Three Hard Blasts

Darkness. A long whistle blast, then a shorter one. The lights come up. There are chairs and tables. Tess sits on a chair DSR. Jason stands in the middle of the room. He blows the whistle one more time, this time shorter.


Jason Yeah, that one, that’ll be the one. Nothing like a good hard blow. So that’s how it goes everyone alright? I blow the whistle like that and you all stop and move on ok? Good. Right. Well, we’re a bit thin on the ground, but that means you get more time with each person, and you look like a lovely bunch of people don’t you? Yes. Well. I suppose the only thing we, (Spots Noels hand in the air), Yes Noel?

Noel Excuse me.

Jason Yes?

Noel So is it three blasts?

Jason What?

Noel Is it like what you just did? Three blasts and then we move on?

Jason No, no. It’s one blast and then you move on like this. (Blows) Move on. Simple.

Noel I got confused that’s all.

Jason Don’t worry. First time?

Noel Yes that’s right.

Jason Me too. Deborah usually runs tonight and I just do the halftime drinks, but she’s ill so you’re stuck with me. But don’t be put off I run a very tight ship, don’t I Jill? (To Noel) Jill’s a regular. Lets get down to business. Name tags on, wait for the whistle and, (sees Noel’s hand again). Yes Noel?

Noel Half time.

Jason Yes?

Noel You said there would be, you know, an interval and we would have complimentary drinks

Jason A drink Noel. A.

Noel Yes.

Jason Well?

Noel Will you be announcing it or will there be a special whistle?

Jason I beg your pardon?

Tess He said will you be announcing it or will there be a special whistle?

Noel A special blow.

Tess Yeah, a special blow.

Jason You want me to give you a special blow Noel?

Tess I don’t think he’s your type Jason.

Jason On the whistle! (Blows it). I meant on the whistle!

Tess (To Noel) My special blows are better than that, Noel.

Jason Just for you Noel, there will be a special whistle at half time. Noel’s special whistle.

Noel Like the football.

Jason Just like the football

Tess Only mixed teams, much better.

Tess and Noel laugh, Jason gives them a disdaining look like a teacher until they stop.

Tess Alright Joanne.

Jason Jason

Tess Whatever.

Jason It says so on my nametag. Obviously you can’t read, which is strangely unsurprising.
Tess I read fine.

Jason The instructions for a femidom don’t count.

Tess I don’t use a/

Jason Yes, yes fine, thank you Tess, thank you. I suggest you don’t talk about types of contraceptive in the five minutes you have with each person, that should give Tess just long enough to explain how she managed to dye her hair blonde but keep the roots brown.

Tess You what?

Jason Lovely off we go! (Blows whistle)

Gregory brings his chair to DSL table and delivers to the front

Gregory (Laughs hysterically) Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I get nervous, and I laugh. It’s really off putting. Sorry. For me as well as you. (Laughs again) Sorry. God, I just, I mean, this isn’t how I thought, I mean, this is my first speed dating night and you’re my first speed date, so I’m kind of using you really. Not in a bad way! Just trying to practise. I suppose I am practicing on you and then I’ll move on and get better. So, you’re my first and worst of many tonight. Not worst in like, looks or personality or anything, you have a very nice head. Face. Head. You know, upper half. Not your boobs. Shit, I mean, there’s nothing wrong with your boobs, but I wouldn’t know, I haven’t looked at them. (Laughs hysterically) Shit.

Jason (Blows whistle) And Move!

Gregory To be honest with you/

Jill occupies the chair next to Jason and delivers to the front

Jill Like most women I just find it difficult to find decent men. They either fuck you over, fuck off or fuck someone else. Or all three. Yes, yes I’m sure you’re different. God, I’m coming over as exactly the sort of person I would hate to meet at one of these things. Anyway so I have to tell you about myself don’t I? Something fantastic that will excite and arouse you in the short five minutes we are together. I hate this. I think it’s much easier to do this in a club or a bar isn’t it? At least there I can pretend I can’t hear you, or my friends are waiting for me, or use some stupid excuse to get away from you, but instead I come here with the single girls from work. God, what an abhorrent title. And I put myself through this again and again and hate every minute of it. Maybe I’m a masochist. Maybe that’s why I keep coming here. I enjoy the pain. I’m probably only a step away from becoming a full-blown rubber suited dominatrix. Whips, chains, nipple clamps, and penis hats. Are you alright? You’ve gone a bit pale.

Jason (Blow) Round again please.

Andrew occupies the next chair and delivers out front

Jill Like most women/

Andrew I’m very picky. (Long pause). That’s why I’ve been single for so long. Through choice, obviously. I like women, but I have very high standards and I have always had girlfriends of a very high calibre. Obviously. I’m a very cultured man, a man of many tastes, for example I like; (long pause) books. I’m an appreciator of books. Books of a very high standard obviously, that are you know, cultural. Yeah.

Jason (Blows) Again.

Joy occupies the next chair

Andrew I’m very picky, I want

Joy Hugs and cuddles! Would you like to snuggle up by the fire with me? I bet you would! It’s the best part of being with someone special isn’t it? We could just lie there all night in our jimjams and huggle. That’s what I call a hug and cuddle with someone special, a huggle! You can stroke my hair as well, we can huggle by the fire, just you and me and you can stroke my hair all night, I wont mind one bit. I’m a very tactile touchy feely person, even in public and my family are as well. You look so cuddly! I would love to cuddly you! My whole family would love to cuddle you, honestly they would. There’s six of us and I’m the only girl, apart from my mum of course but that doesn’t matter, we’re a very close family, all my brothers are gay and they would just give you the biggest squeeze!

Jason (Blow) move!

Noel occupies the next chair

Joy Hugs and Cuddles!/

Noel /But what I really need is/

Tess /A great big cock/

Noel /Plums. They’re all I can have really. I’m allergic to anything else. With Kiwi, apricots and prunes, I don’t really come out in a rash it’s more a swelling of the tongue and a general feeling of ill health. The rash I get from; Bananas, strawberries, coconut, pineapple, mango, raisin, sultanas, oranges, limes and apples. Oh and Satsumas. But a melon! To me a melon is a lethal weapon. Cyanide. I tell you, if I had a melon, even a teeny, tiny little piece I’d die. I accidentally touched one in the Tesco metro in Balham last week. Soon as I touched it I collapsed and cracked my head on my trolley. Put me in hospital for a week. True. And I got the same feeling when I saw your melons. Cracking.

Jason Ok! Time!

Gregory I’ll be honest with you/

Jill Like most women/

Andrew I’m very picky, I want/

Joy Hugs and cuddles/

Noel But what I really need is/

Tess A great big cock.

Jason blows the whistle like halftime at a football match. The group begin to disperse.

Jason Was that alright for you Noel? Did that blow satisfy you?

Noel (To front) I’ll see you later. (To Jason) I was doing well then. Why did you blow then?

Jason It’s half time Noel. Go and have your complimentary glass of wine.

Noel Any larger.

Jason I believe so yes.

Noel Good. Next time wait until I’ve finished. I don’t know how these things work usually but you said five minutes and there’s no way that was five minutes.

Jason I assure you it was, my time keeping is quite precise.

Noel No it isn’t. You need to go with the flow a bit more. First time, ease into it a bit more, feel the mood.

Jason Unlike you I have a lot of experience at this event and know exactly what I am doing. I am used to managing people and assist Deborah here each week.

Noel You said you normally do the drinks.

Jason Yes. I help in other ways too.

Noel Well shouldn’t you be on the bar then?

Jason I will be there to assist you in a moment.

Noel Yeah, ‘cos it’ll be really difficult to open a bottle of lager on my own Joanne. (Exits)

Jason It’s/

Tess Joanne!

Jason It’s Jason you cretin, how can I help you?

Tess Your little joke about my hair wasn’t funny.
Jason I am terribly sorry what joke?

Tess What you said before we started about my hair.

Gregory I like your hair.

Tess Shut up. (To Jason) Everybody’s staring at my hair now when I talk to them.

Gregory I think it’s nice.

Tess That’s very kind of you, now fuck off.

Jason Why dont you go and have a glass of wine? Calm down a bit. You can talk to your fellow clag, Noel was it?

Tess Noel what? I’m not a clag. What’s a clag?

Jason It doesn’t matter, go and have a drink at the bar Medusa.

Tess What? You’re a nob. (Goes to exit) This is a shit night.

Jason Man of your dreams not here?

Tess Do you have a big cock?

Jason erm..I.

Tess There’s your answer then. (Exits)

Jason Thank god for/

Jill Jason you are an utter bastard.

Jason What?

Jill Telling people I’m a regular! It makes me sound like some bar crawling hussie with her legs wide open. I’m off to the loo. (exits)

Gregory I’m having a good time. Honest.

Jason Really?

Gregory No. Not really.

Jason Oh. I’ll put you on the list.

Gregory What’s a clag?

Jason It’s when a slag and cunt breed. They create a clag, and sometimes name it Tess. Go and have a drink.

Noel (Entering) There’s no lager.

Jason What?

Noel There’s no lager Jason. You said there would be lager and there is none.

Jason I must have left it in the car.

Noel Well go and get it.

Jason Hold on a minute/

Tess (Entering) There’s no corkscrew Twat face.

Jason I have the corkscrew. It’s on my Swiss army knife.
Tess Give it here then.

Jason It’s on my keys. I will open the wine.

Noel What about the lager?

Jason Sorry Noel (pronounces it No-elle) you will just have to have wine like everyone else.

Gregory I’ll have wine.

Noel Shut up you poof.

Tess Come on Joanne, give us the corkscrew or open the fucking wine.

Jason My name is Jason you imbecile.

Tess Fuck off you nob!

Jason Clag!

Tess Twat!

Jason Clag!

Tess Dickhead!

Jason Clag! Clag! Clag! Clag!

Tess What’s a clag Joanne?

Noel Yeah, what’s a clag?

Gregory A clag is the offspring off a…cunt and a slag. ‘Clag’. (Points to Jason)He told me.

Tess Is that right.

Gregory Yeah. I think your hair is fine.

Tess Shut up. Give me the corkscrew Jason. Give me the fucking corkscrew.

Jason (Gives her the Swiss army knife) I want it back.

Tess and noel exit.

Jason Thanks for that Gregory.

Gregory That’s alright. I like this speed dating. Is it always like this?

Jason Not always, no.

Gregory It’s just, you know, I was hoping to meet someone. Someone nice.

Jason I’m sure there’s someone out there for you.

Andrew There’s certainly no one in here. Not if you’re picky. Choosy. Particular.

Jason Oh great. Connoisseur are you? (Jill enters)

Andrew You could say that. Tried some fine women in my time. None of that ilk here. Nothing. Even if your not picky, you’d still be hard pressed.

Jason With your charm I’m surprised they’re not swooning at your feet.

Andrew There of a lower standard to the usual speed-dating crowd.

Jill You arsehole.

Jason What have I done now?

Jill Not you, Jason. Mr Picky here. (Mocking) ‘There of a lower standard to the usual speed dating crowd’. What have you got to be choosey about? Look at you!

Jason Jill I think you should go to the bar and have a drink.

Jill (Ignoring him) I’m so glad you’re here Andrew to pick the evening up for everyone. I before I was having a whale of a time, an absolute hoot. I for one am glad this place is cold and dank and full of unlikeables. In fact the ladies toilet being blocked is a welcome distraction from this otherwise euphoric occasion. I haven’t had so much fun since my ex husband caught testicular cancer, which he thoroughly deserved and I wished it upon him. So dreams do come true Andrew, hang in there.

Andrew I was just saying that

Jill Don’t come near me you horrible little man. Sit-down!

Andrew I only

Jill I swear if you talk to me again, I will kill you.

Jason Lets all just calm down. Shall we carry on? Sit down. Come on. (Jill and Andrew sit opposite each other).

Noel (entering with Tess) I can feel it coming up.

Tess Oh yeah?

Noel My rash. It’s the grapes. I react to fruit.

Tess I’ll make you feel better.

Noel Oh yeah? (She goes to touch him but he reacts) Ow! Sorry, It’s uncomfortable.

Jason (Blowing whistle in between them) Corkscrew?

Tess Oh. I dunno. Maybe in the kitchen. Or I might have put it in the bin. Can’t remember. (Tess goes and sits)

Jason Have you got it?

Noel Fuck off you twat. (sits)

Joy goes to Jason and gives him a big squeeze. Joy goes and sits next to Noel.

Jason (Goes to blow the whistle but doesn’t) Do what you want. (Exits)

This time they are arranged in couples. Noel and Joy. Andrew and Jill, Tess and
Gregory.

Andrew I/

Jill Kill you Andrew. I will kill you.

Andrew I’m sorry.

Jill Good.

Andrew I do think you’re a high standard.

Jill I am.

Andrew Too high for me.

Jill Save your flattery.
Gregory (Laughs hysterically) Where do I begin? Hi. I suppose I’m a jolly kind of chap and very social. I like the pub and cinema, the theatre of course.

Tess (Holds up her hand and stops him)

Noel Great. You.

Joy Me!

Noel I was trying to avoid you.

Joy Unlucky.

Noel Definitely

Andrew I like you. I do.

Jill You’re a tosser

Andrew I know.

Jill A make believe.

Andrew Yes.

Jill A liar.

Andrew And a fraud.

Jill What do you like? About me. What do you like?

Andrew erm..I.

Jill I like you.

Andrew Good.

Jill I think I know why. I can see straight through you. You can’t hide from me. All your bullshit and standards rubbish. Doesn’t wash with me.

Andrew I like that.

Jill You can be yourself.

Andrew Yes.

Jill you might like it.

Andrew I would. I want you to get to know me. This is our chance. No lies, no pretending. I’ll be honest with you, right from the start.

Jill Do you feel special?

Andrew I do. Yes I do.

Jill We could do this.

Andrew Yes, we could. No lies.

Jill Ever.

Andrew Ever.

Jill (They begin to act out a dominatrix fantasy) Kiss my shoes

Andrew Yes!

Jill Who’s what you need?

Andrew You are!

Jill Here’s what you need! (She pushes him with her foot, then over the next dialogue, picks him up by his hair until he is bent over the table). You need me!

Andrew Yes! Yes I need you! I want you!

Jill I am your every dream.

Andrew Yes! Yes! More! More!

Jill I am the wielder of whips!

Andrew Whips! Whips!

Jill I will chain you to my bosom.

Andrew Chain me! Chain me!

Jill Your flesh will tear against my nipple clamps!

Andrew Clamp me! Please! Please!

Jill You will suffer the penis hat!

Andrew Yes! I will suffer! Suffer!

Jill Suffer! (They kiss passionately)

Andrew What’s a penis hat?

Gregory I like your hair.

Tess Whatever.

Joy Because I’m not a tart like you or her?

Noel Hey! I’m not a tart.

Joy Yes you are. Here on the pull.

Noel Aren’t you?

Joy I’m not here to try and get an easy shag.

Noel You’d find it difficult. Anyway, I’m looking for someone special.

Joy Special in what way? Sucks like a hoover and goes like a train? You should have tried the tantric class next door.

Noel There’s a/

Joy No. There isn’t.

Noel Shame.

Joy It doesn’t have to be about sex you know.

Noel Here it comes, hugs and cuddles.

Joy Isn’t that what you want?

Noel Only if it comes after hot, dirty sex.

Joy Of course. Little man.

Noel What?

Joy Little. Man.

Noel Why are you calling me that?

Joy Isn’t it obvious?

Noel No.

Joy Let me spell it out for you. You are one of the little men, the also rans, the never quite made its. You think everyone’s getting more sex than you, and the world is awash with easy lays and one night stands. So you’re out to get your slice of the action. Prove yourself. Forget all your problems whilst you pissed on top of some slapper. Well good luck to you, go for it. Knock yourself out.

Noel Thanks I will.

Joy I should have said ‘literally’. The good ones get away you know.

Noel Is that what you are?

Joy Too good for you.

Noel Too frigid.

Joy Very funny. No. I meant you actually. You have nice eyes.

Noel What?

Joy Nice eyes and a nice smile. And it’s a shame you’re going to waste them trying to get laid. Instead of trying to find a good one. It’s your choice. Easier to have a quick slag than actually believe that someone might want to stay more than the night. But you wont realise and then it’s too late, and you’ll stop being one of the good ones and stay being a tart.

Noel What’s it to you what I do?

Joy I’m one of the good ones Noel. We’re more similar than you think.

Jill Like most women/

Andrew I’m very picky, I want/

Tess A great big cock/

Noel But what I really need is/

Joy (Hugs him. He flinches the relaxes and hugs her back)

Gregory I’ll be honest with you.

They all look across to Gregory who, side on, unzips his fly and, shielded by his
jacket shows Tess his big member. Jason enters looking at his watch. He sees
Gregory’s shielded member and the whistle falls from his mouth.


THE END