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Woman of Restrain
Posted: 15 September 2005
Word Count: 41
Summary: It's not always easy to make the first move. Something for the ladies.
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The night is young
That’s encouraging don’t you think?
The song is not over yet;
Nor drinks for that matter
The band won’t be leaving for a while
And that’s all good because
The dance?
I’m still waiting to be asked
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Comments by other Members
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 Mac AM at 18:18 on 15 September 2005
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Hello Spider
I enjoyed the sentiment in your poem and the use of questions, but I don't think your punctuation is helping you much here - a semi-colon and two question marks doesn't really help with the structure.
I like the echoes in young/song/band/dance/drinks/asked.
Perhaps you could try writing out your thoughts into a peice of prose and see whether you can build on what you have here?
Mac
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 joanie at 21:31 on 15 September 2005
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This sounds silly but the first and last lines would make a very acceptable poem! Perhaps you could build it up from there?!
joanie
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 Nell at 13:18 on 17 September 2005
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Hi spider, welcome to the Poetry Seminar. Good suggestions above from Mac and joanie. I felt when reading that there's a lot of potential here that you could develop - it's as if the story is yet to be told and too much is left unsaid. You could try some stream-of-consciousness prose - write for ten minutes on the subject without thinking too hard - just let the words fall from your fingers and see what happens. Then pick out sentences and phrases that resonate in some way for you - perhaps there'll be half-rhymes and echoes or glimpsed truths that seem almost-profound - maybe even slightly humorous. I did like that aspect of your poem in ...The dance? /I’m still waiting to be asked... and the vowel-rhyme of 'dance' with 'asked'. The questions too. Joanie's suggestion of coupling the first and last lines is a good one too - it sets up the expectation of a story and nudges the reader's curiosity - it could equally well be used at the end. It would be great if you were to play/experiment with this - I'd love to see the outcome.
Nell.
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spider at 08:02 on 20 September 2005
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Thanks guys. Sorry it's take n some time to respond, have not been online since.My intensions were not really to rhyme but more like to stir up thought curiousity, questioning.
I appreciate the very helpful constructive criticism. I best get down to work.
cheers.
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Mac AM at 09:44 on 20 September 2005
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Hi Spider,
I think what Nell is getting at is not necessarily a rhyming poem (i.e. each line ending with a rhyme), but a poem that contains rhyme and half rhyme within the lines. If you read a poem concentrating on sound, you will pick up the internal echoes of rhyme in words, such as the ones I picked out in yours. These sounds help to make a better poem and carry the reader through to the end and in some instances, beyond the poem.
Give it a try - you seem to be doing it anyway - and you might like the results.
Mac
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Nell at 09:55 on 20 September 2005
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Spider,
Mac has explained it beautifully and there's something fresh and original about your voice too. I think it's a question of not being satisfied with a poem too soon - of going on, trying different word combinations, listening for the music. There is a feel of song lyrics about this piece, perhaps you just need to take it a step further to make it stand alone - as a poem - without actual music. Write on!
Nell
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Mac AM at 11:08 on 20 September 2005
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Hi Spider,
I think what Nell is getting at is not necessarily a rhyming poem (i.e. each line ending with a rhyme), but a poem that contains rhyme and half rhyme within the lines. If you read a poem concentrating on sound, you will pick up the internal echoes of rhyme in words, such as the ones I picked out in yours. These sounds help to make a better poem and carry the reader through to the end and in some instances, beyond the poem.
Give it a try - you seem to be doing it anyway - and you might like the results.
Mac
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Mac AM at 10:40 on 21 September 2005
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I was having a moment!!
Mac
<Added>
Quite a long moment actually.
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spider at 20:47 on 22 September 2005
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Thanks Mac, Thanks Nell. You two are indeed a pair of interesting characters. This is going to be very exciting!
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