Login   Sign Up 



by Rai15 

Posted: 19 September 2005
Word Count: 439
Related Works: Beautiful Blue Eyes • Cary • Whispers of a Mind • 

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

They had drugged her
and bundled her away
into the back of a van
her limp wings covering her

They took her, drove her
from the place she knew
took her into urban life
to use her for profit

Crossing the bridge
the doors to the van
buckled outward
until they flung open

Spilling from the van
she landed in the road
and rolled away from
the first oncoming car

Springing to her feet
she dodged another
they made such a din
car horns screaming

Car after car she evaded
until she was caught
in the headlights of a car
fast approaching her head-on

Lightning fast and with
precision aim she brought
down a heavy fist into
the bonnet of the blue car

As it crumpled like paper
the nose of the car hit the floor
the back wheels rose up
and it flipped over her

Screeching brakes halted the next
as she slid her hands underneath
threw it into the air and
watched as it span away

The whole bridge began to freeze
those that stopped in front of her
she kicked aside like
tin cans on the pavement

She created a clearing
around herself and swiftly
spread out her wings
to keep onlookers at bay

The fear affect did not hold
and they began to close in
pawing hands outstretched
make-shift nets approaching

She beat her wings and
carried herself clear
of the ever shrinking circle
surprising them and landing on a car

She ran, avoiding wrecks
and the staring hoards
bashing into car doors
sending people flying

Panicking more and more
seeing growing crowds
sirens in the distance
and flashing lights gaining

She jumped onto a car bonnet
ran along the body
and launched herself
high into the air

Flying low she began
to purposefully scare
those below her who
tried to catch her

From behind her a loud
voice is calling, gruffly
she turns and hovers
to see a mass of dark uniforms

Their weapons trained on her
she doesn’t understand a single thing
they’re saying until the first projectile
whistles past her face

Scared as more come
she ducks and dives
turning to flee but
one clips her wing

She grabs hold of a girder
running overheard the people
heaving herself onto it
she stands and stares

As the projectiles come faster
and harder, more and more
she looks out at the river
and runs for the edge

Time slowed as she silently fell
her wings dragging clumsily
she hit the water and
up above they all stared down

She never came to surface
not beneath the bridge
not downstream
they never found her

Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

paul53 [for I am he] at 12:26 on 20 September 2005  Report this post
Why are you not in a group? This poem is well-imagined and executed, and your laying out and mininimal punctuation serves it well.
My only [very slight] criticisms would be that:
a) I am not sure if the sudden change to present tense [from "From behind her..." to "and runs for the edge"] works; it seems to distract the reader rather than emphasise anything.
b) "car" is repeated too many times, especially:
Car after car she evaded
until she was caught
in the headlights of a car

and some such as:
She jumped onto a car bonnet
can be sorted just by omitting a word to:
She jumped onto a bonnet
These minor points aside, what I got more than anything from reading this piece was a feeling of watching one of the better contestants auditioning on the X Factor: seeing potential and future promise.

Ticonderoga at 15:38 on 20 September 2005  Report this post
Two tiny typos - 'affect' for 'effect' and 'overheard' for 'overhead'.

Otherwise, this is a very cinematically vivid poem; with minimal language you paint a strong, involving scene, with enough narrative to hold the reader and enough mystery to leave him/her wondering about this winged girl at the end.
As Paul says, you should join a group; you have a clear understanding of how poetry works and what it can do, and it would be good to see you among other people who can comment on your work and encourage you in your experiments! Keep scribbling.



To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .