 Nik Perring at 17:10 on 10 August 2005
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Liked this, Phil. Especially the last line. Nice imagery and mood.
Cheers,
Nik.
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 joanie at 17:34 on 10 August 2005
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Hi, Phil. I agree that the mood you have created is excellent. I love Trumpet blues curl through
Evening air |
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I wonder if it would be better to have no capitals at the start of lines 2,3 and 5?
Very enjoyable.
joanie
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Ticonderoga at 14:52 on 11 August 2005
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Lovely imagistic, atmospheric writing. The brevity is beautiful, and part of the poem's potency, but I could happily take much more in the same vein!
Mike
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Beanie Baby at 22:10 on 11 August 2005
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Beautiful ambience. Brought an image to mind of Victorian writers scribbling by candle light. Thoughtful poem.
Beanie
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lieslj at 12:28 on 13 August 2005
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Hi Phil,
I go along with Joanie, encouraging you to use capitals grammatically, rather than routinely at the beginning of each line.
I like the layers you build up in this work, but the mention of the word 'catatonic' seems to jar a bit.
Welcome to WW. I am learning ever so much here and the companions in the classroom are great companions for the trip.
Liesl
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PhillC at 20:16 on 14 August 2005
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Thanks for all the comments everyone.
I'll certainly take on board the comments about use of capitals.
I must admit to really liking "catatonic" though, as opposed to something like "lazy", so I think I will leave that one as is.
Thanks again.
Phill
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Barlow at 17:26 on 15 August 2005
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I really enjoyed reading this Phill. It conjures up a peaceful scene in the gloaming but I agree that "catatonic" does jar, especially as every other word in the poem is only 1 or 2 syllables long. I tried reading it aloud and found that "catatonic" sounds like gunfire in comparison with the other words you've chosen so exactly.
But apart from that slightly jarring note, it is a lovely poem.
Keep writing such effective pieces and don't take our comments too much to heart.!
Best wishes,
Barlow
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PhillC at 22:56 on 16 August 2005
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Thanks again.
I've made some changes based on feedback and substituted "weary" for "catatonic." I don't think it is as strong, but would be certainly interested in everyone's feedback.
Cheers
Phill
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Barlow at 11:03 on 17 August 2005
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Yes, I think weary fits in better with the whole tempo of the poem.
Keep writing - as you found from the comments people like what you write.
Best wishes,
Barlow
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lieslj at 22:25 on 01 September 2005
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Oh, I like this all over again.
Now, write us another one, Phill. We got that haunting sound in our ears now, need a 'bone to go with it, or a clarrie perhaps?
Wire brush and honky tonk....
Great horn you're blowing.
L
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Account Closed at 10:13 on 02 September 2005
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Love this - very gaslight atmospheric indeed. I did wonder about:
Trumpet blues curl through
evening air, casting shadows
across notes of fading paper.
Yellow pages turn, weary
hours die by lamplight.
ie letting the last two lines stand by themselves - they're strong enough to merit their own stanza - and also "Yellow" instead of "Yellowed" as the "d"/"p" juxtaposition is tricky if reading in your head as a reader or reading aloud - what do you think? In any case it's a wonderful poem.
And in answer to the question, yes "weary" is perfect here!
LoL
A
xxx
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PhillC at 14:02 on 02 September 2005
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Thanks for the recent comments everyone :-)
I originally had "yellow pages" but received some feedback that this sounded more like a telephone directory, so made the change to "yellowed".
I do quite like the way it flows with the last two lines split. Thank you Holly.
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Plagious at 02:01 on 07 September 2005
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Brought the image into my mind of the jazz
and military brass bands that used to play in
the London parks on summer evenings as people
read or relaxed at the end of the day.
Probably not what you intended, but we all
have differing impressions!
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Laura Hunt at 21:14 on 28 September 2005
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I love the first three lines especially - I can see the window open, a blind or perhaps a yellowing net, blowing in the night breeze which is easing the humidity of the day. Probably all unintended - but a whole scene from a movie in 5 lines! (And a different movie to Plagious')
Also a fantastic insight into how a poem can be developed with helpful criticism and revision.
Thanks
Laura Hunt
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