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Woman of Restrain

by spider 

Posted: 15 September 2005
Word Count: 41
Summary: It's not always easy to make the first move. Something for the ladies.


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The night is young
Thatís encouraging donít you think?
The song is not over yet;
Nor drinks for that matter
The band wonít be leaving for a while
And thatís all good because
The dance?
Iím still waiting to be asked






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Comments by other Members



Mac AM at 18:18 on 15 September 2005  Report this post
Hello Spider

I enjoyed the sentiment in your poem and the use of questions, but I don't think your punctuation is helping you much here - a semi-colon and two question marks doesn't really help with the structure.

I like the echoes in young/song/band/dance/drinks/asked.

Perhaps you could try writing out your thoughts into a peice of prose and see whether you can build on what you have here?

Mac

joanie at 21:31 on 15 September 2005  Report this post
This sounds silly but the first and last lines would make a very acceptable poem! Perhaps you could build it up from there?!

joanie

Nell at 13:18 on 17 September 2005  Report this post
Hi spider, welcome to the Poetry Seminar. Good suggestions above from Mac and joanie. I felt when reading that there's a lot of potential here that you could develop - it's as if the story is yet to be told and too much is left unsaid. You could try some stream-of-consciousness prose - write for ten minutes on the subject without thinking too hard - just let the words fall from your fingers and see what happens. Then pick out sentences and phrases that resonate in some way for you - perhaps there'll be half-rhymes and echoes or glimpsed truths that seem almost-profound - maybe even slightly humorous. I did like that aspect of your poem in ...The dance? /Iím still waiting to be asked... and the vowel-rhyme of 'dance' with 'asked'. The questions too. Joanie's suggestion of coupling the first and last lines is a good one too - it sets up the expectation of a story and nudges the reader's curiosity - it could equally well be used at the end. It would be great if you were to play/experiment with this - I'd love to see the outcome.

Nell.


spider at 08:02 on 20 September 2005  Report this post
Thanks guys. Sorry it's take n some time to respond, have not been online since.My intensions were not really to rhyme but more like to stir up thought curiousity, questioning.
I appreciate the very helpful constructive criticism. I best get down to work.

cheers.

Mac AM at 09:44 on 20 September 2005  Report this post
Hi Spider,

I think what Nell is getting at is not necessarily a rhyming poem (i.e. each line ending with a rhyme), but a poem that contains rhyme and half rhyme within the lines. If you read a poem concentrating on sound, you will pick up the internal echoes of rhyme in words, such as the ones I picked out in yours. These sounds help to make a better poem and carry the reader through to the end and in some instances, beyond the poem.

Give it a try - you seem to be doing it anyway - and you might like the results.

Mac

Nell at 09:55 on 20 September 2005  Report this post
Spider,

Mac has explained it beautifully and there's something fresh and original about your voice too. I think it's a question of not being satisfied with a poem too soon - of going on, trying different word combinations, listening for the music. There is a feel of song lyrics about this piece, perhaps you just need to take it a step further to make it stand alone - as a poem - without actual music. Write on!

Nell

Mac AM at 11:08 on 20 September 2005  Report this post
Hi Spider,

I think what Nell is getting at is not necessarily a rhyming poem (i.e. each line ending with a rhyme), but a poem that contains rhyme and half rhyme within the lines. If you read a poem concentrating on sound, you will pick up the internal echoes of rhyme in words, such as the ones I picked out in yours. These sounds help to make a better poem and carry the reader through to the end and in some instances, beyond the poem.

Give it a try - you seem to be doing it anyway - and you might like the results.

Mac


Nell at 16:18 on 20 September 2005  Report this post
Mac - what's with the echo?!

Nell.

Mac AM at 10:40 on 21 September 2005  Report this post
I was having a moment!!

Mac

<Added>

Quite a long moment actually.

spider at 20:47 on 22 September 2005  Report this post
Thanks Mac, Thanks Nell. You two are indeed a pair of interesting characters. This is going to be very exciting!


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