Login   Sign Up 



by crazylady 

Posted: 22 July 2005
Word Count: 387
Summary: A short flash for this week.

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced


That Friday night there was live music at the Rollo Club.
Katy went along with some of the girls from work, knowing that she’d have to leave early to get the last bus to her home village of Shireton.
Tonight’s band was the Roxters. The lead singer gave Katy the hots. Tall and rangy with shoulder length brown hair and a languid delivery.
When their spot was over she noticed he went to the bar, so off she went to get a round for her table. Pushing her way through she managed to come elbow to elbow with him.
“Great music.” She said, trying to appear confident and not too ‘groupie’.
“ Gee thanks. Glad you enjoyed it” He held out his hand. “I’m Nick.”
Katy noticed his deep-set brown eyes.
“I’m Katy - I didn’t realise you’re American.”
“That’s ‘cos I’m not – Canadian if you please.”
“So sorry, I bet you hate it when people make that mistake.”
“Well, it gets kinda tiresome sometimes.”
“Are you here on tour?”
“No, I just moved to this town. This isn’t my real job. Can I buy you a drink?”
And so it began. They spent what was left of Kate’s evening together. He was interesting, stimulating and very complimentary.
By the time she left Katy had arranged to meet Nick the following lunchtime and she hugged herself all the way home.
She couldn’t wait to go to work at Bartletts Bank next week to tell the girls of her conquest. They’d be green with envy.
She almost convinced herself she was in love with this gorgeous man with the sexy accent.
Saturday was a hot day and as she waited for Nick at the café bar across the street from the bank, Katy enjoyed the sun’s warm rays on her bare shoulders.
His warm Canadian voice came from behind her.
“Hello beautiful young woman.” Nick stroked her arm and smiled as he sat opposite, the sun full in his face.
With horror Katy noticed the deep lines etched between his eyebrows. His skin looked rather slacker than it had last night. As he leaned towards her in the bright daylight Katy watched his long brown locks fall forwards revealing a ragged parting in his hair.

The roots were grey! He was as old as her Dad!

Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

Account Closed at 09:07 on 22 July 2005  Report this post
Hi Cl,
This was great fun - good use of the word.

"knowing that she’d have to leave early to get the last bus to her home village of Shireton." I feel there is some unnecessary detail here. 'last bus home' might do

I liked 'not too 'groupie''!

Just a plot point - she went to the gig with the girls from work so presumably they would know she'd hit on Nick.

Green with envy is a bit of a cliché and I wonder if you really need 'He was interesting, stimulating and very complimentary.' as we've already picked that up from the dialogue.

Just some suggestions - take or leave


Heckyspice at 12:14 on 22 July 2005  Report this post
Hi Crazylady,

Elspeth has picked up on the points that I was going to mention. Ditch the stuff about the bus to the village and the name of the bank.

I would say that Katy ought be mesmerised by his eyes or rather the look. If she can see the color of his eyes in the bar why not the problem with his hair.

This is supposed to be from Katy's POV, so why not say the lead singer was hot instead of gave Katy the hots?

Just some thoughts, use or discard as you like.

Best wishes,


crazylady at 21:13 on 22 July 2005  Report this post
Hi Elspeth & David,
Thanks for your comments and yes I see what you mean and I shall go back and edit this weekend. I'm just getting my hand back in after some months so it was just a quick flash.
I shall keep an eye on your group to see if a space arises so I can join again.

bjlangley at 09:18 on 23 July 2005  Report this post
Hi Crazylady, this is an enjoyable piece, and the ending is great. I think you could perhaps mention the darkness, or gloominess of the bar area, giving reason for her not to notice before-hand.

All the best,


Jumbo at 17:50 on 23 July 2005  Report this post
hi crazy

Nice story - as others have suggested perhaps it needs tightening up.

All the best


Milou at 12:51 on 26 July 2005  Report this post
Hi crazylady,

I thought this was a vivid and amusing piece of flash. I agree with the comments about the extraneous information - "her home village of Sherton" jarred a bit, as made the sentence tail off somewhat.

I also thought you could cut the name "Bartletts Bank" - you could just say "the bank". Giving it a fictional name which sounds rather old fashioned seemed to detach the story from reality and made me question exactly where and when I was supposed to be for a moment.

I think the line “His skin looked rather slacker than it had last night” could be tweaked slightly to give it more impact after the “horror” of his wrinkles! Something starting “His skin was slack” might be stronger.

Good stuff.


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .