Login   Sign Up 



 
Archive » Dark One » Work
Archive »  Poetry » General » Work

A City Dwelling Paradise

by Dark One 

Posted: 22 July 2003
Word Count: 157
Summary: This is an poem experiment of mine. Please give honest comments as it is currently still in its infancy and I would welcome criticisms
Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


A City Dwelling Paradise

The silky feel of a landscape’s embrace
Wraps its loving arms gently around me
Lifting me to a higher plane of unspoilt thought and sight
The pathway leads to hearts untouched,
An Eden within the polluted jungle
A conflict of luscious green natural warriors
Against smoke exhaling tainted metal dragons
This is where the battle line has been drawn
The smog and toxins closed in around the army of green
Conquering their historical ground
I can see my city dwelling paradise becoming another junkyard
Another oasis covered in man’s discarded efforts
I can see the contamination of tranquillity itself
The modern Gods are forever hungry and consume the Mother’s art
Taking away the few precious drops of heaven left
I can see the destruction of tranquillity itself
My city dwelling paradise is shrinking
While the rubbish tip is expanding
Soon nothing will be sacred
And we will lament for the army of green







Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



bluesky3d at 13:10 on 22 July 2003  Report this post
Thomas

I like the idea of a battle (or is it a war?) taking place around you, and you look on helpless and caught in crossfire.

Perhaps the war analogies are the thing that you could develop?

I felt at first that the first two lines were at variance with the war theme but if nature was seen as a rescuer or comforter in the field of battle (like a red cross nurse) then it works. But for this reason, I would put your first two lines at the end of the piece and close with that image, as if it is nature that is comforting you, and then this leaves the reader waondering whether you and nature are comforting each other on the battlefield.

The third and fourth lines although good in themselves, do not quite work with the battlefield analogy? So perhaps you could delete lines 2, 3 and 4 and then the battle would be enjoined at the start.

Just some ideas

Andrew
Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

bluesky3d at 13:12 on 22 July 2003  Report this post
sorry Thomas meant delete lines 3 4 and 5
Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

bluesky3d at 13:30 on 22 July 2003  Report this post
... and perhaps change the title so that it reflects a war which is being waged and lost?
Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

bluesky3d at 17:56 on 22 July 2003  Report this post
Thomas .. your poem is excellent as it is ...(that went without saying) suggestion only proferred as you made a point of saying the piece is still in its infancy, and you are looking for possible ideas and reactions to spur on possible future development.

I could have jumped in there too hurriedly? Hope you're ok about that?

A :o)
Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

Dark One at 09:05 on 23 July 2003  Report this post
Andrew,

Please feel free to be critical of my work, and I agree with what you have said and am currently working on a re-write. I am willing to accept criticism as well as praise

Dark One
Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

fevvers at 16:25 on 01 August 2003  Report this post
Hi Thomas

This is interesting, this is Carmageddon.

I have an interesting idea that might challenge you in this poem.

Try writing it in two verses. probably not more than 6 lines each verse.

In the first verse describe your paradise (remember you've only got 6 lines to do it in so every word must count). Try to think how the paradise feels, sounds, smells, how it tastes.

Then, using the same verse structure write the 2nd verse about the cars (not the people ignore them for the minute).

Eg if you put something like, "Like light, the green takes up my love/
takes up each moment I exist in it and sends it back another love"
then you would want the next verse to be something like "Like dark, the rusted breathe of cars suffocates my sight and suffocated sends it back half blind and blistered"
- I don't know, please excuse my scribblings.

What this kind of structure means is you can talk quite freely about two different things but connect them at the same time (by their structure). You might find any comment you have made in previous drafts, in this one implicitly comes out of the writing, so you don't have to spell it out quite so much.

Also think about the title, City Paradise would be better, but I think could throw up a feeling of 'Paradise City' which smacks of cheesy hotels.

Hope you enjoy my suggestion. It would be interesting to see what you do with it if you take it up.

Cheers
Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .

 






Other work by Dark One:      ...view all work by Dark One