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The immorality of ink

by Stocksie 

Posted: 17 June 2005
Word Count: 49
Summary: A poem I wrote about the pressures from home to find a 'proper career' and the need for an emotional outlet.
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I want to be creative.
I want to be friends with a pen
I want to be creative
I want to live again

Paternal injustice – emotional bureaucrat
You should do this
You shouldn’t do that

I want to be friends with a pen
What is wrong with that?






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Comments by other Members



paul53 [for I am he] at 12:18 on 17 June 2005  Report this post
Nothing wrong at all. Go for it. The past might mold us, but we still have a say about the shape we'll have as we slowly set.
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SmithBrowne at 14:53 on 17 June 2005  Report this post
David -- welcome.

Craft-wise: nice, clearly enunciated, tightly woven work, for the most part. I've only one pause -- at the 2nd line. Rhythmically, it might read more smoothly as follows:

I want to be creative,
to be friends with a pen
I want to be creative
I want to live again


That allows all the lines to be trimeter -- and therefore read more smoothly. I don't think you'd lose anything by allowing the parallelism of "I want to be" to break for that one moment. And I think you gain more. Rhythm in this poem seems more important than any strict adherence to that structure. Rhythm will help get your meaning across.

Again welcome, hope you stick around,

Smith


<Added>

p.s. -- love the title!!
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joolsk at 13:47 on 22 June 2005  Report this post
I'm not much of an expert in poetry but your lines made me smile. I liked the simplicity of your message and how cleanly it was delivered.

I also identified with the middle paragraph and thought that your economy with words made me want to cheer you on rather than feel sorry for you.
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Stocksie at 14:12 on 30 June 2005  Report this post
thanks for the feedback everyone - I think I will make some changes as a result
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