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by Plagious 

Posted: 21 August 2005
Word Count: 245
Summary: Trying to capture mood, loss, noise and squalor in three settings. Not sure if it works.

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so long
so happy sharing laughter and joy
being everything for the other
saying nothing
searching expressions
reading eyes

slightest intimation
means all

as one cheeks brush
she turns hand slipping

not taking it in
sees you are still
then walks on steps faltering

all you lived for
the knot in the throat gets tighter

her tears roll
but you will never know
not ever

the breeze murmurs


“Hello Stetson,
those splendours you
told me of?
I lost no shelter only dreams.”
we walk past the doorman seeking solace
“No thanks, no gambling tonight.”
we go left to the drunken revelry
losing ourselves in the atmosphere
speaking loudly without thinking
banging empty glasses
whistling stupidly at waitresses
someone trips
spills his ale
he cannot get up
we laugh
we forget him
and sing
elbows linked at tavern table

in the room
discern a letter
leave it for morning
eyes wide
can I dare
dare to remember?


the rising sun
squints through curtain tears
rays fall on soiled clothing
outlining a mass
an eye blinks open
shutting immediately

moments later a figure sits
removes shoes and lays gently back

eyes flicker
mind is racing
then they are still
a hand draws yellowed paper from pocket
feverishly reading

a forgotten voice
softly caresses a mind

pulling on shoes and jacket
a figure walks out into the bustle
it is a dazzling morning

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Comments by other Members

lang-lad at 10:19 on 02 September 2005  Report this post
Hello Plagious,
I think the images you conjure are super-simply created and yet so full.
The last stanza a perfect example of that.

Here and there I find I don't quite see what it is you're drawing, not quite. But then I work a little harder and it comes clearer - if what I see is what you mean. "Stetson" - I give it all the associations I can and find myself with Paul Young "Wherever I lay my Hat ..." lone drifters, men's company, bravado and that's where you take us so that's probably it.

The sun and the curtain tears is brilliant but I got another person in the room "outlining a mass" presumably that other figure who wakes then hastily pretends still to be asleep? But no, I don't think that's right. It's the curtain and tears conjuring a long female fringe - but that's me and my in built surprisingly sexist interpretation. So I work harder again and see something else - but confess I'm still not sure about the soiled clothes. His. Yes. Getting surer the more I read that I know exactly what's going on.

He's not waited till morning to read the letter afterall. The whole sorry night springs into focus.

Your group peers will give you more constructive comments I'm sure.

I love the first line double entendre, by the way.

So seems to me it works very well. Thanks for writing it. I seem to have to write about a piece to know what I think of it - hence the long screeds I seem to send in response. But having written it seems a shame to delete and send something shorter. Hope that's ok. Tell me if I'm way off beam on this. I'd like to know,
I enjoyed it immensely,

Plagious at 15:36 on 06 September 2005  Report this post
Hi Eliza

I do not deserve such a detailed commentary, but really
find the observations helpful!

I liked your interpretation of "Stetson". It was a name stuck in my head from years ago from TS Eliot's, "The Waste Land".
Very obscure, your's is far better!!

Glad you liked it!


lang-lad at 16:21 on 06 September 2005  Report this post
tush tush this undeserving jive.

Plagious at 23:50 on 06 September 2005  Report this post
No undeserving jibe! I am a novice at this
writing lark and I think the name was used to
refer to a coward. Your interpretation as a drifter, is better!

You are so correct when you write, "The whole sorry night springs into focus". The character
was whole to begin with, part of a union. It concludes (or I hope it does), with them just
being a sorry entity, perhaps forgetting their
purpose, but life goes on.

lang-lad at 01:19 on 07 September 2005  Report this post
Wasn't a typo. Wasn't a jibe. And who wasn't a novice at some time?
We're better it seems at accepting criticism than acknowledging praise. Think of it as praise for the work no reflection on yourself and see how that sits.
all the best.

Plagious at 01:41 on 07 September 2005  Report this post
I know so little. Thank you!

lang-lad at 09:52 on 07 September 2005  Report this post


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