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Toby Thomas and The Lost Chapter

by songwriter 

Posted: 23 August 2005
Word Count: 998
Summary: First Chapter


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One.

The tall, muddy cowboy passed Toby the first quarter of the watch, looked deep into his eyes and whispered in a deep western voice, ’Run! Now.’
Toby didn’t know if he was teasing or not but two things made his made up that this was no joke. One, the cowboy’s deep intense stare which made Toby swallow hard and two, the distant rubble of horse’s hooves. The Indian Man was already on his way.

Toby looked at the dust rising from the east and started to move quickly towards the top of the cliff. He knew all he had to do was get to the top and jump off into the water and all would be safe and his first mission accomplished. Toby had plenty of time to make it so he started his short journey up the hill. He even had time to look around at the vastness of the hot red countryside around him. He jogged past some large boulders still clutching the watch tight in his hand but as he got onto the first steep part of the hill, he saw something move in the earth in front of him. The ground started stirring and six ugly animals had dug themselves out of the yellowy mud and pointed themselves at Toby. Sitting there were six large black, shiny scorpions with their stings raised and Toby stopped in his tracks staring at them with his eyes wide. They were both standing staring at each other like some sort of face off and Toby didn’t know what to do. He slowly took a few steps forward and all six scorpions took a few slow steps towards Toby. His heart started to beat faster, those dreadful scorpions they were too close for comfort, so he quickly took a few steps back and but so did the scorpions. Toby took another step backwards and again, the scorpions did the same thing. They were copying every move he made. He stepped sideways, he stepped diagonal, he even jumped in the air slightly but they were still playing some horrible game of ’Copy Cat.’ These ghastly giant beasts were Toby’s mirror and he couldn’t think of a way past them without being attacked.

Suddenly, behind him, an arrow landed about ten meters away from him upright in the ground and it made a noise which made Toby spin on the spot. He had forgotten all about the Indian Man who was very nearly caught up with him and he didn’t look very happy. Toby panicked and started stumbling backwards with his eyes firmly on the Indian, who was flying towards him on his horse. He looked over his shoulder and he saw as he was walking backwards, so were the scorpions, they were still copying every move! There was a ten metre gap in-between them both so Toby started to run as fast as he could backwards up the hill, the scorpions followed suit and was running backwards too.

Toby still had his back to the scorpions as he ran up the hill towards the cliff. The horse was getting nearer but so was the cliff edge.
’Ten more seconds, that’s all I need.’ Toby thought. ’Just ten more seconds’
He was only a short way away from the edge as he looked behind him and he saw all six scorpions who were running as fast as Toby, run straight over the edge of the cliff and away from sight. Toby knew he was safe now so he did a quick spin and tried to run forwards but he was too cocky and he fell over his feet and landed hard onto the muddy ground. He turned towards the Indian who had followed him up the hill; he made the horse trot towards him and he had his bow and arrow raised to Toby’s heart.
’Treasure?’ The Indian man said in his deep voice.
There was a large splash as he heard the scorpions hitting the water.
’I haven’t got it’ stuttered Toby. ’It’it fell’it just fell in the sea.’
’Small boy lie. Now small boy die.’ said the Indian man as he pulled back his bow.
Toby wriggled backwards toward the edge but it was still too far away. Toby closed his eyes and waited for the cold hard pain of the arrow. BANG!

Toby was dead.

But he could still open his eyes. He could still move and He could still see! He saw everything, the hill, the cliff, the vast open countryside but more importantly and he could see the Indian Man lying face down next to him. He was dead. Toby looked to the right and along the cliff the tall, muddy cowboy was standing there with a smoke rising from his gun. The Cowboy dipped his hat as Toby stood up, smiled at him, squeezed the part of the watch and threw himself head first towards the water. The cliff walls were flashing past him as Toby held his breath for the large splash. The water was cold but Toby soon got used to it and when all the bubbles had cleared, he opened his eyes and you wouldn’t believe what he could see’’’..And we see what he saw, tomorrow. Good Night. Tobes.’ And with that Toby’s dad shut his small notebook.
’Aw Dad! Please tell me’ pleaded Toby, laid tightly under his duvet cover.
’Nope. You’ve school in morning’ Toby’s dad said as he stood and walked towards Toby’s bedroom door and switched off the light.
’Please!’ Toby pleaded once again.
’No. Snuggle down’
’Just give me a clue’!’
’Toby, no!’ Toby’s Dad said firmly. He was in no mood for an arguing.’ Now, Goodnight!’
’A small clue’’ said Toby once more this time with a small wine in his voice.
’NO!’ shouted Toby’s Dad and the door slammed shut. The room was in darkness. Toby didn’t close his eyes yet. He just looked into the darkness, thinking.

He fell asleep an hour later.






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Comments by other Members



Nik Perring at 19:11 on 23 August 2005  Report this post
Hi Songwriter,

Welcome to the group.

Mmm, where to start?

I was a bit disappointed that the action ended up being a story. It felt to me like one of those, "it was just a dream" endings, but I notice that this is the first chapter of something larger, and without reading on, I can't really offer anything more on that.

I think this could be improved by a thorough edit. There seems to be a problem with the formatting (funny symbols) and I'm not sure if that's affected the layout. There seem to be blocks of text which you could easily divide into more, smaller paras, which would make this easier to follow.

You could also do with tightening the narrative and punctuation up a bit as well - but that wouldn't be too dificult to do as it's only adding to what you've already got down.

Good story. I'm curious to see where you go with it. How much of this have you written?

Hope I've helped.

Nik.

Dee at 20:46 on 23 August 2005  Report this post
The tall, muddy cowboy passed Toby the first quarter of the watch, looked deep into his eyes and whispered in a deep western voice, Run! Now.
Toby didnt know if he was teasing or not but two things made his made up that this was no joke. One, the cowboys deep intense stare which made Toby swallow hard and two, the distant rubble of horses hooves.


This is a confusing opening. Never mind the strange symbols thats a formatting glitch. You need to assess how essential the adjectives are. The first sentence needs to grab the reader, and adjectives take the edge off it. Also, try not to repeat the same words too closely. You have deep three times in this sample. And watch out for words your spellchecker wont spot: rubble of horses hooves presumably you mean rumble?

You need to edit out all the unnecessary stuff. Think about this:
The cowboy passed Toby the first quarter of the watch, stared into his eyes and whispered, 'Run! Now.
Two things made up Tobys mind that this was no joke; the cowboys intense stare, and the distant rumble of horses hooves.


And, as Nik says, its a disappointment that all this action turns out to be a story. To be honest, if I were you I would try and think of a different way to open the novel. Then you could introduce this scene later. That way, you wont have your readers feeling cheated.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but you did say you could take it. The plus point is that there is so much to learn and this is the best place for it!

Good luck.

Dee


<Added>

Sorry, seem to have missed the begining off this message... just said I thought it has potential. It's definitely worth working on.

Dee

songwriter at 22:30 on 23 August 2005  Report this post
Thanks for reading it guys. but I see no-one likes it.

The whole story is about a Boy whose Dad is a bad father, all he can do is tell amazing bestime stories.

So that part HAS to be story.

I might post more of it, I might not.




Myrtle at 23:27 on 23 August 2005  Report this post
Hi,
Don't be disheartened - it's very difficult to judge with just one excerpt, and it may be that what you need to do is restructure slightly, or just open differently - with the real Dad and Toby... OR don't make the opening bedtime story so long, so that we realise more quickly that it is in fact a story, rather than getting involved in it and then being told...if that makes sense. I really like the premise of a bad father who nevertheless tells excellent stories - that would appear to have plenty of potential. It's difficult to hear that something hasn't quite struck a chord, I know, but when people are moved to comment in the first place it's generally a sign that the piece is worth working on.
All the best,
Myrtle

p.s. I'd definitely work on the paragraphing - so much easier to see where prose can be improved when it's spaced out better.

Nik Perring at 23:53 on 23 August 2005  Report this post
I'm with Myrtle,

Definitely don't be disheartened!

I think the idea behind this is a great one, it just needs a bit of work, and that's what rewriting's for and what being a writer's about, isn't it?

I hope I haven't offended you with any of the comments I made earlier. They were supposed to be constructive - sorry if they came across as being harsh.

I think you should stick with this, I really do. It has got potential, as Dee said, and I think it's worth working on too.

Cheers,

Nik.

songwriter at 00:04 on 24 August 2005  Report this post
I think you misunderstood.

The first comments disliked the "bedtime story" and that was the main premise of the book.

I'll re-write it and pop it back on then maybe I'll carry on.

Jon xxx

Nik Perring at 00:20 on 24 August 2005  Report this post
Just a thought, but if you've already written more of this, why not whack that up? I think that way we would have a better picture of the story and more to go on. The bedtime story bit might work given more context. It's hard to judge given a small excerpt.

Whichever you choose to do, I'll gladly give it a look when it's up.

Best,

Nik.

Myrtle at 08:12 on 24 August 2005  Report this post
Hi Songwriter,
Perhaps I did misunderstand, but I think Nik's first reaction was because the extract ends on an anti-climax and with the reader knowing nothing about the 'real' characters of the book. So what I was suggesting was that if you tell us earlier that this is a bedtime story and then go on to devote a bit more time to the real characters, it will have a different effect. It's a bit like 'The NeverEnding Story', where the little boy in 'real life' escapes to a fantasy world in order to cope with his unhappy life - but we have to feel close to that little boy, as well as involved in the action of the fantasy. But as I said, it's so hard to tell with a short extract, so it may be that you've got that covered.
M.

Luisa at 10:58 on 24 August 2005  Report this post
I'm going to go against the grain here a bit... I actually like the way this opens and involves you with an overblown action adventure story, and then brings you back down to earth and to a little boy's bedroom. It reminds me of the start of the film Big Fish (if I remember rightly) and it's a device that I think I've seen in other films whose titles I can't remember right now (!)

I really love the way that Toby is physically in the notebook and the other characters almost behave like actors around him. I think this will appeal immensely to children.

Looking forward to reading more.

Luisa

songwriter at 11:22 on 24 August 2005  Report this post
Thanks everyone for your comments.

I'll pop chapter two up today and a new chapter one.

I've got a play uploaded and i had to BEG for comments, here they fall like small drips of constructive rain.

I love it!!

J x


Myrtle at 11:43 on 24 August 2005  Report this post
Who are you calling a small drip?

;)

Nik Perring at 11:50 on 24 August 2005  Report this post
:)

Nik Perring at 14:19 on 25 August 2005  Report this post
Amen Bege!

Sascha at 18:49 on 01 September 2005  Report this post
Great action within the bedtime story. Interesting idea of the dad character also, looking forward to seeing how it progresses.


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