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Coach journey

by Barlow 

Posted: 10 July 2005
Word Count: 49
Summary: Returning from Cornwall recently, it was really foggy at first but these 4 haiku (word pictures?)came into my mind

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Mist matches my mood;
Shrouding landscape in grey gloom,
Masking what is real.

Trees loom from the mist,
Reminding me of their role
Keeping us alive.

In Bristol's dockyards,
Derricks stab the sullen sky,
Forming strange sail shapes.

Beside the M5
Stands a naked wooden man
Staring into space.

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Comments by other Members

Nik Perring at 23:45 on 10 July 2005  Report this post
Hi Barolw, Enjoyed these. Great imagery. Think th elast two are my faves - but it's a close call!



Beanie Baby at 14:07 on 11 July 2005  Report this post
Is there really a naked wooden man beside the M5? Wow. I think it would have caught my imagination, too! These are brilliant; really enjoyed them. Not over keen on Number Three although I like the words 'sullen sky' - particularly liked the fourth one - it makes my mind fill up with images and questions - how did he get there? What is he thinking about (assuming wooden men think, of course). Good stuff.

Ticonderoga at 14:38 on 11 July 2005  Report this post
Very clever and thought-provoking linking of imagery and mood from piece to piece. Keep scribbling!



Barlow at 16:19 on 11 July 2005  Report this post
Thanks Nik, Beanie and Mike for your encouraging comments. I've just realised that the syllable count is wrong in the last line of the 3rd one, which might partly explain why it is less appealing. As far as I can recall the naked wooden man was larger than life size and standing in a field beside the motorway, which seemed so bizarre. I did look for any explanatory hoardings, boards etc but there was nothing obvious to be seen! I was intrigued why he should be there which I suppose is why I included him in my verses.
Best wishes to you all,

joanie at 16:41 on 11 July 2005  Report this post
Barlow, I could have sworn that I had responded to this. Yes, I like the images, too. I think they would work equally well as single haiku. I find the first two particularly atmospheric.


lieslj at 12:37 on 13 August 2005  Report this post
Stark and surreal images, Barlow. I love that wooden man. He is a monument to isolation.

I couldn't fault the construction. You must have fixed whatever you perceived as wrong.

Congratulations on a fine piece, and welcome to WW. Hope you find much constructive intervention and feedback.


Barlow at 16:45 on 15 August 2005  Report this post
Thanks Liesl for your encouraging comments.
Yes, I did fix the syllable count - probably I should have indicated the change in some way.
I've just looked at a list of your pieces and you are certainly a most prolific writer.
Keep up the good work.
Best wishes,

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