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Dream

by payalagg2410@yahoo.com 

Posted: 21 June 2005
Word Count: 56
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I walk the forest
along beaten path
As the bushes hung
too high to crown me
the scratches are nothing
but a tattoo in the skin.

Without fear of drowning
I jump the ditches which
are too wide.
Among the roots
Iclimb the tallest tree,
all in my dream
for i had no fear of falling.






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paul53 [for I am he] at 11:00 on 21 June 2005  Report this post
Though I liked the imagery, I think this poem is let down by the changes in tense. "I walk" but the bushes "hung" instead of "hang", etc.
This could be a fine introductory poem with a redraft along the lines of:
I walk the forest
along beaten paths
the bushes hang
too high to crown me
their scratches are nothing -
tattoos on my skin.

Without fear of drowning
I leap ditches
too wide to jump;
among the roots
I climb the tallest tree,
all in my dream
for I have no fear of falling.

This is better, but it still leaves the storyteller being among the roots while at the same time being up in the tallest trees. Perhaps another line here?
Paul

<Added>

P.S. You've posted the same poem twice. So save getting comments in two directions, delete the other one if you can.
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