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Mixed Metaphors

by el gringo 

Posted: 14 September 2005
Word Count: 675
Summary: A small comedy sketch written for the Hoddesdon Players' 2006 revue. This is the longer version - an edited version was created to make it easy on the actors!

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Jack Itís cold enough to freeze the whatsits off a brass monkeyÖ
Jill (Reading a book, looks up hurriedly) Youíre three sheets to the wind. Need a square meal?
Jack (shakes head) Cold turkey. (sits & sighs heavily) Never rains, but it pours. Cíest la vie.
Jill Whatís up, doc? Spill the beans.
Jack Iím below par, down in the mouth, in the doldrums, at the end of my tether.
Jill Always look on the bright side of life. Tomorrow is another day. Every cloud has a silver lining. Rome wasnít built in a day.
Jack Too long in the tooth for all this. I was living the life of riley, but I burned all my bridges and now my chickens have come home to roost. So Iíve come to face the music.
Jill Youíve strayed from the straight & narrow? Iíve got you by the short & curlies now. Youíd better mind your Ps & Qs or you wonít have a pot to piss in. Chew the fat or Iíll give you the third degree & box your ears!
Jack Once in a blue moon, I like to paint the town red. It was a red-letter day and Iím in the black so I went to the red light district.
Jill Show your true colours, yellow-belly. Whatís the bottom line? Clean bill of health?
Jack For the love of Pete, keep your shirt on. Donít get your knickers in a twist. Not all itís cracked up to be - right as rain.
Jill In a pigís eye! Cock and bull story if ever I heard one. Lies, damned lies and statistics, smart alec. Wear your heart on your sleeve or the skeletons in your closet will take you to hell on a handcart!
Jack The proof is in the pudding. Iím eating humble pie. Thereís egg on my face. I canít cut the mustard.
Jill Talk about wet behind the ears. Youíre beyond the pale. Youíve made a right dogís breakfast of this relationship. When push comes to shove, youíre an albatross round my neck. (cries) I wish weíd never got hitched.
Jack Cut to the chase. Am I goiní south? Is my name mud? Or are those crocodile tears?
Jill Can it, mister. Quit your bellyaching. Mark my words, Iím reading you the riot act. Iím going back to mother. Iíll take you for every last dime, lock, stock & barrel. Put your money where your mouth is.
Jack (dramatically) The gameís up. Canít pull the wool over your eyes. It hurts like the dickens. Kiss of death, make no bones about it. Iím going to go belly up and kick the bucket. Iíll be pushing up the daisies in two shakes of a lambís tail. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Jill (shocked) Well, Iíll be a monkeyís uncle. Youíre cashing in your chips? Thatís got the ring of truth. Is there light at the end of the tunnel or are we shooting at the moon? Itís not over till the fat lady sings.
Jack (laughs) APRIL FOOL! Got your goat and no mistake! Just bustiní your chops.
Jill Are you telling me porky pies or blowing smoke up my ass?
Jack Smoke and mirrors! I toe the line, straight from the horseís mouth. I know which side my bread is buttered. Youíre barking up the wrong tree. (pause) Scot free or the cold shoulder?
Jill You sly old dog. Thatís a right pig in a poke. Iím eating crow and no mistake.
Jack Tongue in cheek Ė laughter is the best medicine. Letís have one for the road and hit the sack - Iíve got some serious brown nosing to do. Time we played hide the salamiÖpardon my French.
Jill No kidding! Rub it in, you old fraud. Tit for tat. You got me bang to rights. The world is your oyster.
Jack Nobodyís perfect. By the way, keep it under your hat, but you should avoid clichťs like the plague.
Jill (affectionately) Bite your tongue - youíre full of Ö(blackout)

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Comments by other Members

Dreamer at 21:49 on 14 September 2005  Report this post
Very nice El,

I laughed at this. Now I know where to look if I need any metaphors!


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