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Dead Man`s Bluff

by Tigger23 

Posted: 05 September 2005
Word Count: 616
Summary: The opening scenes of a road movie I am working on


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1- EXT. Desert at Dawn

A dishevelled man is seen at the edge of a road. He is bleary eyed, and in pain. His shirt is stained in blood, and a knife is shining on the ground, picked up by the lights of a passing car.


2 – INT. The Passing car - Day.

Two young Irish men are driving along. Will, a nervous looking man in his very early 20’s is driving. Jimmy, his handsome best friend is sat next to him. The windows are open.

JIMMY

Jaysus, did you see that. That was deadly. 40 grand in one night. Not bad.

WILL

Keep it down, will you, the last thing we want is to draw attention to ourselves.


3 EXT. Road from Las Vegas. - Day

WILL

You know, Jimmy, we’ll never get this money through customs, without them
asking all sorts of the wrong types of questions. (Beat) We really have to think
about what we’re going to do. (Beat) I know you’ve some seriously heavy
debts to pay of back home, but this, but this is not the answer, you know.

JIMMY

Oh man, you worry too much, that’s always been your problem.

WILL

Yeah. I know it’s my problem, but it’s your fault. It’s always your fault. Trouble
follows you everywhere you go.

JIMMY

We’ll, it’s my luck. I got the luck of the Irish. You got the melancholy. I’ll get
us out of this. As I always do, you know you can rely on me.





4 INT. A Roadside Café

– A clock hangs on the wall, showing it is just past 12 noon.

WAITRESS

Hi, what can I get you two boys?

JIMMY

Yeah, Hi. My Compadre here and I will have what’s on your specials board, and
two of your finest Cappuccinos.

WAITRESS

You boys been to Vegas then?

JIMMY

Yeah. We’re going home now.

WAITRESS

You get lucky last night then?

JIMMY

Ye…………..

WILL (Interrupting)

Yeah, well we lost more money than we won. We only really went for the
experience, you know.

WAITRESS

Oh well, you will know for next time, I suppose. Somebody got unlucky last night.
He lost something like 60,000 on the tables. He couldn’t pay, so they bled him in
another way. Police found his body out on the highway about an hour ago.
Vultures got to him. Anyways, that happens around here a lot. Back soon.


(She goes to bring them their food)

JIMMY

Like I said, it’s luck.



WILL

Luck, my arse. We really need to put as much road between us and there as we
can.

WAITRESS (SMILING)

There you go. That’ll be 20 dollars please.

Will pays her. In silence, Will and Jimmy finish their meal. The diner is slowly filling as they leave.


5. INT. The Car

Nothing but open road. Jimmy is driving now. A sign reads that there is a town twenty miles away.

JIMMY

Thank god for that. We really need more petrol.

WILL

Yeah, this will be a good place to spend the night. We can spend some of our
ill-gotten gains. How much are your debts?

JIMMY

Ten grand.

WILL

God, is that it? We can sort you out, and have some fun here as well.

JIMMY

You mean booze and girls?.

WILL

Well, yes and no. Girls yes, but we are too young to drink here, remember.
Americans can drive at 16, but they have to wait till they’re 21 to drink.

JIMMY

God, that’s right. Still, next week, we will both be old enough.



WILL

Yeah, just think, if our birthday’s hadn’t been so close, our Mums may never
have met.

JIMMY

Well, that would have been a great loss…………………






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Comments by other Members



Jubbly at 13:51 on 06 December 2005  Report this post
Hello Ben, I'm sorry I've taken so long to get to this. I love the title and I'm a big fan of road movies so I wish you well with this project. The characters have lots of comic potential and a warm chemistry between them. I feel there is a bit too much tell rather than show, but I'm sure a rewrite could certainly fix this. In this section -
JIMMY

Jaysus, did you see that. That was deadly. 40 grand in one night. Not bad.

WILL

Keep it down, will you, the last thing we want is to draw attention to ourselves.

I'm assuming maybe wrongly, that they are driving miles from anyone and anywhere, so a remark such as Jimmy makes would only be heard by a cactus, this could lend comedy if you describe precisely the surroundings, or if this is not the case, then we need to feel or get a sense of who exactly is there and can hear them, or if it is extreme paranoia then this can also be shown in a way you choose.

Towards the end you seem to be trying to get a lot of information across and the dialogue reads clumsily, perhaps you could try a rewrite there.

I was intrigued by the remark about their mothers and imagined the two women meeting in some odd way that you are yet to announce. I look forward to reading more of this, I think you should just try and see it as much as possible when writing, a road movie is wide and expansive and fills the screen, often in this scenario less is more.

Good luck

Jubbly




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