Sojourn in Mantua
Posted: 15 July 2003
Word Count: 125
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There is no world without Verona walls,
But purgatory, torture, hell itself.
Romeo, III.iii
for Godot
Here I am, alone, sitting on a beach
With a view of the sea spread out across
The sky, an infinite sadness and loss
In melancholic blues beyond my reach.
I am sinking further and further down
Into the depths of the void, the sad sea
Unforgiving and cruel as it takes me
Into the vortex; no wave as I drown.
Here I am, alone, waiting on a beach
For faceless time to cease the ageless gong,
For answers to questions beyond my reach.
I wait, and wait, but sad hours seem long.
And on the cliff edge, people come and go,
Watching the waves from the rocky plateau.
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 James Graham at 12:40 on 22 July 2003
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A Romantic (with a capital R) sonnet, a little reminiscent of Shelley - 'written in dejection at Mantua'! The echoes, 'beyond my reach', 'sitting on a beach'/'waiting on a beach' work well - just enough to suggest recurrence, things not moving on, time standing still. There are some very good lines, especially 'For faceless time to cease the ageless gong' which is very concise and poised in its sound and rhythm. But I feel there are a few weak points.
'...the sea spread out across the sky? The sea being across the sky doesn't seem right. These things are hard to alter in a rhymed poem, because you have to maintain the rhyme. I've tried to compose two revised lines myself, and have discovered how hard it is! But it might start from something like 'on a beach,/The sea....(something like 'spread out', can't get the word; or maybe a word descriptive of mood)...and out across/The infinite sky...'
'...further and further down' seems just to be filling in the line. It might be easier here to get a stronger line.
It struck me quite forcibly too that the second-last line would make a better last line, as it does so much work for the poem. It suggests that others may catch something of the mood you express in the poem, but only transiently because they 'come and go'. The people on the cliff seem almost as remote as the sky. There are other nuances too; in the context of the poem I think this line would be just the kind of last line that would leave the reader still, as it were, working on the poem. How to reverse the last two lines? 'Plateau' might still fit, but there are many other rhymes for 'go'.
I'm always aware that it's quite presumptuous to pick over a poem like this and suggest revisions. But sonnet-making is fascinating, and there's a temptation to tinker with someone else's work. Anyway, let me know what you think.
James.
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 Adam at 12:57 on 22 July 2003
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Dear James,
Thank you once again for your insightful comments. Just printing them off - I'm going to read over them and play around with the poem. I'll get back to you as soon as possible...
Cheers,
Adam
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poemsgalore at 12:30 on 27 July 2003
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I like the idea of the sea spread out across the sky, it gives the idea of no beginning and no end, an everlasting blueness.
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Adam at 01:32 on 05 August 2003
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Hi guys!
New version of 'Sojourn in Mantua' - please tell me what you think. (It's actually in a short story of the same name on website...)
Anyway, here it is...
SOJOURN IN MANTUA
Here I am, alone, sitting on a beach
With a view of the sea spread out across
The sky, an infinite sadness and loss
In melancholic blues beyond my reach.
I am sinking, insidiously, down
Into the depths of the void, the sad sea
Unforgiving and cruel as it takes me
Into the whirlpool; no wave as I drown.
Here I am, alone, waiting on a beach
For faceless time to cease the ageless gong,
For answers to questions beyond my reach.
I wait, and wait, but sad hours seem long.
And on the cliff edge, people come and go,
Watching the waves from the rocky plateau.
Cheers,
Adam
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