New series: standing book reviews

Introducing a new series, in which we review books based on a cursory 2-minute perusal in the classic, furtive ‘standing’ position on the bookshop premises.

Parents were being warned last night not to approach a new bestseller that has had SAS hard man Andy McNab weeping from four completely separate orifices. The latest Health and Safety Executive advice is that exposure to Maria Housden's Hannah’s Gift may be possible, but only under controlled conditions while wearing specialised protective equipment and in a thermally controlled anaerobic chamber.

Before entry to the bookshop, please ensure you are wearing face and neck shields, with particle-ground safety glasses. No open-toed shoes or sandals are to be worn and appropriate gloves must be used on contact with the book. Wear tight-fitting clothing - and on no account whatsoever attempt to read the last four pages.

Tomorrow: a new series in which we review Welsh jazz music whilst rolled-up in an asbestos carpet.