Die Rückkehr: part one - The Owl (3rd edit)
Posted: 14 September 2005 Word Count: 2478 Summary: Like many stories, this one took a life of it's own halfway through and began moving into dark recesses.
ADDED** I have made some changes in light of the comments received, the squaddies have gone from the beginning and a few of the errors have been tidied up.
|
Font Size
|
|
Content Warning This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.
The lobby of Hannover airport was a hive of clicking heels and early morning beers. A stew of voices stirred in the air, rising high and spreading out to merge with the echoes of the tannoy. Blotches of sunlight poked through the skylight creating pools of pale warmth on the mezzanine floor.
Roger Welland emerged from his cocoon of silence to answer the few questions posed by the airport security guards. He mumbled his replies in his weak German which seemed to poke the interest of a weasel faced guard standing behind the security barrier.
Once through the security check, Roger joined the queue before check-in desk 3. A group of excited young Englishmen were laughing and joking at the head of the queue. A shadow fell across the waiting passengers. Roger gripped the handle of his case then realised the shadow was a passing cloud over the skylight. It had not seeped through the cracks in the floor or touched his shoulder.
And there were no sparks following it.
The queue ambled forward, overwhelming the checking desk for the flight to Amsterdam. Bemused Korean businessmen huddled near the desk blocking the path of a portly hausfrau who was pushing a trolley stacked with six powder blue suitcases. A black haired young woman beside her clutched a wedding dress in a bin liner. The dress slipped though her arms and the woman snatched at it like a snake. She was trying to stop the dress with all its finery, ribbons and beads from being trapped under the wheels of a trolley.
Roger saw the weasel faced guard watching him. A grim face, attuned to the slightest disturbance, trying to force Roger into action. Then the face moved, it was no longer a weasel, but a fox. The guard marched across the floor, the palm of hand skimming the edge of his pistol holster. Eager malice matched each footstep of the march. The guard reached the queue; he bumped a shoulder into Roger then moved to the back of the queue to harass a boy that opened up a shoulder bag.
Roger sucked in the air before him; he just wanted to get on the plane.
Get away from Germany
Get away from her.
Dream no more and let the nightmare end.
**
“An exceedingly fine single malt!” said Malcolm DeBussey. He swirled the whiskey around the tumbler before taking a sip as if he was sucking on a nipple. The noise in Henry’s bar in Georgestrasse was muted, letting the song of raindrops outside fill the gaps between conversation and jukebox. Malcolm saw that Roger was staring at the brandy glass in the middle of the table.
“What’s up my friend?” asked Malcom.
“Nothing, I just feel sick.”
“Hah, that warm Duque D’Alba will sort you out. Neck it down.”
Roger took hold of the warm glass and thought that he could feel the sweet drink soak into his fingertips. He was not happy to be here. Stuck here with the obnoxious Malcolm who was carried on his sedan chair of boorishness. After 500 miles the wedding ring comes off, don’t you know? Malcolm would always tell people. He began appraising the black clad serving girls as if he was an expert on the Antiques Roadshow. Ah yes, a fine arse that one, with cute tits, circa 22 years old, a bargain. Not that any of the “bargains” ever took any notice of Malcolm.
“So how has business been for you?” Roger decided that polite conversation was his best tactic to deflect the extremes of Malcolm.
“Oh you know, the usual. Nothing I cannot handle.”
“Good. What about that new programming tool? Sophocles, is it? Sounds good to me.”
“Yeah, whatever. Hey come on Roger, we’re here to get hammered. Come on drink up, I told the lads we would meet Helmut and co at the Waterloo Garden.”
“Sorry, I feel really crappy tonight; I think I might give it a miss. But say hello from me, yeah?”
Malcolm swallowed the last teardrops of his whiskey. “Ah, nectar.” He pushed himself off the barstool, “Oh well Roger me dodger, your miss. See you at the hotel.”
I hope not, thought Roger. “Yeah, thanks. Have a good one,” he said to the departing ogre.
As the glass cooled, Roger decided to sip at his brandy. He felt as if a suit of armour was being unbuckled from his body and the relaxation gene was no longer dormant. He smiled to himself as the brandy evaporated in his mouth and the rain drops beat a better rhythm than the Oasis song being played on the jukebox. Hopefully Malcolm would get a good drenching on the way to the Waterloo garden.
Over the last few days, Roger had been feeling drained. He was not sleeping well and it seemed as if bits of skin were being chipped away by tiny hammers. He must have caught some sort of bug. Over the last few hours his back had been twitching and twisting like the old wives saying about a grave being walked over. If I was more paranoid he said to himself, I could swear blind I am being watched all the time. It was probably because he felt ill.
“Entschuldigen Sie mich, Ist dieser Platz frei?”
Roger turned around to see a woman holding a glass of red wine, she was pointing to the stool on the other side of the table. He fumbled his reply, “Ja, eh um. Mann kann sprachen kleine Deutsch. Sind sie verstehen?”
“Ah, English, yes?” the woman asked.
“Yes, sorry my German is not too good.”
“No it’s Ok, I think.”
“Please sit down,” said Roger.
“Thank you.” As the woman sat down, the slit in her skirt parted to reveal a dancer’s leg adorned in black silk. Roger felt heat in not just his throat. He looked at her and wondered what novel she was described in. Her face was a syrup soaked almond crowned by a black bob. She wore a velvet coat and crimson blouse, which was opened to show a carved jet necklace. Roger thought she had the most beautiful hands he had ever seen. Her fingers were like the strokes of a conductor’s baton. And they were outstretched waiting to meet him.
“I am Helene, Helene Eulen,” she said.
He shook her hand; it felt as smooth as the brandy glass. “I’m Roger. Roger Welland”
“Pleased to meet you, Roger,” said Helene. She clinked the side of his brandy glass with her wine glass and said, “Would you like to know a secret?”
“A secret?” gulped Roger.
“I knew the seat was free and that you were English,” Helene sipped her wine. “I was watching you, waiting for your fat friend to leave. I could see you were unhappy.”
Here it comes, thought Roger; I have been corned by a hooker. How much is she going ask for?
Helene feigned shock by putting her hands up to her cheeks, “Oh I can imagine what you must be thinking. I am not that sort of woman Roger, even though I do understand why you might think such a thing.”
Roger knew that his face was a match for her blouse. “Sorry, it just seemed like, well you know, well just that.”
“Roger, you are ‘kostlich’! Ha ha.,” Helene laughed. “Do all Englishmen think the same?”
“No, well some I guess, Malcolm certainly.” He nodded his head toward the direction of the door.
“Nevermind,” Helene smiled, “Why are you here Roger?”
“Business, just business,” Roger fumbled inside his jacket for a card. Helene stopped him. “Tut, tut Roger, can you not stop thinking like that.”
“Habit,” he said. “I am an engineer for Wolfram Kurtz. They are near Herren-Hausen. I am here for a meeting.” He toyed with his glass, “You would never believe what I make.”
“You make things? What sort of things?” Helene rubbed her fingers along the stem of the wine glass.
“I make armour plating and defence systems,” He bowed his head, “God, that sounds geeky. You must think I am Eugene off Big Brother.”
“I do not know who you are like. Ah, but you are noble, you are a protector of men, for whatever ails them on the road.” She smiled. “I have waited for you. I have searched for you. For I have another secret. One that only you can hear.”
She is a hooker, Roger conceded. “Thanks. But what is this secret? Let me guess…you are not a man are you?”
“Ha, a poor joke. Not that I am offended.” Her fingers played an arpeggio on the inside of his leg. It was a masterpiece. Roger saw her eyes dazzle with a sense of triumph, waiting for his applause. She leaned forward to whisper near his cheek. “I am a witch and I need your help.”
Roger knew he was not in Kansas anymore.
**
Helene’s apartment was half a kilometre distant from the mitte of Hannover, close to the southern end of the Masch-See. Roger could see the lake shimmer in the fading light, as he looked out of the window. He knew on the far side of the lake, Malcolm, Helmut and various other buffoons would be singing loudly in the Waterloo Garden. Perhaps it would have been a safer bet to have joined them rather than be here. Not that he truly believed he really had much choice.
He turned away from the window and waited for Helene to return to the lounge, she had gone to change her clothes. For all of her mannerisms and dress, he was expecting her lounge to have looked like the dressing room for Siouxsie and the Banshees. He was wrong, it was a white walled temple tastefully decorated with teak and scarlet furniture. A wide screen Plasma TV escorted by two high priest speaker stacks took up one side of the room. A painting of an owl was suspended above the television. A round table in the centre of the room was her altar. Candlesticks of numerous sizes and lengths were placed seemingly at random, but Roger knew there was a pattern there. Wherever he stood in the room, the hairs on his skin became taut and he felt as he was being lifted by unseen hands.
Helene came into the room. He had expected her to be decked out in some gothic Bonnie Tyler outfit or slinky lingerie. Instead she was dressed in a neat black jogging outfit with white stripes on the sleeves and legs. Her figure was even more luscious than Roger hoped it would be. She clutched a small wooden box to her chest. “Nice view is it not?” she asked.
Roger grinned, “Yeah, it’s a great view. What’s in that box?”
“Something you left behind” Helene said.
The view did not seem so pleasant now.
Helene continued, “You may not remember it so, but you did leave this behind, a long, long time ago.”
“In a galaxy far far away,” added Roger.
Roger saw then that Helene’s trick was a raised eyebrow and not a nose wrinkle like the witch from Bewitched. Jokes were off the menu now.
Helene placed the box on the table top and opened it up. Roger expected green mist and pixies to come flying out but there was no such magic. It was a plain wooden box, clearly an old box but without any fancy lining or precious inlay. Helene lifted out a small package wrapped in a wheat coloured cloth. She passed it over to Roger.
It was heavy; Roger felt his hands drop as if he was tied to an anchor. He thought he was being swallowed by a whale. Then he was light headed and he could see the room and Helene smiling at him. The package seemed lighter now.
“It was the old magic dragging you back,” Helene said. “I felt it too when I unearthed the box. That was some years ago. My job has been to safeguard it until you arrived.”
“What, I don’t understand.”
“You will.”
Helene unfolded the cloth of the package as if she was performing some ceremony. It then occurred to Roger that she was. Her fingers were forming strange patterns and she whispered eldritch words. Finally the cloth was wholly unfolded and the treasure within was revealed.
It was a hammer.
A hammer of iron, with a slim handle of entwined bars and a nugget shaped head. It was pockmarked but smooth and the colour of blueberries shivered across its surface.
Roger stared at it.
Helene closed his hands around the handle of the hammer. “Let the memory return. When the Fool comes you will understand.”
“The Fool?”
“He will come and you must not be scared. You must be strong and send him to the Faerie else all will be lost and he will ride across this world.” Helene was no longer smiling. “You have been sleeping for many years Roger. Sleeping in many guises and many minds. Now you are awake.”
Roger felt drowsy as he placed the hammer onto the table. “Who am I?”
Helene said, “You are the Smith.”
“I’m sorry what’s that?”
“The Smith, your Erbe, your heritage.”
“Helene is this is a joke? It’s not why I came here.”
Helene picked the hammer back up and offered it to Roger. “You must take it, open your mind and it will become clear.” The hammer was a heartbeat away from Roger. “Please Roger, you must take it. I will help you.” Helene’s voice was now quivering and Roger could see the advent of tears had formed in the corner of her eyes. “Please, you must take it.”
“Listen Helene, this is some stupid joke, it’s not funny. I thought this was some crazy little seduction, maybe I would come here and get lucky. You know, get you to fuck me senseless.”
Helene picked the hammer back up and shook it at Roger. “This is no game, you are the Smith.”
“Helene, just leave it. Stop being a freak.”
“Roger…” Helen hugged the hammer to her chest as Roger moved to the door. “It’s not safe. You are awake now. He will come.”
“Jesus, you are a fucking world class nutter. Get some help.” He opened the door and bolted though it and began running down the apartment stairwell. He chided himself for being so gullible, trying to ignore the shouts coming from Helene. This was a lucky escape and no mistake. He looked at is watch, if he was quick he could still make it to the Waterloo garden and the normality of Malcolm and Helmut.
At the top of the stairs, Helene knelt, still hugging the hammer. She held it close to her face and her tears melted into the hammer head. The dark time had begun.
Comments by other Members
| |
Patsy at 17:11 on 16 September 2005
Report this post
|
Hi David,
Just finished your opening. It looks like you have a strong story in mind here with lots of mystery and plot potential. I am already wondering what will come next for Roger, and who he really is. I must admit, I was thinking of Thor with the hammer!
Things to consider:
"Come on drink up, I told the lads we would meet Helmut and co (and) the Waterloo Garden."
at the Waterloo Garden?
. . .That was the moment Helene knew she had captured Roger and could sway him to her cause. . .
You are in Roger's View Point, but this sentence is out of his view point. We can't know what she's thinking.
You could say something like:
Roger noticed the glee in her eyes. With that little carress, she thought she had him hooked, etc.
As entertaining as the opening is with the rambunctious lads, I don't think I'd put it at the very beginning of your story. Add some thoughts from your main character first.
I assume that the following section where he meets Helene happens before the opening, and he is in line at the airport trying to get away from her. If he is worried about this nightmare that he's trying to escape, show us that first. Is he trying to listen for the sound of her heals clicking on the tile floor, and the lads are making it hard. Is he looking around, worried she'll show up and try to stop him? Open with bits like this and stick some between the lads conversation to make them even more annoying to one who is already paranoid, and trying to be alert, and I think it will read better.
Hope it helps,
Patsy :)
| |
crowspark at 14:44 on 18 September 2005
Report this post
|
Great story developing here David. I wasn't convinced by the two squadies but from, “I am a witch and I need your help.” I was hooked.
Great description and dialogue.
A few typos; "How much is she going (to) ask I wonder?"
alter=altar
Where ever=Wherever
Also, something wrong with the grammar in, "Helene came into the room; she had changed her clothes to Roger’s surprise"
Looking forward to reading more.
Bill
| |
Nik Perring at 18:11 on 18 September 2005
Report this post
|
Hi Hecky,
I've got to agree with Bill. The squaddies bit didn't do much for me either, but once the witch line came it got really interesting.
Looking forward to the next bit.
Good stuff,
Nik.
| |
Heckyspice at 10:37 on 19 September 2005
Report this post
|
Hi All,
Thanks for the comments. I have now posted a revised draft which hopefully keeps things more focused.
Best wishes,
David
| |
Grinder at 21:33 on 19 September 2005
Report this post
|
David,
I liked the opening section, such a familiar scene, but laced with questions.
The second scene…
I told the lads we would meet Helmut and co and at the Waterloo Garden |
| a spurious ‘and’ in there.
the slit in her skirt parted to reveal a dancer’s leg encased in black silk |
| I love this image, but I don’t think ‘encased’ quite fits, it sounds too clunky.
Perhaps it would have been safer to join them than be here but he no longer had a choice. |
| I think you need a little extra punctuation in there.
I though that Roger’s mood swing after Helene says “you are the Smith” is a little abrupt and it jarred me a little, perhaps giving us an insight into his thinking at that point might ease the transition. Unless of course your intention is abruptness.
I liked this a lot, it reminded me a little of “The long dark teatime of the soul” by Douglas Adams, where Old Gods of myth where just trying to get by living in a modern world, and that started with an airport scene.
Lets have some more…
Grinder
| |
Patsy at 03:29 on 20 September 2005
Report this post
|
Hi David,
Loved the revision. The opening reads much stronger now. :)
Very brave of you to sacrafice your lads. I know how hard it is to cut something you like.
Only found 2 things for you to look at:
The dress slipped though her arms and the woman (snatched at like) a snake, trying to stop the dress with its ribbons and (beads getting trapped) in the wheels of the trolley.
...woman snatched at (it) like...
...beads (from) getting trapped...
Patsy :)
| |
Heckyspice at 16:12 on 20 September 2005
Report this post
|
Hi all,
I have revised the previous draft in light of the good suggestions.
Part 2 to follow soon.
Thanks for all your comments so far.
Best Wishes,
David
| |
Issy at 11:05 on 24 September 2005
Report this post
|
Wow! Absolutely loved it. It's the style and the great metaphoric detail that carries it along. You could write anything in this style and I would read and read all night, miss buses, be late for work.
Trying to be a bit more constructive, I too did feel the abrupt departure of Roger, but I think I reconciled it. He's an ordinary bloke on a boring business trip, and it would be a natural reaction to want to get away from this mad creature.
Looking forword to the next part
| |
Heckyspice at 10:02 on 26 September 2005
Report this post
|
Issy, thanks for the kind comments. I am glad that you are enjoying it. The next part will be posted very soon.
David
| |
Sue H at 06:54 on 29 September 2005
Report this post
|
Very exciting. I'm certainly looking forward to reading more. I'd remove the Big Brother reference though. It will date the story and only mean something to those who watched it (which excludes me!). I wasn't sure by the Faerie element. I expected something darker. I love the idea of the hammer and the fact that he is the Smith. Really good.
Sue
| |
Heckyspice at 09:09 on 03 October 2005
Report this post
|
Hi Sue,
I debated quite a bit as to the Big Brother reference. In the end, pop culture won out. In retrospect it's a weak line that should not be there.
I am polishing off the 2nd part right and should be posting later this week - so I will not be editing part 1 again.
Poor old Roger, he has no idea what being the smith means. He is in for a tough time.
Thanks for reading,
David
| |
Terry Edge at 14:38 on 23 November 2005
Report this post
|
David,
Below, I've gone through some of the text in detail. If my comments are sometimes blunt, don't be offended. Editing by its nature calls the writing into question. The point is, if what I say doesn't fit, just ignore it.
This is an intriguing start – you move nicely from the modern/mundane of the airport and bar to the weird in Helene's flat. You've established early on that Roger has some kind of magic role to play of which he's unaware. And you set-up the next part well, by making us want to know how he'll eventually take up his destiny.
I do feel, however, that Roger needs more clarity as a character. I think he's meant to be a fairly attractive, manly, hero; but it isn't easy to tell. I suspect you may have fallen into the filmic trap here – of being able to picture Roger very well in your own internal cinema, but not realising that you have to convey it to us in words that define not just what he looks like (although I'm not sure you did that either) but what he's like. In this last respect, I think you need to work on the dialogue. Roger's words don't somehow convey his character. Mainly, he just reacts to others, e.g. repeating what they've just said as a question. We need him to be more pro-active, otherwise we're in danger of concluding that he's all mind and no trousers, so to speak. A good example is the scene with Malcolm. We see Roger's thoughts about how much he dislikes Malcolm's boorishness – yet he doesn't do anything about it. In fact, at the end he appears to be heading back to it. In other words, he may actually be worse than Roger, because at least Roger is being himself.
Quite soon, we are going to need more details. What exactly does Roger do? What does he look like? Why's he in Germany? etc etc.
All the best,
Terry
P.S. Apologies – I don't know how to put story chunks in those nice yellow boxes; so have just put them in quotes instead.
* * *
"The lobby of Hannover airport was a hive of clicking heels and early morning beers. A stew of voices stirred in the air, rising high and spreading out to merge with the echoes of the tannoy."
Okay, these comments may seem a little picky, but they're about refining meaning where it may not seem to matter too much, and probably doesn't in just one or two examples. But cumulatively can unravel the narrative tautness.
'Clicking heels' suggests jackboots – if intended, fine (I'm making these comments as I go, and haven't read on yet). This is a sound relating to 'hive', i.e. noisy activity but 'early morning beers' are just objects, not activity.
A stew is different to a hive – passive, even sluggish. 'Rising high ... ' etc suggests the POV of the story is near the roof.
"Roger Welland emerged from his cocoon of silence to answer the few questions posed by the airport security guards. He mumbled his replies in his weak German which seemed to poke the interest of a weasel faced guard standing behind the security barrier."
'Poke' implies that Roger did the instigating, but he didn't. 'Arouse' may be better. 'Weasel-faced' is a bit of a cliché.
"The queue ambled forward, overwhelming the checking desk for the flight to Amsterdam. Bemused Korean businessmen huddled near the desk blocking the path of a portly hausfrau who was pushing a trolley stacked with six powder blue suitcases. A black haired young woman beside her clutched a wedding dress in a bin liner. The dress slipped though her arms and the woman snatched at it like a snake. She was trying to stop the dress with all its finery, ribbons and beads from being trapped under the wheels of a trolley."
Do we really need all this detail – six powder blue cases, a black-haired woman, etc? If they aren't going to play any further part, it's best to keep it general – otherwise we'll be retaining this information, albeit semi-consciously, thinking it's going to be relevant. Try to avoid lumping everyone under the same descriptors, too, e.g. 'bemused Korean businessmen huddled ... ' Are you saying they're all doing this?
The last sentence is describing the same series of actions by the young woman, but it's written passively – 'she was trying ... ' – while the previous sentence is active – 'the woman snatched at ... ' etc.
"Roger saw the weasel faced guard watching him. A grim face, attuned to the slightest disturbance, trying to force Roger into action. Then the face moved, it was no longer a weasel, but a fox. The guard marched across the floor, the palm of hand skimming the edge of his pistol holster. Eager malice matched each footstep of the march. The guard reached the queue; he bumped a shoulder into Roger then moved to the back of the queue to harass a boy that opened up a shoulder bag."
This is a little cartoonish. Guards tend to be more subtle than this, otherwise they'll alert perps to their interest. 'Eager malice matched each footstep of the march' is meaningless. And why would he be accosting a boy who's simply opened a shoulder bag?
"Roger sucked in the air before him"
This is an example of where you need to be careful with language. He can hardly suck in the air behind him – in fact, he doesn't get a choice of what air he sucks in. To say so is not necessarily a mistake, but it does alert the reader's instinct that maybe the writer is not completely in control of his materials.
"“An exceedingly fine single malt!” said Malcolm DeBussey. He swirled the whiskey around the tumbler before taking a sip as if he was sucking on a nipple."
The use of 'exceedingly' marks out Malcolm as either very old-fashioned and probably elderly or indicates that he's being humorously ironic. I'm not sure about 'sucking on a nipple' – it introduces sex where there it probably doesn't need to be.
"“What’s up my friend?” asked Malcom.
“Nothing, I just feel sick.”
“Hah, that warm Duque D’Alba will sort you out. Neck it down.”"
I've never heard anyone say 'neck it down' before, so this again points to Malcolm being something of an anachronism, which is fine if intended.
"Roger took hold of the warm glass and thought that he could feel the sweet drink soak into his fingertips. He was not happy to be here. Stuck here with the obnoxious Malcolm who was carried on his sedan chair of boorishness. After 500 miles the wedding ring comes off, don’t you know? Malcolm would always tell people. He began appraising the black clad serving girls as if he was an expert on the Antiques Roadshow. Ah yes, a fine arse that one, with cute tits, circa 22 years old, a bargain. Not that any of the “bargains” ever took any notice of Malcolm."
This is a rather cluttered paragraph. 'He was not happy to be here' is redundant, given what follows. 'Sedan chair ... ' is a little over-done. And would Malcolm 'always' tell people about the wedding ring coming off – he wouldn't tell his wife, presumably. And when did he begin appraising the serving girls? If it's now, you need to make this a new paragraph, otherwise we might think you're still thinking back. The use of italics indicates that this is the kind of thing Malcolm generically says, but I thought we were back in the now at this stage, i.e. this should be actual speech.
I may have missed it, but I don't think you ever tell us what the relationship is between Malcolm and Roger.
Okay, I'm going to move on a bit now ...
"Over the last few days, Roger had been feeling drained. He was not sleeping well and it seemed as if bits of skin were being chipped away by tiny hammers. He must have caught some sort of bug. Over the last few hours his back had been twitching and twisting like the old wives saying about a grave being walked over. If I was more paranoid he said to himself, I could swear blind I am being watched all the time. It was probably because he felt ill."
Your imagery is often a little muddled. I find it hard to picture skin being chipped away by hammers – this is more what happens to stone. Wouldn't skin be peeled away? Also, the story voice slips around here. You start in the author's voice, telling us Roger's been feeling drained. But who's saying 'he must have caught some sort of bug'? It has to be Roger's voice, really, since he won't know if he has or not – whereas the author obviously does know (and would therefore simply tell us that 'Roger had caught a bug'). Again with 'it was probably because he felt ill'.
"Roger felt heat in not just his throat."
Unclear why he's feeling heat in his throat. Is it because he's ill or just swallowed some whisky?
"Roger knew he was not in Kansas anymore."
Beware of bathos!
"He looked at her and wondered what novel she was described in. Her face was a syrup soaked almond crowned by a black bob. She wore a velvet coat and crimson blouse, which was opened to show a carved jet necklace. Roger thought she had the most beautiful hands he had ever seen. Her fingers were like the strokes of a conductor’s baton. And they were outstretched waiting to meet him."
I'm sorry, David, but this veers towards pastiche – a little like 'Death Cab for Cutie' by the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band' which is a spoof on detective writing. I don't mean to be rude, but you really have to be more specific and less emotive, e.g. what 'novel' do you mean (that she's described in) – The Hunchback of Notre Dame? Lassie? Anne of Green Gables? And to say her face was a 'syrup soaked almond' gives me the picture of a flat whitish shape dripping with yellow gunge. 'Crowned by a black bob' sounds like a wig stuck on top. And 'strokes of a conductor's baton' is problematic. I've seen quite a few conductors and they vary enormously – from little, jerky movements to slow sweeping ones.
"“I am Helene, Helene Eulen,” she said.
He shook her hand; it felt as smooth as the brandy glass. “I’m Roger. Roger Welland”"
This sounds like he's mimicking her.
Moving on ...
"You must think I am Eugene off Big Brother.”"
This dates him, and would he say this to a German anyway – she's hardly likely to know Eugene. Also, this is a character indicator – the fact he watches BB and even refers to it when chatting up a woman points to a somewhat socially inadequate person; but I'm not sure you intend this.
Moving on ...
"Helene came into the room. He had expected her to be decked out in some gothic Bonnie Tyler outfit or slinky lingerie. Instead she was dressed in a neat black jogging outfit with white stripes on the sleeves and legs. Her figure was even more luscious than Roger hoped it would be."
This is contradictory – you say he'd expected to see her in, basically, figure-revealing attire; but then say, 'instead she was dressed ... ' i.e. she's in something that doesn't reveal her figure. Yet he then slurps over her figure.
"She clutched a small wooden box to her chest. “Nice view is it not?” she asked.
Roger grinned, “Yeah, it’s a great view. What’s in that box?”"
This may have worked in an old Bond movie but here it comes across rather dated and sexist.
"“In a galaxy far far away,” added Roger."
Again, I think you need to be careful about the words you put in your characters' mouths. With Roger, we had him mention Big Brother, then he made a Benny Hillish remark, now it's a flippant Anorakish throwaway line. Do you see what I mean? I think you're trying to present a fairly manly hero, but he's coming across as a bit of a nerd. The point is, we don't know exactly what you're portraying.
"Roger saw then that Helene’s trick was a raised eyebrow and not a nose wrinkle like the witch from Bewitched. Jokes were off the menu now."
??? The first sentence bears no relation to the second.
"A hammer of iron, with a slim handle of entwined bars and a nugget shaped head. It was pockmarked but smooth and the colour of blueberries shivered across its surface."
Now you see, here, I'm linking back to that analogy you made of hammers chipping at skin, and I'm wondering if it was deliberate. If not, you need to change it.
| |
| |