Who the hell invented the tortoise? And more importantly, why? I’ve heard it said that they do have a purpose, in that their shells can be fashioned into decorative items designed to turn heads, and plectrums. But tortoises can live for 500 years, so before said shells can be put to such uses, turning heads will have long since lost its appeal and guitar lessons will be nothing but a distant memory. Ten generations on, someone will come across the word ‘guitar’ and ask those within hearing range, ‘What’s a guitar?’ Baffled, they’ll look at each other, pause, then chorus nervously, ‘No Idea, Mate.’ All that bewilderment will be the tortoises’ fault.  
 
What’s more, tortoises have no predators, and they’re not predatory because they can’t catch anything, so they have no ecological value. They’re inedible, and you can’t back them in a race; at least not unless you’re prepared to wait for months to get the result. And don’t give me that nonsense about the tortoise and the hare. From Derby, a hare can be in Birmingham and on its way back before the tortoise has reached the front gate. They make appalling pets; they just sit there, and fifty years on, they haven’t yet learned their name. 
 
They don’t have lips and stuff like a proper animal, they have a beak. Why? They’re not birds.  I’ll tell you why, so they can bite your finger end off when you try to hand feed them lettuce.  Why try to hand feed them lettuce, you might ask. Because if you just put it down in front of them, they tread it into the ground then crap on it.
 
In summary, they’re simply a ridiculous waste of space.
 
Advice – pets are good for kids, but when young Mavis asks for a pet, get her a kitten, a puppy, a hamster, a gerbil or, for minimal maintenance, a goldfish. But please delete the incomprehensible tortoise from your list of possibilities. Ignore this advise and you’ll regret it. Trust me, I speak from years of experience.
 
Footnote
 
Please be aware that If you decide to choose a goldfish from my suggestion list, whilst they are truly low maintenance, they also tend to die quite quickly, so the joy of the purchase may soon turn to tragedy for poor Mavis. But if you still favour the goldfish option, don’t win one in a small plastic bag from a fairground stall because it will almost certainly have arrived at goldfish heaven before you reach home. That would completely devastate Mavis, possibly encouraging her to favour a tortoise on the grounds that they never die.