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THE CITY

by LONGJON 

Posted: 23 July 2003
Word Count: 123
Summary: The end result of a very grey, cold, dreary Thursday. The "chains" are the roads running all over the city that on a wet, grey day seemed just like chains.


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The grey-chained city stands sullen as mud,
Torpid and tired, in worn winter rags.
The silver faced puddles watch baggy eyed skies,
And the stone gutter cossets old paper and cans.
A hard, slapping rain bullies rich man and poor
And drives a dank cold through coats and through shoes.
In the gunmetal haze the lights change again
And another dull busload drags on to their homes.
Then, just for a moment, like the smile of a god
A shaft of bright sunlight slashes the clouds,
And lights on the shoulders of a shuffling old man
Who doffs his cap and salutes the dark sky.
Then he pushes his hands deep into his coat
And plods the black pavement back to his room.






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Comments by other Members



LONGJON at 01:33 on 24 July 2003  Report this post
Hey Fevvers,

Re-written in the fourteen line form.

John P.

fevvers at 17:29 on 24 July 2003  Report this post
Hey John

It's tighter writing and there's some lovely lines here but I'm still worried about the man - I still don't get a feel of him as anything other than a device to show how great the moment is and about the smallness of humans in relation to nature. I'm not sure this is enough.

Also, now come on, you've cheated a bit on the sonnet form. 14 lines isn't all what sonnets are about. Really try writing it in a strict form, with strict rhyme-scheme and iambic pentameter - it won't suppress the poetic flow it will actually drive it (but it might be hard work). Why not try writing about just the puddles in fine detail - sod the rest of the day - and see where the poem takes you. 14 lines is not a lot of space and every word must count, and remember a sonnet has a turn after the octet (and a smaller one often at the couplet). You might enjoy rising to the challenge.

Cheers


fevvers at 17:40 on 24 July 2003  Report this post
Here's a sonnet we all know and love:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.

Notice the turn at the 6th line - "But thy eternal summer shall not fade" - a comment on the beloved as eternal especially because eternalised in the poem. Hmmmm....

Cheers

Ellenna at 17:46 on 24 July 2003  Report this post
....and did i not see on the bbc programme with Michael Woods on Shakespeare that this was written for a man !

Ellie

poemsgalore at 18:55 on 24 July 2003  Report this post
I thought the line "The silver faced puddles watch baggy eyed skies" was really descriptive. In fact the whole poem gave me an image of a dreary journey after work, until the end where the shaft of light appears. I thought the man doffing his cap gave a lovely image too.

Ellenna at 19:06 on 24 July 2003  Report this post
back again Jon.... there is that sort of fluid darkness sometimes just before dusk ..."gunmetal haze"and a chink of light appears as if to give us hope in the drear. I too like the old man who seems to be the only one who recognises the hope before he shuffles on.I can see the busload of tired workers ... great images.

Ellie

bluesky3d at 19:10 on 24 July 2003  Report this post
I read the first one you posted Jon and liked it, (but don't think I had chance to so at the time) and I have just read this one and I like it even more, so the advice by Fevvers must be right, keep on truckin! (Although twas a bit unfair to put up a Shakespear sonnet for comparison?) (only kidding) :0)

And yes Ellie, I saw that program too and was amazed that Shakespear wrote it for a fella!

Great stuff Jon!

Andrew :o)

LONGJON at 11:13 on 25 July 2003  Report this post
Hi Fevvers,

Sonnet 18, one of my favourites. Do you like Sonnet 29;

When in disgrace with fortune and mens eyes
I all alone beweep ny outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootles cries,
And look upon myself, and curse my fate,
Wishing me like one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

The same turn at the 8th line, and the final couplet. Beautiful. I shall work on this over the weekend and see if I can nail down the form and simplify the focus.

Again many thanks for your time and your comments.

John P.

LONGJON at 11:16 on 25 July 2003  Report this post
Hi Ellena,

You do make such generous comments, Ellena. I'm glad you liked it, it covered such a dreary subject I realised it would be easy for anyone to be turned off.

Take care,

John P.


LONGJON at 11:18 on 25 July 2003  Report this post
Hi Andrew,

Many thanks for your comments, yes I agree, Fevvers advice was right, and I'm going to have another go and see if I can bring this closer to the true sonnet form.

Many thanks,

John P.

fevvers at 11:57 on 25 July 2003  Report this post
29 A very beautiful sonnet.

I'm glad you're going to have a go at the form proper - there's something about them that is contagious. They are at the same time quite easy and damn difficult to write - I think because the pentameter is very close to natural speach but the form is very disciplined. You might find it liberates your free verse too. But remember to listen to the rhyhtm - ignore all this counting syllables lark - because sonnets can have variations in the rhythm - you just can't vary it so much it's unrecognisable - but you have to hear it. That's one of the reasons we love Shakespeare so much, because we hear and love the music.

One good poet to look at for contemporary sonnets is Mimi Khalvati, she has a wonderful sonnet corona in her book The Chine called "Love in an English August" Fantastic

Look forward to seeing your sonnet. Anybody else going to have a go?

LONGJON at 01:47 on 26 July 2003  Report this post
Hi Fevvers

You know, reading the sonnets I always think of Kenneth Branagh and that wonderful delivery of his. All of the sonnets sound so much like soliloquies, as I suppose they, indirectly, are.

I will find Khalvatis' work - the title alone would whet my appetite, sounds like Anthony Hopkins in "The Remains Of The Day". Tell me, what is a "sonnet corona?"

Just for an exercise I'm also going to try a different lineation on the piece as it stands.

Take care,

JohnP.





LONGJON at 01:56 on 26 July 2003  Report this post
Fevvers,

The grey-chained city stands sullen as mud,
Torpid and tired, in worn winter rags.

The silver faced puddles watch baggy eyed skies,
And the stone gutter cossets old paper and cans.

A hard, slapping rain bullies rich man and poor
And drives a dank cold through coats and through shoes.

In the gunmetal haze the lights change again
And another dull busload drags on to their homes.

Then, just for a moment, like the smile of a god,
A shaft of bright sunlight slashes the clouds,
And lights on the shoulders of a shuffling old man
Who doffs his cap and salutes the dark sky.

Then he pushes his hands deep into his coat
And plods the black pavement back to his room.

What do you think - makes each couplet stand on its own merits, but does it offer any real improvement?

John P.

LONGJON at 02:08 on 26 July 2003  Report this post
Kathleen,
Please excuse my failing to reply to you earlier, I got caught up in the challenge that Fevvers was putting forward.

When I wrote that line, I was sitting in an office with an asphalt carpark outside, with two largish puddles in the middle of it, and they looked just like eyes looking at the sky. It was one of those really grey, cold dismal days, and it was home time for the kids from the local high school, none of whom would ever be seen dead in raincoats or carrying umbrellas. So they all looked bedraggled and cold as they dragged their way home.

You know, I read "You'll Find Me There" today - you have a lovely fluidity in the dialogue that you write, one of the most difficult writing forms to do convincingly. You really should put a collection together and hunt for a publisher. Even think about self publishing.

Take care,

John P.

poemsgalore at 13:19 on 26 July 2003  Report this post
Thank you John. Even your explanations read like poetry, the little piece you've just written above paints an equally dramatic picture in my mind as the poem does.

Hilary Custance at 23:24 on 26 July 2003  Report this post
Enjoyed the rhythm and many of the lines in this so much. Like fevvers, I had trouble with the old man, he did feel like a device. Could you find some other person or object not so intentionally soulful? I loved the rest of it. And thanks for being the stimulation for all that Shakespeare pooping up, I will take the sonnets to bed with me now. My favourite - 'When I have seen by time's fell hand defaced, the rich proud cost...' I'd better stop there. Cheers, Hilary

LONGJON at 06:16 on 27 July 2003  Report this post
Ah fair Hilary, would that swift tailor Time
From carmine silk or fustian dark cut and trim
A new suit of life for such as I,
Thus wouldst I, with all good grace at my command,
Order and direct it cut true in form and fashion
As to that much beloved and courtly sonnet.
Then should I, with no modesty of array,
Be arrayed at once in heavens suit and lifes'.
For if to be thus displayed wouldst bring me
To be delayed at thy bedside, then indeed
Would I,with heavens virtues be alloyed
And thus borne on to sink in heavens joys.
For naught should come of wearing other verse
And to miss the tide would bear the devils curse.

(I know, I know, Shakespeare I ain't! Good for a bit of a laugh though)

Take care, and thanks for your comments.

John P.

Lisa at 16:16 on 27 July 2003  Report this post
John - I think there are some really wonderful images in this, that completely capture me, and make me linger as I read:


"The silver faced puddles watch baggy eyed skies"
and
"In the gunmetal haze the lights change again"

I think are fanastic. Just to be annoying and say it again, like Fevvers and Hilary, I did feel the man was a convenient tool in the poem and we don't care about him enough. Either he needs more or he needs to be cut altogether.

There's a beautiful (if cold and damp!) atmosphere conjured up in this sonnet and I look forward to seeing where you take it in later drafts - do please upload them.

:)

Lisa



LONGJON at 21:26 on 27 July 2003  Report this post
Hi Lisa,

Good to hear from you and thankyou for your lovely comments (as ever)

Yes you are right, there is a touch of the 'poor me' about it isn't there. Fevvers comment about concentrating on a singular image, like the puddles, is right - I sat down yesterday to try to beat it into some sort of shape, wow, that was not simple. I had other things I had to get done (a pottery exhibition coming up soon and I have two pieces I have to get ready for it) so couldn't spend the time I would have liked to. I shall have another go this week.

I hope Hilary gets a bit of a laugh out of the "sonnet".

Take care,

John P.

Hilary Custance at 23:17 on 27 July 2003  Report this post
I did too. Brilliant, I couldn't do that however hard I put my mind to it. How am I ever going to switch of my (amazing new) computer and get to bed if people post stuff like this. Cheers, Hilary

fevvers at 00:09 on 28 July 2003  Report this post
Hi John

Couplets not working for me I'm afraid. It's less about putting the draft you've got into a form than letting the poem be found in and by a form - which is why I suggest the sonnet. I liked your sonnet to Hilary, so you've got something of the sound of it.

Sonnets are difficult to write, but that's not a bad thing. A corona (and Mimi's is a Royal Corona - I'm sure that's what it's called) is a sequence of sonnets where the succeding poem takes the last line of the previous one to start the next.

Glad we like the Shakespeare.


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