Jack It’s cold enough to freeze the whatsits off a brass monkey…
Jill (Reading a book, looks up hurriedly) You’re three sheets to the wind. Need a square meal?
Jack (shakes head) Cold turkey. (sits & sighs heavily) Never rains, but it pours. C’est la vie.
Jill What’s up, doc? Spill the beans.
Jack I’m below par, down in the mouth, in the doldrums, at the end of my tether.
Jill Always look on the bright side of life. Tomorrow is another day. Every cloud has a silver lining. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Jack Too long in the tooth for all this. I was living the life of riley, but I burned all my bridges and now my chickens have come home to roost. So I’ve come to face the music.
Jill You’ve strayed from the straight & narrow? I’ve got you by the short & curlies now. You’d better mind your Ps & Qs or you won’t have a pot to piss in. Chew the fat or I’ll give you the third degree & box your ears!
Jack Once in a blue moon, I like to paint the town red. It was a red-letter day and I’m in the black so I went to the red light district.
Jill Show your true colours, yellow-belly. What’s the bottom line? Clean bill of health?
Jack For the love of Pete, keep your shirt on. Don’t get your knickers in a twist. Not all it’s cracked up to be - right as rain.
Jill In a pig’s eye! Cock and bull story if ever I heard one. Lies, damned lies and statistics, smart alec. Wear your heart on your sleeve or the skeletons in your closet will take you to hell on a handcart!
Jack The proof is in the pudding. I’m eating humble pie. There’s egg on my face. I can’t cut the mustard.
Jill Talk about wet behind the ears. You’re beyond the pale. You’ve made a right dog’s breakfast of this relationship. When push comes to shove, you’re an albatross round my neck. (cries) I wish we’d never got hitched.
Jack Cut to the chase. Am I goin’ south? Is my name mud? Or are those crocodile tears?
Jill Can it, mister. Quit your bellyaching. Mark my words, I’m reading you the riot act. I’m going back to mother. I’ll take you for every last dime, lock, stock & barrel. Put your money where your mouth is.
Jack (dramatically) The game’s up. Can’t pull the wool over your eyes. It hurts like the dickens. Kiss of death, make no bones about it. I’m going to go belly up and kick the bucket. I’ll be pushing up the daisies in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Jill (shocked) Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. You’re cashing in your chips? That’s got the ring of truth. Is there light at the end of the tunnel or are we shooting at the moon? It’s not over till the fat lady sings.
Jack (laughs) APRIL FOOL! Got your goat and no mistake! Just bustin’ your chops.
Jill Are you telling me porky pies or blowing smoke up my ass?
Jack Smoke and mirrors! I toe the line, straight from the horse’s mouth. I know which side my bread is buttered. You’re barking up the wrong tree. (pause) Scot free or the cold shoulder?
Jill You sly old dog. That’s a right pig in a poke. I’m eating crow and no mistake.
Jack Tongue in cheek – laughter is the best medicine. Let’s have one for the road and hit the sack - I’ve got some serious brown nosing to do. Time we played hide the salami…pardon my French.
Jill No kidding! Rub it in, you old fraud. Tit for tat. You got me bang to rights. The world is your oyster.
Jack Nobody’s perfect. By the way, keep it under your hat, but you should avoid clichés like the plague.
Jill (affectionately) Bite your tongue - you’re full of …(blackout)