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The Self-Surgery Web Page

by Ian Smith 100 

Posted: 14 July 2005
Word Count: 1000
Summary: The Self-Surgery web site is run by a collaboration of people who have operated on themselves successfully. Their valuable experience is contained within these pages in easy to follow, non-medical, jargon free terms.

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One day, most of us will need an operation. Itís a fact of life. Maybe you need one already. If you do, that means youíve been diagnosed, and the medical world has decided that surgery is the next step. The remedy is close, but you have to wait, and wait, and wait.

Frustrating isnít it? But the good news is, you neednít waste time going through the arduous, and sometimes upsetting, medical treadmill of appointments, long waits, and uncertainty. It can leave you feeling more ill than when you started.

The reality is, almost all operations can be carried out yourself, with only the basic equipment, in the comfort of your own home. Thatís what The Self-Surgery web site is all about. Itís a collaboration of people who have operated on themselves successfully. Their valuable experience is contained within these pages in easy to follow, non-medical, jargon free terms. Many thousands of people have already taken advantage of this website, and decided to take their lives into their own hands, quite literally. Contented, happy people just like you, carry out their own operations every day of the year, successfully, in the comfort of their own homes, sometimes with friends and relatives present.

Mr. H. of Morecambe said: ďOnce the jargon was stripped away and I understood what vasectomy actually meant, I was able to study the principles and take the necessary steps myself. I now feel empowered.Ē

Mrs. T. of Solihull: ďI never thought I could work out gall bladders, but now I am more fulfilled.Ē

Mr. B. of Cheddar Gorge: ďI took immeasurable satisfaction from repairing my own hernia.Ē

Mrs. C. of Oswestry: ďI havenít stopped talking about my colonostemy.Ē

Click here to purchase our toolkit. For most self-surgery, you only need a minimum of a cheap box cutter, a bottle of proprietary disinfectant, and a lit candle. Donít let the rudimentary nature of this basic equipment discourage you. Many a good tune can be played on an old fiddle, and any tool is only as good as the person using it.

Hereís a sample of conditions you can treat yourself:

Glue ear. No grommet insertion is ever necessary. Just apply a weak solution of vinegar and water using a dropper. Itís safe, itís reliable, and itís worked for centuries. It might not be real self-surgery, but the first steps in taking control of your own destiny will give you confidence to resolve other conditions the non-invasive way. Your glue ear will clear up quickly, and youíll have crystal clear hearing once again, so listen up.

Ingrown toenail. Hereís where the box cutter comes in, and a chance to try your hand with the blade. Wipe your toe with disinfectant, hold the blade in the candle flame, let it cool, and youíre ready. Basically, you need to remove that surrounding hard skin thatís made life so difficult, and dig out that ingrowing toenail. Just locate the surrounding hard skin, and slice away. Youíll soon be ready to walk on your own two feet again.

Cataracts. Sometimes the invasive way is the only way. Locate that unwanted tissue using a mirror, a bright light, and then slice away. Youíll soon enjoy clear vision once again, but do take a little time to practice shucking oysters, or if you canít get a supply of oysters, removing the grey membrane off a monkfish is the best practice we know.

Circumcision. The rim of a sink is the ideal place for carrying out this simple procedure. Check our links for important precautions before starting.

Tonsillectomy. Donít be afraid to let junior practice with the blade. Imagine how proud youíll be when your little ones can heal themselves, and then speak up about their self-surgery.

Prostrate Tumors. Eyes in the back of your head? Of course not. Use a mirror, and donít be afraid to invade areas you thought were out of bounds. You might need a little practice to get into position, but youíll soon have that bad guy in the palm of your hand.

And thatís just a tiny sample of self-surgery successes. You might ask, ĎIf itís that easy to operate on myself, why do medical professionals need intensive training?í Well, thatís because, like any job, theyíre working over a long period of time, carrying out operations on many thousands of people, and that means they must have good, safe practices instilled. Look at it this way, to drive your car safely, every day of the year, over long distances, requires great tuition at the outset, but with only an introduction to the basic skills, even junior can safely take a car onto the highway, at least once. Think it through. The average person will only need one operation in their entire lives, so why not take control and carry out that operation yourself? Just a small amount of basic training is necessary, so you can take the necessary steps towards safe DIY self-surgery. After all, most operations are no more complex than removing hard skin from the ball of your foot with a pumice.

So, weíve given you a taste for one of lifeís great adventures enjoyed by many generations right back to that first self-surgeon, stone age man. Why not click here to enter the site and discover what the medical world would rather you didnít know about yourself. Itís not exactly big news. The world is round, and routine, DIY surgery is only a click away. Please have your credit card ready.

Remember, self-surgery is not covered by most of the major medical insurers. Check your policy before proceeding. Just click here for hygiene details, and then youíre ready to go. Enter the site below, scroll down, find your condition, and then roll up your sleeves.

Disclaimer: This page is not intended to replace professional medical advice from trained personnel. The administrators of www.diyselfops.com cannot be held responsible for the outcome of any self-surgery performed using the advice given in this web site. Thatís the legal stuff over.

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Comments by other Members

lang-lad at 19:34 on 15 July 2005  Report this post
Dear Ian,
What a pleasure-ful thing! I thought this was funny, original and just plain up to the minute good!
Well done. Hope it goes out there and earns you heaps of response. I could see this in the New Yorker with its wry humour.

thanks for that. I was needing a laugh to end the week on.

crowspark at 22:51 on 15 July 2005  Report this post
Very funny, and informative. Couldn't get any of the links to work but I think I've got the gist of the circumcision instructions, and then its onwards and upwards, or possibly downwards.

Nice writing.

Myrtle at 23:06 on 15 July 2005  Report this post
I think this is really well written, and very funny...but I think it could be better. I think with something like this you've got to make every sentence count, and this could be tighter. Just a few minor points to get you started...

I wasn't sure why you'd referred to them as 'contented, happy people just like you' when we're talking about people who are ill and need surgery.

You've used 'in the comfort of their own homes' twice in the third paragraph - was the repetition for comic effect or an accident? I think you'd need it once more to be 'comic', or you could change it to 'without even getting up off the sofa' or similar...

I thought the 'ingrown toenail' paragraph rambled a bit.

My favourite bit was Mrs C's comment.

Nice piece.


Dee at 09:35 on 17 July 2005  Report this post
Ian, this is very funny. In one sense I agree with Myrtle that it could be tighter in places. However, the sort of websites that this parodies are usually far from tightly written.

One thing you must change, thoughÖ itís prostateÖ or is that deliberate?


old friend at 06:48 on 22 July 2005  Report this post
Hi Ian,
I think this is a clever piece but it only just tickled my humour buds, for I could feel various parts of my anatomy reacting involuntarily and in the most uncomfortable manner as I read your operations.

However I like the 'persuasive nature' that flows from the well-trained public relations pen. I am sure there are quite a few people who would believe this.


choille at 18:29 on 05 December 2005  Report this post
Surprised not to see trepanning mentioned here. Apart from that major omission it reads well.

Ian Smith 100 at 08:34 on 07 December 2005  Report this post
Dear Customer, Thank you for your comments on the Self-Surgery web site. You will find instructions for self-trepanning in the Advanced section, after lobotomy. Entry to the Advanced section requires credit card details. A nominal fee is required by law to protect you under the Trade Descriptions Act. However, as a valued customer, I can tell you that trepanning requires a desk top clamp suitable for holding a power drill at a forty five degree angle. A useful tip is to place masking tape across the forehead to avoid the drill bit slipping. Customers looking for the gynecology section please note. The Office of Fair Trading has asked us to remove this section due to complaints received from religious groups. Customers might like to log in to the new Forum, where there is lively debate on this, and other subjects. Current lively threads are: ĎBlunkett: How Blind is He Really?í and, ĎDo We Actually Need Our Vaginas?í

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