 tinyclanger at 16:07 on 10 September 2005
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Nice one Joanie! You'd never guess you weren't!
I like the changed lines, makes it smother, less rigid.
Any more ...'elles' to try?, (please say no!)...
x
tc
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.jpg) lang-lad at 16:57 on 10 September 2005
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Joanie,
Or without the brackets - "Trying to Quite a Terzanelle" - no actually (because I'm a new convert to these things after last week and I love 'em love 'em love 'em now) I just thought it worth mentioning that there's nothing about smoking actually in it, or the title - although "quit" suggests it and all by itsel too so that's good for a single syllable word all by itself. Bless. I like the breathless wheeziness of it though so the smoking analogy wouldn't be far grom any reader's thoughts with or without the preamble.
Anyway I think it's great. Not quite convinced about "got mistaken" when "was mistaken" (if that would give the meaning you intend) makes better ordinary sense (got mistaken really needs a "for" following it but of course that would banjax the rhythm)
Anyway -
'part from that 'n that ... luvverly.
eliza
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 joanie at 17:28 on 10 September 2005
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tc and eliza, many thanks! Much appreciated.
tc, I'm sure there are lots we could try.....!!..??
eliza, I see what you mean about the 'got mistaken'. I think the writer meant that he/she sort of got lost along the way while planning what was meant to be quite straightforward. The trouble is, there isn't really enough stress on 'was' if I change it. Glad you enjoyed it anyway!
joanie
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Tina at 09:01 on 11 September 2005
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Well Joanie I am not a smoker or a ternzanelle writer but I enjoyed this!
It feels very well put togther and the repeat lines work very well for you.
I have to say that I find writing anything rhyming difficult as it so easily regresses to iambic pentameter and then sounds very 'Rupert the Bear', if you know what I mean, - so very impressed with anyone who can write to a tight structure such as this and make a good poem at the end.
Great - thanks
Tina
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lieslj at 09:13 on 11 September 2005
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Hey Joanie!
I'm impressed. I really battle to write a vilanelle.
Eliza points out that this poem doesn't specifically mention smoking and I wondered if it might apply to somebody trying to stay on diet too. I think, though, that this line does, in fact, provide specificity:
I felt I’d breathed my final breath
Fun stuff.
Best
LKJ
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joanie at 09:43 on 11 September 2005
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Tina and Liesl, thank you very much for your kind responses. I did wonder about not saying anything about smoking at all in the 'summary', to see if it came across. Too late now! Do you think it is obvious what it's about?
joanie
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lieslj at 09:54 on 11 September 2005
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Not obvious, as such, Joanie, but 'trying to quit' has very specific and fairly immediately recognisable connotations, doesn't it?
What about titling it 'Habit'?
Just an idea...
Best
L
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SmithBrowne at 17:33 on 11 September 2005
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Joanie -- just great how you managed to capture the feel of how hard it is to quit just as you reach the word "hard" in stanza three. I fly through the first two stanzas effortlessly, then we get to the trio of "breath, life, death," whose meanings ominously compound one another. But also, there is the actual speech effort to have to shift the tongue/mouth/teeth/throat along "th, f, b, h, th" -- it all mimics huffing and puffing. Pefect!
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joanie at 18:53 on 11 September 2005
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Thanks, Smith! Glad it worked for you. I appreciate your time.
joanie
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Ticonderoga at 14:44 on 13 September 2005
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Doesn't need - as eliza pointed out - to be specific to smoking at all; lovely, light-but-thoughtful poem which could be applied to all sorts of quandaries, dilemmas and dithers. Gives one paws.......or should that be pause?
;-) Mike
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joanie at 16:00 on 13 September 2005
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Thank you, Mike. Encouraging, as always! Much appreciated.
joanie
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 Nell at 13:00 on 17 September 2005
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Hi joanie,
I did enjoy this, although I couldn't see you as a smoker and was relieved when you said you weren't! For me there's a sort of 'lostness' about the voice that makes this reader feel for the person faced with the prospect of death and stuggling to quit - you've communicated that beautifully. I wasn't too sure about the personification of 'Impatience' or 'Strength' - it seemed a little mannered and I did stop to question whether impatience was exactly the right word. (Hesitation, temptation?). Like Eliza I wondered about that 'got' before 'mistaken' and couldn't quite see exactly what the plot s/he's speaking of was/is - referring back to the 'plot' in the first stanza doesn't seem to help. Picky things, I know - the villanelle is a devilish taskmaster!
Nell.
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joanie at 21:34 on 18 September 2005
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Thanks, Nell! Like I said, this sort of took off; I don't know where it came from really. One gets to the stage with a terzanelle where any more input is impossible. I'd like to say that I'll have another play with it but I don't think I can!!! Aargh!
Did you have a refreshing break? I hope so.
joanie
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Nell at 23:21 on 18 September 2005
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Joanie, it was heaven - my brain switched off and I didn't write a word for two weeks. I am refreshed! I know what you mean about the form (of course it's a terzanelle!~#!!) Aargh indeed...
Nell.
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spider at 08:11 on 20 September 2005
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Nice! Well put together. To be honest really don't get the gist of it but i can certainly appreciate the careful construction of each stanza
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