Ron Poltergeist
Deputy Assistant Trainee Director of International Relations (Acting)
Audiville Borough Council

Dear Ronnie

You will be aware of Audiville’s relatively low level of literacy. Local folk – pleasant, kind, affable, bighearted, insensible people – have trouble with their own names, and their IQs tend to begin with a decimal point. So why did the tourism committee decide to twin Audiville with a place called Székesfehérver?

The council should be aware that enunciating this name has become a pub sport, alongside bar billiards, pool, darts, bear-baiting, dominos and international cricket. Unofficial local champion is Teddy Fragments, an 88-year-old, thrifty, workshy chicken-sifter who managed to pronounce 11 of the 47 consonants within the allotted 13-hour timeframe, though not in the correct order, and not without horrific bloodshed. Teddy’s record is also subject to an inquiry following possible dental irregularities.

Yours etc.