Dog parasols and canopies. Hundreds available. Also interesting business franchise, urgent and immediate sale required.

Nintendo games: Schoolyard Slaughter, Roadrage VI, Mall Assassin, Chainsaw Convent, Baby Bloodbath, Beast of Beirut, for sale, or rental for around 16 years (or fewer pending appeal), also flat, girlfriend, CDs.

Man with roof tiles up arse would like to meet doctor, surgeon, nurse or similar.

Pointing specialist, I will point wherever you like - at the pub, maybe at a favourite aunty, Land's End a specialty, cost-effective, £12.

Lost on Saturday, ladies’ gold watch, possibly in Wickes DIY, or B&Q, or possibly Cemetery Road, or at home, reward: ladies’ gold watch.

Lay-Zee-Boy car, pulls over abruptly and opens a beer when it thinks it’s done enough, lethal, hence bargain £2.

Wind, air with attitude, kiss goodbye to calm days, available bagged or wild, can deliver.

Girl called Megan, would like to marry man called Chips or Bacon, for big laughs.

Tommy Hilfiger blouson jacket, also cheap gold jewellery, flick-knife, half a rusty car (can be seen in garden not working), fantastic range of entitlements, also savage dog and kids. Ask for details.

Chinook-helicopter-and-trampoline haircut game, precision sport at its best, reluctant sale due to cranial surgery, only £4.

Self-igniting cufflinks, hassle-free style with only half the effort, wave goodbye to costly Bic lighters, matches etc., £4

Monopoly game, Twaddington-Penge edition, ideal for coffee breaks, idle moments, short attention spans, £12.