Rummy, DC and Good 'Ole George

Election strategy meeting. White House.
Present: Donald Rumsfeld (Rummy). Dick Cheney (DC). G W Bush (Porgy)

DC: 'kay. Let's get to it. We're up shit creek. I'd like a paddle.

DR: Objective: bury JFK.

GB: Jeez! Where's the body been all this time?

DC: Kerry, George - John F Kerry. Your opponent remember?

GB: I knew that DC. Just joshing.

DC: Porgy, why not cut the jokes. Just be yourself. That works fine.

DR: Strategy's easy: shaft the man; screw the wife; and use the war.

GB: Er…..I get the war thing but…..

DR: C'mon Porgy we've been through metaphor before - these are political not sexual.

GB: Jeez that's a relief. I really could only have managed two of the three.

DC: (Wearily) Can we get back to the point. There are national interests at stake here: $1.5 billion of Saudi investment for one. Good for the country and good for Halliburton. Plus there's those Iraq contracts we might lose.

GB: Tell me again DC: when….sorry if…we invade Sawdee d'ya think we'll get away with soaking up all the re-construction contracts? Dad's got a few contacts if we got some business to place.

DC: (testily) Of course, as long as you don't keep slipping Blair nice little deals.

GB: Aw c'mon DC he's a good guy. One of us.

DC: No George what's our saying……?

GB: Don't call me George DC, it shows you're mad at me. The saying…..? (ponders, scratches hair like Stan Laurel).
(Suddenly)
Got it! What's good for us is good for the US.

DR: Well done Porgy.

GB: Ya know guys, that's got such a ring to it I thought I might use it in the next state of the nation……

(the other two shout in unison)
DR/
DC: George! That's our little saying remember?

GB: OK guys. Shame though, it really sounds true and convincing. Except I'm still not sure we should use the same word twice.

DR: (impatiently)
For Christ's sake George. We've been through this so many……

DC: Leave it Rummy. That duck died long ago.

GB: Duck?

DC: S'okay Porgy. Let's move on.

GB: OK Dickie.

DC: (Wearily). Told you George. Don't call me that.

GB: Sorry DC. Forgot Washington.

DC: Pardon?

GB: Washington…Washington DC….geddit? That's how I remember.

DR: DC, sometimes I think there's more than one dead duck in town.

GB: Ducks again? C'mon guys let me in on the joke.

DC: Focus guys. This creek smells just as bad and I still don't see that paddle.

GB: I don't understand……….

(Shouting in unison)
DC/ George! Shuddup!
DR:

DC: How do we get JF…(looks at GB)..er Kerry and keep Porgy away from the TV debate?

GB: I can take him DC. You don't believe me but I'll cut him to smithereens.

DR: No. Too risky (looks meaningfully at DC)…..to say the least. We need something else.

GB: Gottit! How's about we play a round of golf: head to head! I'll murder the snotty east coast bastard.

DR: Porgy, we got a war, two if you count that other place….er….shit what was it called DC?

DC: Afghanistan Rummy.

DR: Oh yeah. I remember. Well Porgy we got these two wars already: either I-ran or Sawdee next; plus unemployment's up and the economy's a bit shaky.

GB: What's your point Rummy?

DR: Well George, with all this shit happening all around us, the voters might find your golf prowess…how can I put this nicely……of crap all interest you schmuck!

GB: Hey. Just remember who's president here fella.

DR: Yeah. Sorry POTUS. Just slipped out.

GB: POTUS…..now where….oh yeah - West Wing. Never mind Rummy - apology accepted.

DC: For fuck's sake guys. Think!…………… Kerry

DR Well we've rubbished all that hero crap. By the way DC: you had the bill for that yet? I need to bury it.
Anyway the guy does our work for us personality-wise, walks like he's got a flagpole up his ass and talks like it hurts.

GB: This is more like it. I love the cut and thrust of real political debate.

DC: OK, let's keep on at the hero thing. The mistress thing looks like a dead duck…

GB: There you go again with the ducks. C'mon guys let me in.

DC: It's just a saying Porgy…..So I say let's hit the wife.

GB: (Incredulous)
A contract! Jeez DC we'd never get away with it.

DC: (Ignores him. Carries on). How can we hit him through the wife?

GB: Can't be that hard. Christ the woman's not even got an American accent. And giving all that loot away……it's……un-American. The more you give the more they take. And she's a lippy smartass.

DC: George it may have passed you by, but half the electorate doesn't have an 'American' accent. And giving money away to people in need may be bad for them but a lot of voters are a bit sentimental and soft-headed about it.

DR: I'll get the guys on it. She can't track every buck. Some of that cash must have found its way to some pinko, liberal bullshit organisation.

DC: So what about the goddam war.

DR: Well I've set up some more national alerts. Polling shows it's working, about 50% say they're shit scared and at least another 25% just won't admit it. We've got the Brits on the case, 'Tone' wants his voters scared too, so he's set up similar deals.

DC: Maybe we should copy them and send a security booklet to every household in America.

DR: "Go in. Stay in. Tune in?" Send that message to the American people and half the population will be high within 10 minutes.

DC: We get a real alert and they will be anyway.

GB: Probably 75% in this administration.

(DC/DR look sharply at GB)
DC: You know George, just occasionally, you unsettle me. It's almost as if….No…couldn't be.

DR: Okay what else? I've got a couple of high profile raids lined up. We've known about them for ages so we can pick 'em up when we like. Just leaves Osama.

GB: Osama?

DR: Bin Laden Porgy. You remember.

GB: Of course I remember. You think I'm stupid? What about him?

DR: Well if we could get him or even fake just missing him that would nail the election for you.

GB: Rummy, Dickie…sorry DC, I've got it!. Jeez I'm a genius.

DC/
DR: Go on George…hit us.

GB: Well you remember that Saddam had loads and loads of doubles? Well what if we ………

DC: Don't even go there Porgy. The American people are pretty dumb but they ain't gonna fall for……..

DR: I wonder……….…….no I guess you're right.

GB: I still think it would fly. All we need is someone really dumb; willing to be abused and hated around the world; a narrow minded religious bigot; who looks as if he would kill thousands of people in the name of his God; and who only has the support of a tiny minority of his people.

There must be someone around who fits that description don'tya think?

(DC and DR exchange meaningful glances)
DC: I think we'll leave it there for now guys. Same time tomorrow?

Zettel