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Seaside
Posted: 03 October 2005
Word Count: 79
Summary: Ok, try this one, i'll come back to 'victim/opportunity'.
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Salty sea
sucks the shore.
Succulent sun
shines the skin.
Scorching sand
slides and slips.
Sinking sky
slithers away south.
Solar sight
submerges so slowly.
Soothing sounds
seep into the soul.
Simple silly sports
soar the senses.
People are pouring;
travel and touring.
No need for fences,
nature can protect itself when it needs to.
Exploited for money,
poor people sell dark glasses to see through.
'You smoke big man?'
please forgive us, we know not what we do.
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Comments by other Members
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 shinykate at 17:16 on 03 October 2005
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Hi Stephen,
This is ambitious.
I think you could iron out some of the words which aren't alliterative in the first stanza... The line 'softly hugs sandles' is the one which jolts, mainly. 'Hugs' is the only verb which doesn't begin with s.
To be picky, in the second stanza, I think it would help the rhythm if you replaced 'until' and 'without' into single syllables. Also, 'Yesterday causes yawning' is pushing your luck, just a little.
The last stanza took me by surprise - it seems like you're trying for something emotionally deeper than what precedes it. The rhythm isn't as confident. I wasn't sure where the religious quotation came from at the end, either... it seemed a bit out of nowhere.
Good luck with it!
Katie
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hailfabio at 17:33 on 03 October 2005
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Thanks!
'Hugs' is definately wrong, I will endevour to change that.
You are also correct about the second stanza, I will tighten that up.
The last stanza is deeper, this could almost be 3 poems in one. Perhaps I need to be more specific and descriptive in this stanza.
Stephen
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 joanie at 19:13 on 03 October 2005
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Stephen, I like the first verse alone; I love the 's' sounds throughout. I think I would be tempted to stop there!
joanie
typos: succulent, seep
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 James Graham at 19:22 on 04 October 2005
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Hi Stephen - I agree with Joanie about the first section. If you're going to do alliteration, go all the way with it, and I think the proliferation of s's works surprisingly well. The beach seems super-soothing, there's almost an overkill of soothingness. Then in the last section, in very different, much plainer language, we have a sketch of reality in the form of poor people selling dark glasses. You've handled this well - it's condensed and doesn't spell out more than it has to.
I think I would sharpen up the poem's impact by leaving out the middle section, which in any case has that weak line 'yesterday causes yawning' (and the rest of these lines are a bit forced as well). That would leave us with the sharp contrast between the strongly alliterated lines on the super-soothing theme, and the closing lines giving us that glimpse of reality. There would be a stronger contrast in the subject matter of the two sections, and in the stylistic aspect too, the different line lengths and the change from a more artificial to a plainer-speaking language. It's only a suggestion, but I think that would focus the poem much more.
James.
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hailfabio at 22:09 on 04 October 2005
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Yes James,
I added the middle section late, it is forced and I've chopped it. I like the last stanza and think it gives the poem some reality.
See what you think of the edit......
Thanks
Stephen
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James Graham at 21:47 on 05 October 2005
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Yes, this brings out the contrast much better. It makes the shift all the more striking from the alliterated, deliberately artificial, almost holiday-brochure language, over to the plain language of reality.
James.
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