Come Again Please
Episode Script:
******************************

Episode: 1 (Pilot Episode)

Title: Home is where the beer flows


Written by Scott Evans


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~*~
Pre-Opening Theme
Commercial
~*~

Int: Night Club (Not The Old Seagull Inn that the show revolves around)

Patrick is sitting at a bar, in front of him is a full pint of larger and behind him are other people stood having a good time laughing and drinking.

The room is full of smoke, flashing disco lights flicker and cheesy loud music can be heard blaring in the background [Song is ‘Fat bottom girl’ by Queen].

Patrick is visibly drunk and very merry looking; he concentrates hard on the drink in front of him.

VOICEOVER (Miller)
<Reverberates>
What makes you do these stupid bloody things Patrick?


PINT GLASS
(Animates)
Go on mate; do it, shag her!

Patrick continues to drunkenly stare at his pint glass, starry eyed before the camera cuts back to the pint glass

PINT GLASS
SHAG HER!

Cam rapidly zooms across the bar and stops abruptly at a very large barmaid ‘Becky’; she is extremely over weight, unpleasant looking and badly fashioned.

Cut back to Patrick while the voice of the Pint Glass can be heard still out of shot

PINT GLASS
SHAG HER! SHAG HER!

Patrick gives a dopey smile at the Barmaid

Barmaid returns smiles

PINT GLASS
SHAG HER!
(Voice fades out as credits begin)

Cut abruptly to opening credits:

~*~
Opening Theme
Commercial
~*~


1.Int: The Old Seagull Inn.

Ben takes off his shaded glasses and speaks to the camera in a very cool manner

BEN
A new pub is like a new woman; you go there the first time because you like the look of it

MILLER
Or because it looks cheap
(He interrupts whilst walking past behind)

BEN
But! Once you get there and you find it’s a bit rubbish you aren’t going to go back again are you but if you get that little bit extra than you bargained for and it excites you, you’ll find yourself coming again and again


As the camera pulls away we see Ben has been speaking to a young man sat in front of himself, dressed in a shirt and tie but very undignified still in appearance.

BEN
So…
(Ben looks at some notes)
Qwim; why do you want to become our new barman, why should I employ you to join us on the eve of the opening of the greatest bar this town will ever see?

Qwim looks gormless and stumped for a few seconds before answering

QWIM
Erm…why should I join you…well

Qwim struggles to answer

BEN
Well why did you apply for the job?

QWIM
Because the bastards made me

BEN
The bastards?

QWIM
Yeah those dole-busting bastards who have nothing better to do than pick on us poor buggers, you know. I mean it’s not just me either mate, they’ll pick on anyone, anyone! Take all those poor mothers, moms I mean, on me estate who just need a little extra, just a little more. Have you ever seen those horrid little brats wrapped around their ankles man? So what if they make a bit on the side, they need a little extra…. to get pissed, I mean that’s not taking the piss is it?

Ben just continues to listen quite dumb founded

QWIM
I mean let the mothers drink damn it.
God I hate those murdering bastards

BEN
Murdering bastards?

QWIM
Yeah, think about it like, how will all those ugly wankers pull down the local if all the single mothers aren’t getting pissed up…you know what I’m talking about

Ben looks stunned

QWIM
Man their spoiling everyone fun for the sake of a few quid, miserable bastards, its not like the money coming out of their back pockets.

BEN
Erm…you said murdering…

QWIM
Murdering bastards, yeah man. If all the singles moms aren’t getting pissed up their not going to be having all the drunken sex you know (winks) and then what…I’ll tell you. If they don’t all have sex with all the ugly fuckers then there gonna stop all the unwanted pregnancies, their stopping lives man geeees…. let the people screw the dole I say, screw it for the children…. Won’t someone just think of the children!

Ben looks at a grinning Qwim for a few seconds

Cut to:

Ben boots Qwim out the front door

Cut to:

Ben returns to bar and stands next to Miller

BEN
God, how hard is it to find some descent staff in this stupid little town?

MILLER
It was your idea to move down here

BEN
I had no choice you know that

MILLER
But…

BEN
But nothing! This place is opening tonight and we still haven’t got all the new gear out of the van, where the hell is Patrick!

Cut to:


2.Ext: The Beach

We find Patrick awakening with a thunderous headache and hangover, for a moment he looks a little stunned and bewildered but he soon realises something is amiss. First he raises his head a little to look around and recognizes he is not at home but lay almost naked (spare a pair of boxer shorts and a bit of covering sand) on a beautiful sandy beach under a glorious sunny blue sky but then he notices something else. Patrick turns to his side and finds he is not alone for next to him lays a small midget lady who also just begins to wake up.

Patrick looks on in amazed silence as she gets up totally naked and starts to get dressed.

As she pulls up her fish stock nettings she acknowledges Patrick for the first time and pats him on the cheek

MIDGET
Time for work now babes

PATRICK
Work

MIDGET
Yeah the sailors are pulling in early this morning
(She mounts a small BMX)
Got to beat the rush babes

The midget blows Patrick a kiss before riding off into the hazy horizon on her small BMX

Patrick tries for a second to make sense of all this before giving up and passing back out

Cut to:


3.Ext: Outside the Old Seagull Inn

Patrick walks mournfully up to the bar his family have just brought, still dressed in only his sandy pants he stands out side where he looks upon the grand seaside pub draped in glorious sunshine in a thoughtful manner.

DREAM SEQUENCE
To the theme tune of ‘Cheers’ Patrick walks through the front doors to be welcomed with open arms by his brother Ben and their best friend Miller

BEN
(To Miller besides him)
Look Miller, my brother returns.
(To Patrick)
Sit down and tell me all about your night

All the lads gather around the bar as Patrick begins to describe his previous night out

DREAM SEQUENCE ENDS
Patrick finds himself still stood out the Old Seagull Inn; he takes a deep breath and walks through the doors

Cut to:

4.Int: The Old Seagull Inn bar room
Patrick strolls into the bar to find Ben and Miller moving around the bar furniture but as soon as they see him they stop.

BEN
Where the fuck has you been? We’ve been waiting for you all morning you shit!


PATRICK
Ah that’s nice

BEN
You what!

PATRICK
Well when was the last time you waited ages for a shit and didn’t like it when it finally came

BEN
(To Miller)
Argh…I’m not in the mood for that bloody donkey now!
I’m going to start getting the new chairs and tables in and see if there’s any sign of the next interviewee turning up


Ben stamps off in a huff

Patrick pours himself a drink and then sits down on a stool; Miller sits next to him.

Patrick scratches his messy short black hair, groans then rests down his head, Miller smiles at his friends blatant hangover.

Patrick starts to spit and pulls a hair out of his mouth and looks at it for a second, then groans as he feels his ribs, which looks bruised

MILLER
What’s up mate?

PATRICK
Ol’God I’ve done something
(He says in a long drawn out disheartening manner)

MILLER
What,
(He chuckles with a rather silly grin)
What av you done?

PATRICK
Something really, really stupid

MILLER
So what have you done this time then?

PATRICK
(Continues) Well, you know that Becky

Miller interrupts

MILLER
Mr Blobbies illegitimate daughter?
(Spoken with a laugh)

PATRICK
Yeah well I think I had a bit of the naughty vicar with her last night

MILLER
Ooooooh man…what do you mean you think?

PATRICK
Well I was proper hank tanked last night down town on the pop and I think…oh god… I think I can remember being tortured by her but…

MILLER
Mate what was you thinking, she’s terrible. The one eye monster might not have an excuse but you have two eyes to see her with!

PATRICK
I know but what’s worrying me more is that I’m sure there’s something I’m forgetting, I just can’t remember how it all finished … ooh my bloody head, I know I didn’t wake up with her this morning but…

MILLER
Where did you wake up this morning?

PATRICK
Oh no where special

At this point Patrick notices the small midget lady ride pass outside the window and he looks very nervous

PATRICK
Just in some bushes…anyway

MILLER
Anyway
(He interrupts)
Ben’s gonna be pissed if he finds out you’ve been shagging the new staff before the pub even opens, especially since he’s hiring uglier staff so you wouldn’t want to donkey’em!


PATRICK
But there’s something I know I’m forgetting, the last place I remember seeing her was…

MILLER
Ben!

Ben walks over still in a huff

BEN
For god sake Pat get some clothes on, I can see your damn Blair!
Look you two we have only got a few hours till this place is packed with people for the big opening do, yet we still haven’t got all the new furniture in and we still haven’t got another barman for tonight, therefore can you please give me a bloody hand.
<Sighs>
Look it’s really important to me that I can make this place a success for myself, I’m fed up with doing all the slogging and hard work, then the old man getting stealing all the respect and lime-light. Well this time I want it to be different, this pub is going to be different, I want people to know from the off that I’m the gaffa, not his highness. I’m not going to be seen as daddy’s little puppet, this is my place and I want people to know that. So can you two just help me get it right for once?

Miller nods but Patrick just tuts

BEN
Come on Pat I don’t need your usual crap

PATRICK
Whatever
Ben looks at his watch

BEN
Thanks <exhales> … the next interview was suppose to be here by now, where the hell has he got to?

Cut to:


5.Ext: Roadside
On the side of a quiet road we see a police car parked next to another car that appears to have driven straight into a lamppost, on the curb nearby sits an old man holding his bruised head.
Next to the vehicles stand a smartly dressed young man speaking to a police officer.

OFFICER
Sir can you please tell me clearly what caused you to crash your vehicle into the lamppost and almost kill Mr Dangles

YOUNG MAN
Er well… look I was on me way to a job interview when suddenly that maniac their
(Points to old man)
Just ran out into the road
(Whispers)
I think he’s a bit pissed though; look he’s wobbling now

Old man on the curbs passes out unnoticed with a whimper

OFFICER
You are aware Mr Dangles was in a wheel chair when struck

Midget rides past on her BMX also unnoticed by the young man and police officer

A second police officer engages the speaking pair

2nd OFFICER
Sir we have a witness who says she saw the whole thing

YOUNG MAN
(Whispers to himself)
Shit

A young lady walks into view and she in dressed in a very revealing nightgown that leaves nothing to the imagination

In the foreground the ignored old man is help up by the female midget who returns to help him

2nd OFFICER
She says that she saw the whole event, it seems that just after she leant down to pick up her bottle of milk the car smashed into the lamppost after passing her

The two police officers give the guilty looking young man a glare all still unaware of Mr Dangles who has now gotten up and gone off with the midget after showing her some money he produces from his pocket; she tows him alone in his wheelchair with her BMX



6.Int: The Old Seagull Inn bar room

Ben, Miller and Patrick are still sat at the bar; all seem to be having breakfast.
A very small shorthaired dog enters the bar via a side door carrying a teddy in his mouth and begins to make his way past the three lads.
A piece of sausage falls out of Bens sandwich and he bends down to pick it up off of the floor, as he does so the small dog goes berserk and tries to viciously attack his hand

BEN
God sake dog!

Ben gets up and tries to choo the dog away with his foot only to have that savaged too

BEN
Damn it! MOM
(He shouts)
Come down and get your stupid fucking dog

PATRICK
Oh don’t go waking that old cow

Patrick stands up and kicks the teddy (now left on the floor) across the room, prompting the dog to run off after it

BEN
What the hell made that dog so violent?

MILLER
Maybe he thought you were gonna steal its shag bag teddy

BEN
In all the years we have had that bloody dog have anyone got down on their hands and knees and tried to steal its stupid bloody bear?

Camera zooms in on Patrick

FLASH BACK SCENE

We see a small puppy yelping whilst in the background we hear drunken moans, the camera pans across the room to see a drunken Patrick with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand shagging the puppy’s teddy bear

FLASH BACK ENDS

The dog comes running back over and starts barking at Ben again

BEN
Oh piss off

Ben begins to torment the small dog with the sausage that dropped on the floor; making the dog jump up over and over again for the treat he has no intention of giving him. Ben then pretends to throw the sausage (but doesn’t) tricking the dog into running off in the distant in search it.

MILLER
You shouldn’t do that man

Ben shrugs off Millers warning and stands up

BEN
I’ve got stuff to do and so do you two so stop your yapping and finish your food quick

Ben walks off

Patrick watches the small dog rummaging around looking in vain for the sausage it will never find before it gives up and runs off through the side door and back up stairs. Patrick then looks very hard at the stairs and panic ravages his face

Cut to:


7. Int. The Old Seagull Inn. Patrick’s bedroom

Shot of Patrick’s messy bedroom

Shot centres on a double bed

An extremely large figure can be seen beneath the bed sheets. Scene then cuts back to bar

Cut to:

8. Int. The Old Seagull Inn. Bar

Miller and Patrick still sit around the bar

PATRICK
She’s upstairs

MILLER
Ay?

PATRICK
Becky, I remember now, …oh my god… I remember…I REMEMBER IT ALL…ARGGGHHH

FLASH BACK

Patrick has a vision of the night before

We see a massive large bum sat on Patrick’s head as his arms and legs swing wildly while he struggles terribly as if he is suffocating

At the end of the bed is a frothy empty pint glass

PINT GLASS
(Laughs manically)
Ha ha ha ha
SHAG HER
You can do it
Scene begins to fade away
Ha ha ha ha
Fuck the fatty

FLASH BACK ENDS


MILLER
Where is she now?

PATRICK
Upstairs still

MILLER
(Laughs)

Patrick head collapse hard onto the bar

MILLER
What makes you do these stupid bloody things Patrick?


Patrick remains silent with his head against the bar

Cut to:


9.Int: The Old Seagull Inn. Upstairs. Parents Bedroom

Ben and Patrick mother pulls herself out of bed while her husband (the lads father) remains sprawled across the bed still clad in his previous days clothes that are blanketed with ash from a burnt out fag that still rests on his unshaven face.

The mother puts her pair of pointed glasses onto her unloving twisted face then looks about her room before calling out in a high pitched Irish accent

HEATHER (Mother)
Cuddles…Cuddles where the fecking ell are you?

Precisely at this minute the same small dog that attacked Ben runs into the room and jumps up into Heathers arms where he proceeds to lick her whiskered face with much love


Cut to:

10.Int. The Old Seagull Inn. Bar

PATRICK
What do you think I should do? I’m scared mate to go back up…(whimpers) she’s gonna want more
(He starts to cry; however this is in a comical manner)

MILLER
(Speaking in a calm manner)
Well if I was you I’d just go up stairs, wake her up and then demand fifty quid for the night before, but be serious mind

Shot of Patrick; he listens carefully

Cut to Miller

(Miller continues)
Now she’ll either sit up and slap you, leave and never seen again or…

PATRICK
What?

MILLER
She’ll pay you…
(Miller sips from his glass of coke and smiles)
All good either way

Patrick looks amazed at this rather stupid suggestion but thinks for a second, then realises once more what a stupid idea it is; this is facial expressed

PATRICK
Sounds promising that
<Sarcastic>
But…<exhale>I dunno, I mean I have to ditch her, I have to.
I should just go up there now and boot her out of me bed

(Surreal Patrick imagines kicking Becky out of bed; we see this in a still image. The picture shows Patrick having kicked Becky into mid air out of bed, this is portrayed comically, Benny Hill style, not to be taken seriously).

Patrick continues talking
Confront her and just be honest with her…
But I think I’ve had one of my better ideas

MILLER
Oh yeah, what’s that then?

Miller looks at Patrick waiting for a reply

Patrick suddenly jumps off his stool and runs off
Cut to bar entrance door

Standing at the door is Ben talking to a deliveryman

Patrick runs very fast past them and out of the pub.

Patrick is still only in a t-shirt and boxer shorts; he does not even have a pair of socks on.

Ben and man look on in amazement