It’s Two fifteen a.m. on Radio Suicide, and…

“Time for Death Bed Special, in our studio tonight, please welcome this week’s star contestant, all the way from Texas, Mr. Gregory McGee!
(Studio audience applause)
Welcome Gregory, I guess you know the rules, to win the prize of fifty thousand dollars; all you have to do is kill yourself in less than seven minutes. Got that Gregory? Don’t forget the bonus prize, for if you’re dead in less than two, we give you twenty thousand more! So before we start let’s find out why our star contestant Greg McGee is keen to end his life.
‘Well sir, I am tired of being depressed about the war. It gets me down, the T.V. news and what I see in newspapers, you know, the bombs and killing, all that stuff, it’s just so kinda inhumane and like I say it just depresses me so much that I want out.’
Greg that’s beautiful, and tell our studio audience tonight, and all the people listening at home, who you have chosen to receive the seventy thousand dollars if you die?
‘Well sir, if my exit goes to plan tonight, my girlfriend Lydia gets to keep the money, so that she can have new breast implants.’
Greg, that’s just so beautiful and is she in the audience tonight? Is that her there? Hey Lydia – could you stand up please? There she is, folks, wish the lovely Lydia luck
(Studio audience applause)
So Greg it’s nearly time, let’s now go over to the bed so you can talk us through the things you’ve brought in for tonight, and what you’re going to do with them.
‘Well sir, this is just a plastic bag which I’m pretty sure my head fits in real neat, and next to it I have a piece of rope with one end made into a noose or slip knot and the other end I’ve knotted tight around the bedpost, see? These are leather shackles, they go round my ankles. And these handcuffs here I’ll put on so it doesn’t matter if I change my mind.’
Great! Well time’s run out, it’s time to play….
(Fanfare)
Death Bed Special!
(Cymbal crash)
Are you ready Gregory? Here we go, the final countdown, ten-nine-seven-six-five-four-three-two-one!
And he’s off, tonight’s contestant, all the way from Texas, Mr. Gregory McGee is taking all his clothing off, it’s quite a sight, the studio audience here tonight are already quite aroused and quite excited and we’ve only had ten seconds!
Now he’s naked, climbing swiftly on the bed, he’s got the leather shackles round his ankles, doing up the buckles nice and tight, now he’s kneeling on the bed, picking up the handcuffs, clasping one cuff round his wrist. O.K. Mr. McGee you’ve now had twenty seconds!
Now he’s picking up the plastic bag, it looks like it will fit, it’s clear and shiny, yes
he is managing to pull it down. It’s fairly tight, a neat fit on his head, he’s pulled it down as far as it will go, and now he’s got the noose, he’s got it round his neck, it’s hanging loose around the bottom of the bag. Mr. Gregory McGee you’ve now had thirty seconds!
Well the studio audience tonight is gripped; our eyes are focused on the cuff that Gregory is trying hard to clasp around the other wrist behind his back. He’s struggling here and losing vital time. Has he practiced this enough we ask? The atmosphere is tense and YES he’s done it, both his wrists are clasped behind his back and now Greg’s pulling at the rope, pulling backwards so the noose will tighten round his neck and seal the plastic bag airtight around his head. He’s doing it!
And with only forty seconds left, the crowd is on its feet and cheering loud, we have a contest here tonight!
He’s rolling over on the bed. Now he’s on his back, it looks like Mr. Gregory McGee is getting quite aroused, that rope I guess is very tight around his neck. The guy’s erection is a sight to see, hard to describe to all you listeners at home, so let’s just say it’s big. Fifty seconds! Greg is breathing hard, the plastic bag expanding and contracting with each heaving breath, his skinny ribs poke out as he breathes in, the plastic tight against his face, now he’s writhing on the bed, turning on his side, I see his fists are tightly closed, he’s pulling hard but I am pretty sure those handcuffs look like they are tough enough. One minute up and one to go! Now tonight’s contestant, Mr. Gregory McGee is slowing down, his face inside the shiny, clear food bag is red and he looks set to win. Now he’s turned onto his belly, still his body twists and jerks like some wild animal chained to a post. Now he’s on his side and curling up and saying something, moaning from inside the plastic bag, though it’s hard to make out what he’s trying to say with all the cheering that is going on in here tonight. The audience is going crazy. Fifty seconds left to go! He’s rolling over on his back, his breathing’s slowing down, his dick is hard but life looks like it’s slipping from the rest of him. The plastic bag is all steamed up but you can still make out his eyes, his mouth that’s open wide so desperate for fresh air, his hair now soaked with sweat. He’s slowed right down, the guy is fading fast, there’s now no movement in his body. Forty seconds left to go! I think he’s breathing out his final breath, the plastic bag is slowly filling out one final time, his eyes are still and the expression on his face is quite bizarre, a mixture of delight and pain. His chest is still, he isn’t moving now at all, the audience is quiet now and everyone is breath-holding maybe just to see if they can hear his heart stop beating.
(Silence)
Now I’m moving over to the bed to check the pulse of Mr. Gregory McGee and see if he is dead.
He’s dead! He’s won! In only one minute, twenty-seven seconds, Mr. Gregory McGee has done it! Killed himself and what a way to go. The crowd is on its feet and their applause is thunderous indeed! And Lydia, well she is speechless, she has left her seat and climbed up on the stage, she wants to thank Greg, yes she’s on the bed and kissing him, she’s kissing Gregory’s wrapped face, and tears of joy are falling from her eyes, she’s taken off her jacket, thrown it on the floor, she’s covering him with kisses, my Lydia, well she seems like quite a girl and she’ll be going home with seventy thousand dollars! Hey, my oh my, now this is quite a sight, Miss Lydia, why she’s taking off her clothing, throwing it off in all directions, and well it seems that she’s so overwhelmed and proud of Greg and keen to show him gratitude, she’s climbing now on top of him, she’s got her thighs around him and she’s sitting on his dick, and yes she’s fucking him, it’s really quite a sight as I am sure you listeners at home imagine. Yes siree, this lovely Lydia’s going all the way, she’s riding the late Gregory McGee, leaning down from time to time to kiss his plastic covered mask of death.
Well we must leave dear Lydia, for that’s all we have time for. Join us next week, same time, Suicide Radio for your favorite late night show: Death Bed Special. Goodnight folks, God bless you all. God Bless America.”
(Studio audience applause)

Daniel Guy.