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Daroch I

by Plagious 

Posted: 01 September 2005
Word Count: 116
Summary: Following from the metaphysical "Okula", looking to make this an anthropomorphic follow on.
Related Works: Okula • 

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a mellow side
inconstituent of any being
an amorphous shroud
permeating those dead souls
as a shadow
on a mountain

It is a growing darkness
which will never release its captives
giving them no time
to run to the sun

there is a warning to be heard
but the words are ignored
just like the spirits
they are lost


such pleasure from a spasm
such hope for potency
so many prayers for existence

and who will know tomorrow?
an endlessly revolving wheel
an ass on a treadmill
following the motions
of movement
but never
a destination


how does logic
tie together
in the labyrinth of the mind

only that
of a child?

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Comments by other Members

Account Closed at 10:08 on 02 September 2005  Report this post
Enjoyed the mystical feel of this, but wondered if you might need to give more clues to your reader - perhaps an explanation of the title might be useful? - though no doubt I am showing my ignorance here!

In the first stanza, I would be tempted to cut "huge" as you say it all with "amorphous". In the 2nd stanza, I'd use modern language - ie "It's" and not "'tis" as it's too archaic. And "its captives" not "it's captives". In the 5th stanza, again "ass" (in the UK sense!) is rather archaic - could you not say "mule", or even "donkey"? This may be rather too radical, but I'd also be tempted to cut the 6th stanza entirely OR expand it to provide more of an explanation of the piece, if that is what is intended. And how would you feel if the last 3 lines of the poem (ie the child lines) were separate, ie forming a final stanza of their own? I wondered if that would give the end a chance to breathe more effectively?

Anyway, certainly food for thought!



Plagious at 00:23 on 07 September 2005  Report this post
Hi Anne

Have taken all on board your comments and made all changes, bar one. I still like the word, "ass"!
"Mule" or "donkey" are good substitutes, but
"ass" has the double meaning of a foolish person (and in old English, one would take out
an 's', adding an 'r' and an 'e', for a further interpretation!).

Very grateful for your advice and hope the
revised text works better for you!


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