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Photograph (a villanelle)
Posted: 03 September 2005
Word Count: 157
Summary: What a nightmare, but I can't resist! I'm not happy with it but I have to stop tweaking sometime!
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Your face still shines whenever I pass by;
an image etched in time across the years.
I can’t believe I had to say good bye.
Refusing to give in and never cry,
I lose myself, forgetting ancient fears.
Your face still shines whenever I pass by.
Perhaps I have some dust lodged in my eye -
that’s it! These watery eyes aren’t caused by tears!
I can’t believe I had to say good bye.
I’ve wasted half my life while asking ‘Why?’.
The time has come to ditch those souvenirs.
Your face still shines whenever I pass by.
The basic rules of life just don’t apply
to matters of the heart. I close my ears
and can’t believe I had to say good bye.
My carefully laid plans have gone awry
as, on the looking glass of life, are smears.
Your face still shines whenever I pass by.
I can’t believe I had to say good bye.
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Comments by other Members
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 tinyclanger at 12:11 on 04 September 2005
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Smashing, Joanie, all your pain was worth it!
I think your refrains are ideal and you've used some clever rhymes.
And the subject doesn't seem forced - yes, I think this is how yours is so much better than mine, its unforced, flows. Just as if you were saying it as part of natural conversation.
An excellent attempt, well done!
Terzanelle now? (just to turn the tables! ;-) )
x
tc
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 joanie at 16:01 on 04 September 2005
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Paul and tc, thank you very much! Yes, I am working on another terzanelle; I wouldn't do it if I didn't enjoy it. I did do one last October, but I'll try another.
tc, I think that I find it easier to write something like this as if I were just having a conversation. It seems a bit trite somehow but perhaps the form remedies that. Do you see what I mean?
Anyway!... I enjoyed it. Thanks.
joanie
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joanie at 16:01 on 04 September 2005
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Paul and tc, thank you very much! Yes, I am working on another terzanelle; I wouldn't do it if I didn't enjoy it. I did do one last October, but I'll try another.
tc, I think that I find it easier to write something like this as if I were just having a conversation. It seems a bit trite somehow but perhaps the form remedies that. Do you see what I mean?
Anyway!... I enjoyed it. Thanks.
joanie
<Added>
Oops! pressed twice, obviously.
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tinyclanger at 16:10 on 04 September 2005
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terznanelles it is then...!
x
tc
<Added>
The conversation analogy is great to remember, on these traditional forms I tend to get obsessed with 'telling a story' and I think often they can't cope with that. Conversation...I'll certainly remember that...
thanks!
X
tc
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Mac AM at 10:19 on 05 September 2005
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Hello Joanie
I think you near rhymes soften the harshness of a villanelle really well. I also liked that you could read several ideas into the poem – the pain of separation and the loss of youth – Long before we got to the looking glass, I felt this was a poem that did two jobs and the underlying one was to discuss growing old and how the face was not only another person, but your own remembered face. I like it very much Joanie.
Mac
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.jpg) lang-lad at 11:53 on 05 September 2005
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Hi, Joanie,
very enjoyable and beautifully executed except, for me, if you don't mind one quibbling note, in the second line of the quatrain which I think deserves another look . With "have" in the first line and the "are" in the second, although I get what you mean, it doesn't live up to the quality of the rest of the poem and, given the conversational ease commented on by the others, and the job this line is trying to do, it could perhaps be improved? Don't want to make a suggestion - haven't the time or do I mean skill?
Yes - the latter.
Just a thought though. Otherwise, for me - grand!
eliza
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 Elsie at 20:56 on 05 September 2005
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Joanie, as I said to TC, I've hesitated on commenting on villanelles, and I've struggled with them and don't feel particularly equipped. But I've kept coming back, and today just saw Mac's comments, and realised I'd also been missing the whole point of this - and how clever it is. I didn't get the miroor/glass, and the word 'shines' was troubling me. now it all makes sense! Well done, clever.
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joanie at 06:59 on 06 September 2005
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Mac, Eliza, Elsie! Many thanks for your thoughtful comments; I appreciate it. I'll have another look at the those lines, Eliza. Thanks!
joanie
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