Printed from WriteWords -

Rummy, DC and Good `Ole George

by  Zettel

Posted: Thursday, August 19, 2004
Word Count: 1201
Summary: White House Election Strategy Meeting

Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.

Rummy, DC and Good 'Ole George

Election strategy meeting. White House.
Present: Donald Rumsfeld (Rummy). Dick Cheney (DC). G W Bush (Porgy)

DC: 'kay. Let's get to it. We're up shit creek. I'd like a paddle.

DR: Objective: bury JFK.

GB: Jeez! Where's the body been all this time?

DC: Kerry, George - John F Kerry. Your opponent remember?

GB: I knew that DC. Just joshing.

DC: Porgy, why not cut the jokes. Just be yourself. That works fine.

DR: Strategy's easy: shaft the man; screw the wife; and use the war.

GB: Er…..I get the war thing but…..

DR: C'mon Porgy we've been through metaphor before - these are political not sexual.

GB: Jeez that's a relief. I really could only have managed two of the three.

DC: (Wearily) Can we get back to the point. There are national interests at stake here: $1.5 billion of Saudi investment for one. Good for the country and good for Halliburton. Plus there's those Iraq contracts we might lose.

GB: Tell me again DC: when….sorry if…we invade Sawdee d'ya think we'll get away with soaking up all the re-construction contracts? Dad's got a few contacts if we got some business to place.

DC: (testily) Of course, as long as you don't keep slipping Blair nice little deals.

GB: Aw c'mon DC he's a good guy. One of us.

DC: No George what's our saying……?

GB: Don't call me George DC, it shows you're mad at me. The saying…..? (ponders, scratches hair like Stan Laurel).

Got it! What's good for us is good for the US.

DR: Well done Porgy.

GB: Ya know guys, that's got such a ring to it I thought I might use it in the next state of the nation……

(the other two shout in unison)
DC: George! That's our little saying remember?

GB: OK guys. Shame though, it really sounds true and convincing. Except I'm still not sure we should use the same word twice.

DR: (impatiently)
For Christ's sake George. We've been through this so many……

DC: Leave it Rummy. That duck died long ago.

GB: Duck?

DC: S'okay Porgy. Let's move on.

GB: OK Dickie.

DC: (Wearily). Told you George. Don't call me that.

GB: Sorry DC. Forgot Washington.

DC: Pardon?

GB: Washington…Washington DC….geddit? That's how I remember.

DR: DC, sometimes I think there's more than one dead duck in town.

GB: Ducks again? C'mon guys let me in on the joke.

DC: Focus guys. This creek smells just as bad and I still don't see that paddle.

GB: I don't understand……….

(Shouting in unison)
DC/ George! Shuddup!

DC: How do we get JF…(looks at GB) Kerry and keep Porgy away from the TV debate?

GB: I can take him DC. You don't believe me but I'll cut him to smithereens.

DR: No. Too risky (looks meaningfully at DC)… say the least. We need something else.

GB: Gottit! How's about we play a round of golf: head to head! I'll murder the snotty east coast bastard.

DR: Porgy, we got a war, two if you count that other place….er….shit what was it called DC?

DC: Afghanistan Rummy.

DR: Oh yeah. I remember. Well Porgy we got these two wars already: either I-ran or Sawdee next; plus unemployment's up and the economy's a bit shaky.

GB: What's your point Rummy?

DR: Well George, with all this shit happening all around us, the voters might find your golf prowess…how can I put this nicely……of crap all interest you schmuck!

GB: Hey. Just remember who's president here fella.

DR: Yeah. Sorry POTUS. Just slipped out.

GB: POTUS… where….oh yeah - West Wing. Never mind Rummy - apology accepted.

DC: For fuck's sake guys. Think!…………… Kerry

DR Well we've rubbished all that hero crap. By the way DC: you had the bill for that yet? I need to bury it.
Anyway the guy does our work for us personality-wise, walks like he's got a flagpole up his ass and talks like it hurts.

GB: This is more like it. I love the cut and thrust of real political debate.

DC: OK, let's keep on at the hero thing. The mistress thing looks like a dead duck…

GB: There you go again with the ducks. C'mon guys let me in.

DC: It's just a saying Porgy…..So I say let's hit the wife.

GB: (Incredulous)
A contract! Jeez DC we'd never get away with it.

DC: (Ignores him. Carries on). How can we hit him through the wife?

GB: Can't be that hard. Christ the woman's not even got an American accent. And giving all that loot away……it's……un-American. The more you give the more they take. And she's a lippy smartass.

DC: George it may have passed you by, but half the electorate doesn't have an 'American' accent. And giving money away to people in need may be bad for them but a lot of voters are a bit sentimental and soft-headed about it.

DR: I'll get the guys on it. She can't track every buck. Some of that cash must have found its way to some pinko, liberal bullshit organisation.

DC: So what about the goddam war.

DR: Well I've set up some more national alerts. Polling shows it's working, about 50% say they're shit scared and at least another 25% just won't admit it. We've got the Brits on the case, 'Tone' wants his voters scared too, so he's set up similar deals.

DC: Maybe we should copy them and send a security booklet to every household in America.

DR: "Go in. Stay in. Tune in?" Send that message to the American people and half the population will be high within 10 minutes.

DC: We get a real alert and they will be anyway.

GB: Probably 75% in this administration.

(DC/DR look sharply at GB)
DC: You know George, just occasionally, you unsettle me. It's almost as if….No…couldn't be.

DR: Okay what else? I've got a couple of high profile raids lined up. We've known about them for ages so we can pick 'em up when we like. Just leaves Osama.

GB: Osama?

DR: Bin Laden Porgy. You remember.

GB: Of course I remember. You think I'm stupid? What about him?

DR: Well if we could get him or even fake just missing him that would nail the election for you.

GB: Rummy, Dickie…sorry DC, I've got it!. Jeez I'm a genius.

DR: Go on George…hit us.

GB: Well you remember that Saddam had loads and loads of doubles? Well what if we ………

DC: Don't even go there Porgy. The American people are pretty dumb but they ain't gonna fall for……..

DR: I wonder……….…….no I guess you're right.

GB: I still think it would fly. All we need is someone really dumb; willing to be abused and hated around the world; a narrow minded religious bigot; who looks as if he would kill thousands of people in the name of his God; and who only has the support of a tiny minority of his people.

There must be someone around who fits that description don'tya think?

(DC and DR exchange meaningful glances)
DC: I think we'll leave it there for now guys. Same time tomorrow?