I agree that this reads as an old-fashioned piece of work, but there's nothing wrong with that! I would try to fine tune the metre, though, in the final verse, so that it is as tight as the others. It would be better to have 'resounding from above', I think, and 'You are the one which shall endure'.
In the third verse, try “Of all there is in nature's care
What song more joyous can be heard,
What holds more grace, what lives on air,
more precious than the bird?”.
I just think that if you are trying to write this particular kind of thing it needs to be water-tight. (Perhaps a personal opinion, I know!)
I agree: nature's and dawn's.
An enjoyable read in a particular genre.
joanie
| |
Epona Love at 11:16 on 05 October 2005
Report this post
|
Thank you for your comments, wasn't expecting a quick draft posted for the benefit of someone who emailed me to cause such a stir! The language is only supposed to be reminiscent of biblical writing rather than earlier poets. Not being religeous myself, although having studied religion, the sentiment was just a metaphore for love I suppose, as the bible makes great use of them. I was inspired by a beautiful painting of a small dead bird lieing upon a stone roughly fashioned into the shape of a heart for which the artist was searching to find words to explain how this related to love. The painting was titled 'precious'. The problem was that the bird was dead... so I used the concept of heaven and words such as eternal, enduring.. also pure of heart, joyous, grace, lives on air, to compare the birds qualities to the spiritual feelings of human love. It is precious and needs tending. In a religious sense you could say that all things created by God were created with love and are manefestations of love. For me the writing of this poem was an experience in many ways, and I feel the simplistic nature of it suits the sentiment, because it was meant as a celebration of lasting love. I will probably play with it before it is finished and like the word 'resounding' but 'That which shall endure' relates to Love so not sure that 'the one' works? Thankyou again, I will probably spend hours mulling it all over!
Emma x.
| |
 Brian Aird at 21:14 on 07 October 2005
Report this post
|
I read your poem together with the revelation of its inspiration. I'm impressed - instead of a requiem, you've created a wondefully touching and meaningful story about the value of love/life, by using the symbol of a bird.
Once when I was walking in Snowdonia with a guide when he suddenly demanded that I stop. I was about to tread on a small insect on the path. It was evening and quite dark - I was amazed he had even seen it. I forget if he was religious, but he obviously valued all life highly!
Brian
| |
Clairebear at 13:36 on 16 October 2005
Report this post
|
That is such a beautiful, beautiful poem that speaks volumes. It's like a direct message to anyone feeling somewhat insignificant or worthless, or questioning the point of there being.
Very touching.
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
