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Tortured
Posted: 09 July 2005
Word Count: 46
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Soft blossoms
pierce my heart
until it bleeds.
Tender shoots
relentless
thrust through my mind.
Gentle words
scream nonsense.
My head explodes.
Light kisses
scourge my flesh
and lay it bare.
Affection
translates to
irritation.
I loved you.
Too late, you
choose to want me now.
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Comments by other Members
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 paul53 [for I am he] at 12:28 on 09 July 2005
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Joanie,
Oh, how this tugs at buried memories.
Slightly weakened by the "through my head / through my mind" repetition; would have preferred along the lines of:
Tender shoots
their relentless growth
tear my mind.
or simlar, but an excellent piece nonetheless.
Paul
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 joanie at 14:00 on 09 July 2005
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Thanks, Paul. You are absolutely right - funny how you don't notice these things yourself, isn't it? I haven't time to change it right now, but I'll have another look at it.
Glad it worked for you.
joanie
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Ticonderoga at 14:13 on 09 July 2005
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Ow! Horribly familiar. Tender, rueful, knowing and balanced. Fine piece.
Best,
Mike
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joanie at 18:59 on 09 July 2005
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Thank you Mike. I'm really glad it made sense for you. Paul, I have modified it. What do you think?
Thanks for reading!
joanie
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 James Graham at 13:00 on 12 July 2005
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Tender, rueful, sad...all these things. It's a fine poem. The simplicity of the first three lines is very moving.
'Affection/translates to/irritation' has a starkness about it, it's so pared down.
So...if it ain't broke, don't fix it? I hesitated before posting this, but finally couldn't resist the notion that by missing out one verse, and shuffling others, it could be not just a fine poem but as near perfect as anything in this grim old world can be. The 'tender shoots' lines seem a touch clumsier than the 'soft blossoms' lines, and not all that different in meaning any way. 'Light kisses' seem to follow very subtly from 'Soft blossoms' - the two seem close companions, one a metaphor for the other. Then 'affection' (wordless perhaps) moving on to 'gentle words' (spoken affection) and the explosion placed just before the summing-up in the last three lines. I know, it seems like vandalism...but see what you think anyway.
Soft blossoms
pierce my heart
until it bleeds.
Light kisses
scourge my flesh
and lay it bare.
Affection
translates to
irritation.
Gentle words
scream nonsense.
My head explodes.
I loved you.
Too late, you
choose to want me now. |
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James.
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joanie at 17:29 on 12 July 2005
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Very many thanks, James. Again you are absolutely right! It is so much better as you have suggested.
Thank you for your encouraging response.
joanie
<Added>
Why can't we have sound on here? I would love to be able to put a voice to this.
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James Graham at 21:39 on 13 July 2005
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Well, why not just make this version, with five verses instead of six, its final form? It's a model of tight construction - not a single word wasted. Each verse makes its unique poetic 'point'. The feeling the poem communicates is strong, and it has an unmistakeable ring of truth.
For the title, maybe just 'Torture' rather than 'Tortured'? Or even another word found in the thesaurus under 'torture', e.g. torment, abuse(?), anguish, affliction, trauma. (??)
James.
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Comments by other Members
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Zettel
