Okula
Posted: 19 August 2005 Word Count: 157 Summary: An early metaphysical dabble. Related Works: Daroch I
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inhale and slowly blow the pearls fall from the quicksilver trees splashing into the mirror of life dissolving behind a fading curtain of darkness yet, reflected on the glimmering surface the sky stretches itself out for sacrifice arching like an unwilling offering . . .
and from the east the night rises dark tentacles slithering over the countryside so that only the owl remains silently watching two dark pools seeing all and shrieking it darts and tears its prey to pieces discarding the unsavoury brain and guts
the tiny skull falls into the shadow its fearful eyes frozen in terror . . . regarding the rustling night as whispers of dread swirl through the trees impaling the simple blood dashing it with spite splenetic to the core casting it into the bottomless pool of abhorrence and hate the simple self curling and screeching and crying as invisible claws cut into its flesh as they drag it under
Comments by other Members
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Ticonderoga at 00:26 on 20 August 2005
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Rich imagery based, it seems, on accute observation; tiny details are used, which many writers would overlook, to build, almost as if by stippling a canvas, a delicately vivid picture. But then the brush-strokes become heavier, darker and more violent, taking the poem into, true to nature, much more unsettling territory. One tiny quibble - can blood be impaled? Fine piece.
Best,
Mike
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Plagious at 16:50 on 20 August 2005
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Mike
Really appreciate the comments. Thank you!
As for whether, "blood can be impaled", of course you are right, it cannot. However, this was written to depict the corruption of innocence in the metaphysical sense, so the use of "blood" is not literal. Perhaps, consider it more as a young sentient self.
Not a good example, but the best I can think of to illustrate another use of the word, in the movie, "Prizzi's Honour", the word "blood" is used to depict kin / relatives.
Plagious
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Ticonderoga at 18:31 on 20 August 2005
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In that case, no problem; I did wonder, but didn't want to impose a thought on you. It's a very fine and time-honoured usage.
best,
Mike
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miffle at 21:33 on 22 August 2005
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'Splenetic' is a word I have never heard before, I like it, very fleshy - and I like the textures and fascination with light in this piece.
A thought: I like stanzas two and three very much, I'm not so sure about the first. I love the first line of the second stanza and I almost hear it as a first line for the poem (?) i.e. the real poem ( the owl/ the tiny skull) for me begins with the dark energy of this line - I find it a 'shiver down the spine line'.
Another thought: I thought about scents and smells in relation to the poem, perhaps you could bring more of this sense to the poem (?).
Enjoyed, Kind regards, nikki
<Added>
And I am intrigued by the title, which sounds mythic to me, but I haven't looked it up yet!
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Plagious at 23:40 on 22 August 2005
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Nikki
Thank you for observations. Very incisive and helpful!
The first stanza was more to set the scene, using a mix of alchemical and Nietschean symbolism. Was not sure how I could start otherwise?
"Splenetic", has an interesting duality. It means, "spiteful", but has an older usage referring to someone full of melancholy.
The title refers to the eye / seeing, but I spelt it with a 'k' so it do not seem to be about a pair of glasses, so no mystery here!
As for adding scents and smells. Part of me would want to be clever and say the writing exists in an incorporeal world without these senses, but in truth, by craft is too limited to describe them. Something for me to work on!
Plagious
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miffle at 12:34 on 23 August 2005
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Plagious, thank you for your enlightening thoughts - I won't be forgetting splenetic in a hurry! Nikki
<Added>
Oh, and I meant to say the poem has an incantory feel.
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Account Closed at 22:17 on 17 September 2005
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Wonderfully gory! Loved the slow-burn start up to the "kill" (sorry!). I think there are three "it's" where they should be "its" but typos can easily be sorted. A very sinister piece.
LoL
A
xxx
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Plagious at 17:56 on 18 September 2005
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Hi Anne - thank you for reading and the comments
on 'typo's'. Are they? 'It's' is either used to
express; belonging to, or an abbreviation of, 'it is'.
In stanza 2, the belonging is to the 'owl'.
In stanza 3, it is first belonging to the 'tiny skull', the second, to the 'simple self'.
I am very happy to correct grammar, but have I
used it poorly? Advice always appreciated!
Plagious
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cust at 20:36 on 30 September 2005
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You do need its rather than it's - its is the possessive form and it doesn't work to use the other, even allowing for poetic licence!
Lucy
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Plagious at 00:20 on 01 October 2005
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Hello Lucy
Feel suitably ganged up on, so have made the changes recommended! Other than grammar, was the piece ok?
Plagious
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