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by Robert Davidson 

Posted: 18 August 2005
Word Count: 194
Summary: love poem

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by Robert Davidson

My voice breaks against those lips of thine,
Before I leave for war I humbly plea
Let me love you gently your first time
As dumb-tongued my love to you expose.
And then I'll return to thee once more
To bring to thy heart a rose.

I long to merge myself in you
And lie with you all my last long night
Making each to the other fit true;
While love's deep wonder to you shows
Heady passion given for your delight.
I leave with your heart a rose.

You laugh as in my fond arms you fall
As you respond with your passion pent.
But before I answer the bugle's call
I want us to lie entwined in still repose
As in mad delight sublimely spent
You press to my heart a rose.

As the war rages on I see you yet
Mourning red-eyed your lost love. I cry aloud
'If I die, I know you'll not forget
For on our troth one request I must impose:
If I am swathed in the silence of a shroud,
Then drop on my heart a rose.'

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Comments by other Members

spider at 11:12 on 18 August 2005  Report this post
can u really take it??????

ok i'll give it to you, its like this............

the semantics of the poem (a slight letdown) could be better exploited and...........
ok, else I LOVE IT!
a passionate piece i say!

the mixture of distinct contemporary and traditional phraseology is rather becoming

and so is the alternate rhyming scheme applied (nice and neat).

the reiteration of ".....a rose"
in the last line of each stanza just works!

should i call it a simulation of modern shakespeare- a Sonnet in the works??

Nice stuff Robert.

Account Closed at 09:01 on 19 August 2005  Report this post
A very passionate and poignant piece. I'd be tempted to take out the old-fashioned language though, and rework it to make it more modern and natural-sounding, eg remove the "thee", "thine"- type words. Unless of course you're using it as part of something historical - eg a poem as part of a long short story/novel set in the past??



Dee at 13:18 on 08 September 2005  Report this post
Robert, I'm blown away!

I stumbled on this via the Random Read. I love it. Love it loveitloveit.

I hate to disagree with Anne, but please don’t take out the ‘old-fashioned’ language. It gives the poem such a timeless quality – I can understand the comparison with Shakespeare.


lieslj at 09:03 on 11 September 2005  Report this post
Welcome to WW, Robert.

It is interesting to note that this ancient theme is still so utterly relevant today. I wonder if you might heighten the tension in this work, by referring in the antiquated language to some modern aspect of the contemporary wars being fought on this planet... Just at thought.

I hope you'll sign up and become a full member here. This site has lots of great writers who will be glad to engage with your work when you post it in the correct forum.

Once you've signed up, you'll be able to post a new work every two days. That way nobody gets overwhelmed by too many postings from the same person.

Another way to increase the feedback to your work is to comment thoughtfully on other folks' work. It's probably not advisable to drop poems into the reader's forum on the short story board, for example. The £20 I spent has been some of the best money ever. It has repaid me in fine feedback and excellent reader responses many times over.


Shika at 08:31 on 01 October 2005  Report this post
This felt passionate and poignant. I think the old-fashioned terminology might be a barrier but I think it fits the style. Hope this helps.S

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