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Breathing You
Posted: 07 June 2005
Word Count: 54
Summary: Senses of love, or desperation
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Breathe me in, when all I breathe is you.
Seek my gaze, when all I see is you.
Talk to me, when all I hear is you.
Hold me close, when all I feel is you.
Feed my hunger, when all I taste is you.
Live with me, when I can't live without you.
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Comments by other Members
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.JPG) Zettel at 11:21 on 07 June 2005
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H
The repetition builds the feeling. A bit like a series of sad ehoes.
Very evocative. Write on.
Z
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 Ambitions of Lisa at 14:47 on 07 June 2005
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:)
It sounds more like total devotion rather than desperation Stephen. Beautiful.
I like the length and also the repetition.
Lis
x
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 joanie at 17:33 on 07 June 2005
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I like the form of this and the repetitions, which are like echoes. (Oh, sorry, Zettel - your idea, the echoes!)
Lovely.
joanie
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 James Graham at 18:41 on 07 June 2005
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You're building well on this repetitive form. There's always a song-like impression created, as of course songs so often work through repetitions and refrains. This is a good length too, but having said that I think there's just one line too many. 'Be with me, when all I want is you' is too much like the last line in meaning, and also doesn't have the motif of the senses which all the previous lines have. The series breathe, look, hear, touch, feed moves very naturally into 'Live with me'. All these things add up, like a sort of sum, to the 'total' idea - 'live'. As an extra touch, 'live' rounds off the poem by echoing the idea of 'breathe' - breathe/live, closely related words framing everything else. So I'd leave out 'Be with me...'
James.
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hailfabio at 01:02 on 08 June 2005
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Thanks for all comments.
James, yes I was thinking about all the senses so I think you're right. Breathe/live go well.
Stephen
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Account Closed at 09:16 on 10 June 2005
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A wonderful love poem, and goodness don't we need more of these! Love the build-up during such a few lines too. Great stuff!
:))
LoL
A
xxx
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Beanie Baby at 21:44 on 10 June 2005
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Really really love it! Short poetry is much more my thing on the whole and this is a perfect example. I love the feel of it; the sweet repetition sounds almost like a heartbeat. Fantastic piece. More please!!
Beanie x
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