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Three Hard Blasts

by dickieh 

Posted: 14 July 2005
Word Count: 3257
Summary: Short comedy

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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.

Three Hard Blasts

Darkness. A long whistle blast, then a shorter one. The lights come up. There are chairs and tables. Tess sits on a chair DSR. Jason stands in the middle of the room. He blows the whistle one more time, this time shorter.

Jason Yeah, that one, thatíll be the one. Nothing like a good hard blow. So thatís how it goes everyone alright? I blow the whistle like that and you all stop and move on ok? Good. Right. Well, weíre a bit thin on the ground, but that means you get more time with each person, and you look like a lovely bunch of people donít you? Yes. Well. I suppose the only thing we, (Spots Noels hand in the air), Yes Noel?

Noel Excuse me.

Jason Yes?

Noel So is it three blasts?

Jason What?

Noel Is it like what you just did? Three blasts and then we move on?

Jason No, no. Itís one blast and then you move on like this. (Blows) Move on. Simple.

Noel I got confused thatís all.

Jason Donít worry. First time?

Noel Yes thatís right.

Jason Me too. Deborah usually runs tonight and I just do the halftime drinks, but sheís ill so youíre stuck with me. But donít be put off I run a very tight ship, donít I Jill? (To Noel) Jillís a regular. Lets get down to business. Name tags on, wait for the whistle and, (sees Noelís hand again). Yes Noel?

Noel Half time.

Jason Yes?

Noel You said there would be, you know, an interval and we would have complimentary drinks

Jason A drink Noel. A.

Noel Yes.

Jason Well?

Noel Will you be announcing it or will there be a special whistle?

Jason I beg your pardon?

Tess He said will you be announcing it or will there be a special whistle?

Noel A special blow.

Tess Yeah, a special blow.

Jason You want me to give you a special blow Noel?

Tess I donít think heís your type Jason.

Jason On the whistle! (Blows it). I meant on the whistle!

Tess (To Noel) My special blows are better than that, Noel.

Jason Just for you Noel, there will be a special whistle at half time. Noelís special whistle.

Noel Like the football.

Jason Just like the football

Tess Only mixed teams, much better.

Tess and Noel laugh, Jason gives them a disdaining look like a teacher until they stop.

Tess Alright Joanne.

Jason Jason

Tess Whatever.

Jason It says so on my nametag. Obviously you canít read, which is strangely unsurprising.
Tess I read fine.

Jason The instructions for a femidom donít count.

Tess I donít use a/

Jason Yes, yes fine, thank you Tess, thank you. I suggest you donít talk about types of contraceptive in the five minutes you have with each person, that should give Tess just long enough to explain how she managed to dye her hair blonde but keep the roots brown.

Tess You what?

Jason Lovely off we go! (Blows whistle)

Gregory brings his chair to DSL table and delivers to the front

Gregory (Laughs hysterically) Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I get nervous, and I laugh. Itís really off putting. Sorry. For me as well as you. (Laughs again) Sorry. God, I just, I mean, this isnít how I thought, I mean, this is my first speed dating night and youíre my first speed date, so Iím kind of using you really. Not in a bad way! Just trying to practise. I suppose I am practicing on you and then Iíll move on and get better. So, youíre my first and worst of many tonight. Not worst in like, looks or personality or anything, you have a very nice head. Face. Head. You know, upper half. Not your boobs. Shit, I mean, thereís nothing wrong with your boobs, but I wouldnít know, I havenít looked at them. (Laughs hysterically) Shit.

Jason (Blows whistle) And Move!

Gregory To be honest with you/

Jill occupies the chair next to Jason and delivers to the front

Jill Like most women I just find it difficult to find decent men. They either fuck you over, fuck off or fuck someone else. Or all three. Yes, yes Iím sure youíre different. God, Iím coming over as exactly the sort of person I would hate to meet at one of these things. Anyway so I have to tell you about myself donít I? Something fantastic that will excite and arouse you in the short five minutes we are together. I hate this. I think itís much easier to do this in a club or a bar isnít it? At least there I can pretend I canít hear you, or my friends are waiting for me, or use some stupid excuse to get away from you, but instead I come here with the single girls from work. God, what an abhorrent title. And I put myself through this again and again and hate every minute of it. Maybe Iím a masochist. Maybe thatís why I keep coming here. I enjoy the pain. Iím probably only a step away from becoming a full-blown rubber suited dominatrix. Whips, chains, nipple clamps, and penis hats. Are you alright? Youíve gone a bit pale.

Jason (Blow) Round again please.

Andrew occupies the next chair and delivers out front

Jill Like most women/

Andrew Iím very picky. (Long pause). Thatís why Iíve been single for so long. Through choice, obviously. I like women, but I have very high standards and I have always had girlfriends of a very high calibre. Obviously. Iím a very cultured man, a man of many tastes, for example I like; (long pause) books. Iím an appreciator of books. Books of a very high standard obviously, that are you know, cultural. Yeah.

Jason (Blows) Again.

Joy occupies the next chair

Andrew Iím very picky, I want

Joy Hugs and cuddles! Would you like to snuggle up by the fire with me? I bet you would! Itís the best part of being with someone special isnít it? We could just lie there all night in our jimjams and huggle. Thatís what I call a hug and cuddle with someone special, a huggle! You can stroke my hair as well, we can huggle by the fire, just you and me and you can stroke my hair all night, I wont mind one bit. Iím a very tactile touchy feely person, even in public and my family are as well. You look so cuddly! I would love to cuddly you! My whole family would love to cuddle you, honestly they would. Thereís six of us and Iím the only girl, apart from my mum of course but that doesnít matter, weíre a very close family, all my brothers are gay and they would just give you the biggest squeeze!

Jason (Blow) move!

Noel occupies the next chair

Joy Hugs and Cuddles!/

Noel /But what I really need is/

Tess /A great big cock/

Noel /Plums. Theyíre all I can have really. Iím allergic to anything else. With Kiwi, apricots and prunes, I donít really come out in a rash itís more a swelling of the tongue and a general feeling of ill health. The rash I get from; Bananas, strawberries, coconut, pineapple, mango, raisin, sultanas, oranges, limes and apples. Oh and Satsumas. But a melon! To me a melon is a lethal weapon. Cyanide. I tell you, if I had a melon, even a teeny, tiny little piece Iíd die. I accidentally touched one in the Tesco metro in Balham last week. Soon as I touched it I collapsed and cracked my head on my trolley. Put me in hospital for a week. True. And I got the same feeling when I saw your melons. Cracking.

Jason Ok! Time!

Gregory Iíll be honest with you/

Jill Like most women/

Andrew Iím very picky, I want/

Joy Hugs and cuddles/

Noel But what I really need is/

Tess A great big cock.

Jason blows the whistle like halftime at a football match. The group begin to disperse.

Jason Was that alright for you Noel? Did that blow satisfy you?

Noel (To front) Iíll see you later. (To Jason) I was doing well then. Why did you blow then?

Jason Itís half time Noel. Go and have your complimentary glass of wine.

Noel Any larger.

Jason I believe so yes.

Noel Good. Next time wait until Iíve finished. I donít know how these things work usually but you said five minutes and thereís no way that was five minutes.

Jason I assure you it was, my time keeping is quite precise.

Noel No it isnít. You need to go with the flow a bit more. First time, ease into it a bit more, feel the mood.

Jason Unlike you I have a lot of experience at this event and know exactly what I am doing. I am used to managing people and assist Deborah here each week.

Noel You said you normally do the drinks.

Jason Yes. I help in other ways too.

Noel Well shouldnít you be on the bar then?

Jason I will be there to assist you in a moment.

Noel Yeah, Ďcos itíll be really difficult to open a bottle of lager on my own Joanne. (Exits)

Jason Itís/

Tess Joanne!

Jason Itís Jason you cretin, how can I help you?

Tess Your little joke about my hair wasnít funny.
Jason I am terribly sorry what joke?

Tess What you said before we started about my hair.

Gregory I like your hair.

Tess Shut up. (To Jason) Everybodyís staring at my hair now when I talk to them.

Gregory I think itís nice.

Tess Thatís very kind of you, now fuck off.

Jason Why dont you go and have a glass of wine? Calm down a bit. You can talk to your fellow clag, Noel was it?

Tess Noel what? Iím not a clag. Whatís a clag?

Jason It doesnít matter, go and have a drink at the bar Medusa.

Tess What? Youíre a nob. (Goes to exit) This is a shit night.

Jason Man of your dreams not here?

Tess Do you have a big cock?

Jason erm..I.

Tess Thereís your answer then. (Exits)

Jason Thank god for/

Jill Jason you are an utter bastard.

Jason What?

Jill Telling people Iím a regular! It makes me sound like some bar crawling hussie with her legs wide open. Iím off to the loo. (exits)

Gregory Iím having a good time. Honest.

Jason Really?

Gregory No. Not really.

Jason Oh. Iíll put you on the list.

Gregory Whatís a clag?

Jason Itís when a slag and cunt breed. They create a clag, and sometimes name it Tess. Go and have a drink.

Noel (Entering) Thereís no lager.

Jason What?

Noel Thereís no lager Jason. You said there would be lager and there is none.

Jason I must have left it in the car.

Noel Well go and get it.

Jason Hold on a minute/

Tess (Entering) Thereís no corkscrew Twat face.

Jason I have the corkscrew. Itís on my Swiss army knife.
Tess Give it here then.

Jason Itís on my keys. I will open the wine.

Noel What about the lager?

Jason Sorry Noel (pronounces it No-elle) you will just have to have wine like everyone else.

Gregory Iíll have wine.

Noel Shut up you poof.

Tess Come on Joanne, give us the corkscrew or open the fucking wine.

Jason My name is Jason you imbecile.

Tess Fuck off you nob!

Jason Clag!

Tess Twat!

Jason Clag!

Tess Dickhead!

Jason Clag! Clag! Clag! Clag!

Tess Whatís a clag Joanne?

Noel Yeah, whatís a clag?

Gregory A clag is the offspring off aÖcunt and a slag. ĎClagí. (Points to Jason)He told me.

Tess Is that right.

Gregory Yeah. I think your hair is fine.

Tess Shut up. Give me the corkscrew Jason. Give me the fucking corkscrew.

Jason (Gives her the Swiss army knife) I want it back.

Tess and noel exit.

Jason Thanks for that Gregory.

Gregory Thatís alright. I like this speed dating. Is it always like this?

Jason Not always, no.

Gregory Itís just, you know, I was hoping to meet someone. Someone nice.

Jason Iím sure thereís someone out there for you.

Andrew Thereís certainly no one in here. Not if youíre picky. Choosy. Particular.

Jason Oh great. Connoisseur are you? (Jill enters)

Andrew You could say that. Tried some fine women in my time. None of that ilk here. Nothing. Even if your not picky, youíd still be hard pressed.

Jason With your charm Iím surprised theyíre not swooning at your feet.

Andrew There of a lower standard to the usual speed-dating crowd.

Jill You arsehole.

Jason What have I done now?

Jill Not you, Jason. Mr Picky here. (Mocking) ĎThere of a lower standard to the usual speed dating crowdí. What have you got to be choosey about? Look at you!

Jason Jill I think you should go to the bar and have a drink.

Jill (Ignoring him) Iím so glad youíre here Andrew to pick the evening up for everyone. I before I was having a whale of a time, an absolute hoot. I for one am glad this place is cold and dank and full of unlikeables. In fact the ladies toilet being blocked is a welcome distraction from this otherwise euphoric occasion. I havenít had so much fun since my ex husband caught testicular cancer, which he thoroughly deserved and I wished it upon him. So dreams do come true Andrew, hang in there.

Andrew I was just saying that

Jill Donít come near me you horrible little man. Sit-down!

Andrew I only

Jill I swear if you talk to me again, I will kill you.

Jason Lets all just calm down. Shall we carry on? Sit down. Come on. (Jill and Andrew sit opposite each other).

Noel (entering with Tess) I can feel it coming up.

Tess Oh yeah?

Noel My rash. Itís the grapes. I react to fruit.

Tess Iíll make you feel better.

Noel Oh yeah? (She goes to touch him but he reacts) Ow! Sorry, Itís uncomfortable.

Jason (Blowing whistle in between them) Corkscrew?

Tess Oh. I dunno. Maybe in the kitchen. Or I might have put it in the bin. Canít remember. (Tess goes and sits)

Jason Have you got it?

Noel Fuck off you twat. (sits)

Joy goes to Jason and gives him a big squeeze. Joy goes and sits next to Noel.

Jason (Goes to blow the whistle but doesnít) Do what you want. (Exits)

This time they are arranged in couples. Noel and Joy. Andrew and Jill, Tess and

Andrew I/

Jill Kill you Andrew. I will kill you.

Andrew Iím sorry.

Jill Good.

Andrew I do think youíre a high standard.

Jill I am.

Andrew Too high for me.

Jill Save your flattery.
Gregory (Laughs hysterically) Where do I begin? Hi. I suppose Iím a jolly kind of chap and very social. I like the pub and cinema, the theatre of course.

Tess (Holds up her hand and stops him)

Noel Great. You.

Joy Me!

Noel I was trying to avoid you.

Joy Unlucky.

Noel Definitely

Andrew I like you. I do.

Jill Youíre a tosser

Andrew I know.

Jill A make believe.

Andrew Yes.

Jill A liar.

Andrew And a fraud.

Jill What do you like? About me. What do you like?

Andrew erm..I.

Jill I like you.

Andrew Good.

Jill I think I know why. I can see straight through you. You canít hide from me. All your bullshit and standards rubbish. Doesnít wash with me.

Andrew I like that.

Jill You can be yourself.

Andrew Yes.

Jill you might like it.

Andrew I would. I want you to get to know me. This is our chance. No lies, no pretending. Iíll be honest with you, right from the start.

Jill Do you feel special?

Andrew I do. Yes I do.

Jill We could do this.

Andrew Yes, we could. No lies.

Jill Ever.

Andrew Ever.

Jill (They begin to act out a dominatrix fantasy) Kiss my shoes

Andrew Yes!

Jill Whoís what you need?

Andrew You are!

Jill Hereís what you need! (She pushes him with her foot, then over the next dialogue, picks him up by his hair until he is bent over the table). You need me!

Andrew Yes! Yes I need you! I want you!

Jill I am your every dream.

Andrew Yes! Yes! More! More!

Jill I am the wielder of whips!

Andrew Whips! Whips!

Jill I will chain you to my bosom.

Andrew Chain me! Chain me!

Jill Your flesh will tear against my nipple clamps!

Andrew Clamp me! Please! Please!

Jill You will suffer the penis hat!

Andrew Yes! I will suffer! Suffer!

Jill Suffer! (They kiss passionately)

Andrew Whatís a penis hat?

Gregory I like your hair.

Tess Whatever.

Joy Because Iím not a tart like you or her?

Noel Hey! Iím not a tart.

Joy Yes you are. Here on the pull.

Noel Arenít you?

Joy Iím not here to try and get an easy shag.

Noel Youíd find it difficult. Anyway, Iím looking for someone special.

Joy Special in what way? Sucks like a hoover and goes like a train? You should have tried the tantric class next door.

Noel Thereís a/

Joy No. There isnít.

Noel Shame.

Joy It doesnít have to be about sex you know.

Noel Here it comes, hugs and cuddles.

Joy Isnít that what you want?

Noel Only if it comes after hot, dirty sex.

Joy Of course. Little man.

Noel What?

Joy Little. Man.

Noel Why are you calling me that?

Joy Isnít it obvious?

Noel No.

Joy Let me spell it out for you. You are one of the little men, the also rans, the never quite made its. You think everyoneís getting more sex than you, and the world is awash with easy lays and one night stands. So youíre out to get your slice of the action. Prove yourself. Forget all your problems whilst you pissed on top of some slapper. Well good luck to you, go for it. Knock yourself out.

Noel Thanks I will.

Joy I should have said Ďliterallyí. The good ones get away you know.

Noel Is that what you are?

Joy Too good for you.

Noel Too frigid.

Joy Very funny. No. I meant you actually. You have nice eyes.

Noel What?

Joy Nice eyes and a nice smile. And itís a shame youíre going to waste them trying to get laid. Instead of trying to find a good one. Itís your choice. Easier to have a quick slag than actually believe that someone might want to stay more than the night. But you wont realise and then itís too late, and youíll stop being one of the good ones and stay being a tart.

Noel Whatís it to you what I do?

Joy Iím one of the good ones Noel. Weíre more similar than you think.

Jill Like most women/

Andrew Iím very picky, I want/

Tess A great big cock/

Noel But what I really need is/

Joy (Hugs him. He flinches the relaxes and hugs her back)

Gregory Iíll be honest with you.

They all look across to Gregory who, side on, unzips his fly and, shielded by his
jacket shows Tess his big member. Jason enters looking at his watch. He sees
Gregoryís shielded member and the whistle falls from his mouth.


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