Chained up little Girl.


Synopsis. You only really miss what you've lost once it's gone, apparently. This is the story of a couple bound up by economical laws, one of them breaks free to indulge his passions and naturally they drift apart.


Characters: Neil - (London)
Amy- (London)
Lou- (Scots)
Jeanetta- (American)
Minor Characters:
Waiter
Kelly
Rob



FX Music, 'I Will Survive.' by Gloria Gaynor

FADE

FADE UP

Neil
I will survive, as long as I know how to love I know I will survive...hey, hey. Say that again. I've been in love with Amy for five years now, well I think I'm in love, I love her and we live together and sleep together and occasionally even have sex....together... of course. She's a great girl, we go on holidays to Greece, Tenerife even went to Mexico once. She's got a good job, well paid, she's a copy writer for a recruitment agency, nice and steady. The opposite of me if you like. I used to work with her, same business and all but I got bored, fed up, there's got to be more to life than writing 'Senior level PA's sought for corporate Head office in Finance..blah, blah, blah, tosh, tosh, tosh.' I left, now I'm a stand up comedian, moderately successful, getting there, I'll have me own telly series one day, I'm only er...thirty...three.

FX Lights cigarette.


Things aren't going too well on the old home front, Amy wants me to be more mature .

(Conspiratorial) I think, she's got to that age women get to, when they start going all soppy over babies and comparing home furnishings and kitchen tiles with their mates. She's even gone off me physically, well it's not down to me, I've never had any bother in that department. Personally, I think she works too hard, she's always tired, never wants to experiment anymore. She used to be up for anything, Oh well, things change as they say.

FADE

FADE UP

FX Soothing new age music.

Life coach, Jeanetta.
Make a list: Reassess your life, redefine success, set new goals, overcome obstacles, change your life long habits, build confidence, and let your self esteem soar! Now go and look in the mirror, ideally a full length mirror, take off all your clothes and gaze at yourself, longingly, that's the real you, start loving yourself now!

FADE

FX TELLY IN BACKGROUND. WONKY FOOTSTEPS GOING UPSTAIRS. KEY FIDGETING IN LOCK.

Neil
(Drunk) Amy....Amy! (Hiccups) Door won't open.

FX ANGRY FOOTSTEPS THROUGH HALL. DOOR OPENS.

Amy
Ssh! It's 4.0 'clock in the morning !

Neil
Best time of day, gis a kiss.

Amy
Get off, sshh, ergh you stink, leave me alone will you.


Neil
Amy you're beautiful, go out with me?

Amy
Neil we live together.

Neil
No I mean , let's go out, now...to a club or somewhere.

Amy
Oh just go and gargle some mouthwash Neil, some of us have got to get up in the morning and go to work.

Neil
I've had a fantastic gig Ames, brilliant, I was really cooking.

Amy
Go to bed.

Neil
Hey come on, the other guys have all gone for a drink, I could have gone with them, but I said no. No, I'm going home to my baby.
(hiccups)

FX DOOR SLAMS.

Neil
Amy! Oh Amy, oho, she's gone. what's on the telly?

FX Telly switches on to late night show.

FADE

FX PHONE DIALLING AND RINGING. ANSWERED.

Amy
Hi, it's Amy Cook.

Jeanetta
Hello Amy, how is everything your end dear?



Amy
Great...um no, rubbish. Oh Jeanetta I could really do with some life coaching.

Jeanetta
Of course you could, we all could, but stop worrying, I am always here, now I do have your credit card details don't I?

Amy
Yes...all of them.


Jeanetta
Wonderful, now Amy did you do what I told you to do in our last session?

Amy
I tried, I did look at myself in the mirror but I had to keep my clothes on, I'm that kind of girl. But I did look into my eyes.


Jeanetta
Wonderful, and what did you see?


Amy
Well at first I thought it might be the start of a nasty conjunctivitis virus but it turned out I'm just allergic to my new mascara, that's me, forever searching for longer lashes.

Jeanetta
I could recommend L'oreal but I do know from experience that eyelashes won't make you happy Amy.

Amy
Sorry, I was joking, badly, it's Neil, living with a comedian is rubbing off on me.







Jeanetta
Remember Amy, you are a sailing ship , we all are and we must always steer ourselves through the oceans of life certain we have the emotional navigation skills to keep us on course.

Amy
Really?

Jeanetta
Yes, if we are going in the wrong direction and sailing against the tide we will never ever reach that harmonious state of being I like to call life. We are ships, yes and our destination is a never-ending journey to fulfilment.

Amy
Right.

Jeanetta
I am your life coach now Amy, you must do everything I tell you or this won't work and you will be wasting your money, are you prepared to change your life?

Amy
I think so.

Jeanetta
Try and be more positive Amy, I can't coach indifference.

Amy
Yes. (Softly)

Jeanetta
Can't hear you.

Amy
I said yes, I am.

Jeanetta
Good, wonderful, now for this next task, life changing - you will require an A4 pad, a large note book, an A4 folder, some scissors and glue and a selection of coloured crayons.

Amy
Blimey, this is like Blue Peter.


Jeanetta
Amy, there is a time and a place for glibness and when you're ready I'll tell you where and when it is.

Amy
Of course.

Jeanetta
First Amy, which area of your life do you want to actively improve?

Amy
Well....


Jeanetta
I'll tell you - here are your options...Health, spirituality, career, finances, family, social life or a personal relationship. (Echoey effect)

Amy
The last one, please help me fix my boyfriend.

Jeanetta
Easy peasy, now if you'll just make notes.....

FADE

FADE UP

FX BANGING ABOUT IN KITCHEN


Neil
What's going on? (groans) it's like trench warfare in here.

Amy
Get in the shower Neil, we're going out.



Neil
It's 8' clock on a Saturday morning, where is there to go?

Amy
We are going to IKEA.

Neil
What? Why?

Amy
I think it's about time we redecorated.

Neil
Ikea? You must be joking. No way, Ikea?...Do you know what Ikea says about you as an individual?

Amy
You tell me.

Neil
It says, look at me..look at my tastefully furnished home, I have no style, no imagination and no bleeding clue what to do with any room in my home. For Gods sake Amy, they even sell a flat pack house, that's an architectural disgrace, a house that comes in a box and you've got to assemble it yourself, it took me a whole bank holiday weekend to get that shelf up in the living room, life's too short darling, IKEA, I, Kan't be Effing Botherd and I'm too hungover.

Amy
Serves you right and that spells IKBEA.

Neil
You're no fun anymore.

Amy
I haven't changed Neil, not one bit.

Neil
Oh right, sorry, yes, you're right it's all my fault always is.



Amy
I don't want a new house, I just want things to look and feel different, we are going to behave like every other normal couple in Greater London and go to Ikea, ok?


FX Can of lager opens

Amy
What are you doing?

Neil
Having breakfast.

Amy
Who drinks lager for breakfast? I'm sick of it Neil, it's like you're having a some sort of second childhood here.

Neil
Can't see it, I mean where's me Kerplunk set? Me Mousetrap game, all me sister's one legged Barbies courtesy of moi. There's something really satisfying about pulling the legs off a Barbies, better than a daddy long legs any day.

Amy
Oh grow up, you're driving me mad.. You sleep away the best part of the day, then when you do wake up you play on that damned Nintendo for hours on end, then go down the pub to work as you call it and come back here completely hammered, I can't stand it anymore Neil.

Neil
It's a Playstation, Oh come on Ames, I'm just a bloke , sorry.

Amy
You're a moron Neil.

Neil
Oh charming light of my life. I'm the one with the freedom darling, I'm not chained to corporate management. I'm not interested in your save - as - you- earn share option plans, your product discounts and pension schemes , I'm not committed to meeting exacting deadlines, I can't function in a highly pressured environment , I have absolutely no negotiation skills and the notion of recruiting other poor buggers to the whole sad bloody workforce fills me with shame.

Amy
My job pays the rent don't forget.


Neil
That's what all this is about, you resent me cause I'm doing what I want to do with my life. Face it Amy, you're bored out of your skull in that bloody job.

Amy
It's a means to an end. I want kids Neil, one day I want a family house full of family is that so much to ask?

Neil
That's right, conform to the masses notion of normal, you always do.

Amy
Are you suggesting that I'm boring? I'm not boring, I've had my nose pierced.

Neil
I know, but you don't wear a nose stud, how is anyone supposed to know, up close it looks like a chicken pox scar.

Amy
It does not, and what about that time we went to Glastonbury, eh, what about that?

Neil
We didn't go to the festival, we went to an IT Recruitment conference and we stayed in a Best Western .

Amy
Alright, I'm a responsible person, I admit it, is that a crime, one of us has got to earn a decent living around here. Life isn't just about telling stupid jokes and making a room full of drunks laugh.



Neil
Don't belittle my profession, I'm a very accomplished stand up comedian, with a nice line in wry observations and prat falls.

Amy
Well it just so happens that I like my job too.


Neil
No you don't you hate it. I know you do, sitting around all day writing crappy recruitment ads, Oh dear what's today's heady assignment, No, not a Firmware Developer wanted for a world wide building management system. You'll need a degree in Software engineering, computer science or equivalent . You'll be a team player with no mind of your own and show willingness to lick the bosses ass when required. You could write them in your sleep Amy.


FX ECHOEY VOICE OF JEANETTA.
Reassess your life, redefine success, change your habits.

REPEATS.

FADE

Amy
Neil, I've been talking to someone and they've convinced me that things need to change.

NEIL
Oh let me guess, your horrible mate Antonia, don't listen to that old sow she's always had it in for me.


Amy
No she hasn't, she just said she found your stage persona puerile, grotesque and distinctly unfunny, doesn't mean she doesn't like you as a person.





Neil
She's a dentist Amy, her idea of a good laugh is a root canal without an anaesthetic, you need some new friends Amy, people with a sense of humour.


Amy
I've appointed a life coach Neil and from now on with her help I'm going to be happy.


Neil
A what?


Amy
It was Antonia's idea. A life coach, her name is Jeanetta and she coaches people who can't manage on their own, people who keep repeating their mistakes and so end up going around and around in circles because they can't find their way out of the room. She guides them, helps them see the error of their ways and achieve lasting happiness. She's worked miracles with Antonia.


Neil
This is a wind up.

Amy
No, it's not.

Neil
A life coach, Antonia? Do me a favour, you'll be happy the day you quit that boring job and write that novel you're always banging on about. I'll support you.


Amy
You haven't got any money.

Neil
Emotionally I meant.

Amy
I'm not ready to give up work yet.

Neil
But my earnings are picking up, I can ask for a onner these days at most gigs.

Amy
It's not enough Neil.


Neil
I know, I know,I'm worth at least twice more.

Amy
No, I mean, oh sit down Neil, stop pacing about like a caged animal.

FX Neil sits on sofa.

Neil
Come on then Amy, give it to me straight, what do you mean? I'm not taking any temping work if that's what you're still on about, if I go back to the office that'll be the end of my career, I told you before, you can't do both, the two worlds aren't compatible.

Amy
No, I'm not suggesting you do. (Sighs) I don't think we've got enough going for us anymore, that's what I meant.

Neil
What?

Amy
We don't talk anymore, we've got nothing to say to each other, we both want different things out of life.


Neil
Ames, are you saying what I think you're saying?

Amy
Yes.



Neil
What, go on say it.

Amy
I think we should have a trial separation, I need to stand on my own two feet Neil, I'm sick of you standing on them,.

Neil
But why? Just because I don't like Ikea?

Amy
No, it's the whole deal, why can't you have an ordinary, normal job?

Neil
It's genetic, apparently back in the middle ages one of my ancestors was a human public convenience, true, they didn't have bogs in them days, he used to wear a big cloak and carry a pail, he'd wrap the punter up in the cloak for privacy like, then give them the bucket to sit on, now don't tell me that's normal.

Amy
You just don't care do you?


Neil
Ames, I love you.

Amy
We have to do this Neil, I know it's for the best.

Neil
You'll regret this Amy Cook, I'm a diamond me, and you don't get a second chance with a diamond, if they don't cut the glass the first time they won't do it again.

Amy
Neil, if they don't cut glass the first time, they weren't real diamonds.

FX ' I will survive'.

FADE

FADE UP

Neil
So that was that, the love of my life kicked me out of my own home. Well ok, her home but we both shared it and I did my bit, I paid any bills I could afford and I never ever scraped burnt toast into the sink. But apparently that wasn't enough. Oh no. I'm now staying with a mate. Lou Mclintoch, you may have heard of her. She's a very successful female comic, hails from Glasgow, spiky bleached blonde hair, size 14 and chain smokes roll ups. She's a good laugh,can drink a bloke under the table. She's single too, reckons she scares men off and she could have something there. I'm kipping in her brothers room while he's away, the flat's only about a mile from our old place, correction Amy's own private little world. Lou and I keep the same sort of hours, we understand each other, we both like kebabs at three in the morning and warm Guinness for breakfast. and best of all, I don't fancy her , not one little bit.


FADE

FX MUSIC

Lou
A what?

Neil
A life coach.

Lou
What, like a tennis coach wee thingy?

Neil
Exactly, a racket.

Lou
And a load of old balls.

Neil
She's given me all this old toot about time management and sailing ships and what was it? Oh her motivational bank account,setting goals and processing problems and getting rid of friends who might be delaying her progress.



Lou
Sounds like she's gone bonkers, she's at that difficult age you get with women, the old body clock tick tocking away, that's all they can hear. (She intones like a clock) Baby...baby....baby.

Neil
I love her Lou, I always will but I can't be this geezer she wants, it's not me.

Lou
Why don't the two of you just have a little breather from each other, just to get everything into perspective.

Neil
We are, a trial separation, just what my old man said before he disappeared for good, "Just popping down o the Natural History Museum to observe some now extinct mammal embryos in formaldehyde, won't be long, put me dinner on." and that was that.


Lou
Lucky you, sounds like a right nutter. Look if you want my advice you'll do as she says, you can stay here for a wee while, you're not that far away from her, you could meet for dates, get to know each other all over again, might be a blessing.


FX PLATE ON TABLE


Neil
What's that?


Lou
Baked beans and spaghetti hoops in pitta bread with mayonnaise, lovely want a bevy?

FX OPENS CAN OF LAGER



Neil
Ta, thing I'm unclear on is how long are we meant to stay separated for exactly?


Lou
However long it takes.




Neil
I don't know, I mean right now we're both a bit confused, well I am, she's bloody pissed off, so the anger should last... knowing Amy, about a month, followed by a sort of grieving period where she'll be depressed and wanting to call me but her smelly friend Antonia will be telling her she shouldn't and her bleeding life coach will be telling her to go forward and sail to the horizon and live for today and say good-bye to yesterday , and not drop anchor in rocky harbours and always listen to the shipping forecast and any other old tosh she can think of. Then in about three months from now, when the dust has settled she'll feel all free and confident, she'll have new furniture from Ikea and a new duvet, she'll give the flat a complete makeover, chuck out all my Blues' Brothers posters and my Laurel and Hardy figurines, then it'll be another few weeks and she'll start seeing someone else and getting all lovey dovey and serious and planning weddings.....my God Lou, I've got about six months to stop her marrying a man she hasn't even met yet.


Lou
What are you going on about?


Neil
I love her Lou, and I've got to get her back and I will get her back cheers Lou , I feel so much better, I've got six months, six whole months, six months to be myself, have fun again, laugh, get drunk, sleep in on the weekends, go clubbing, chat up other women without feeling guilty, eat takeaways in bed, (Sighs) did I say just six months?

FADE


FADE UP


FX New age music.

Amy
I can't get over how quiet it is round here. I know Neil slept most of the day and was out most evenings but when he was up and about he made one hell of a racket. I almost miss the noise, Neil coming in drunk and tripping over the umbrellas in the hall, Neil pulling out the cutlery drawer with too much force in the middle of the night and dropping knives and forks all over the kitchen floor. Neil falling out of bed and knocking his cup of tea everywhere. Neil playing his music all hours and rehearsing his stupid jokes in front of the mirror. Neil, trying to wake me up in the middle of the night when he was drunk after a gig , wanting to make love and tell me how special I was, Neil talking rubbish over and over again. Well he's gone, not far granted but not here. I've kept myself to myself really, I certainly haven't been out with any men, that's the last thing I want. Antonia tried to fix me up with a dentist friend of hers, but I said no., I wouldn't feel comfortable eating in front of him, I'd be constantly reaching for my floss, besides, I don't think I'm really ready to start another relationship, Jeanetta says....


FX Jeanetta. (Echoey voice)
Instead of spending your life searching for the perfect man, why not try and become the man you want to marry. You can always rely on yourself, you'll always be there for yourself, if you make an arrangement with yourself you can count on yourself turning up. You don't have to spend lonely nights waiting for that phone call, you can always talk to yourself.

Amy
And I think she has a point...I guess.

Jeanetta (Echoey)
Sometimes all you require is the right change and If you want to make changes in your life you have to create the space to do it, clear space mentally and physically, chuck out the chintz, if you like people it follows they will like you. Actively seek out people and transform them into the perfect friends for you. Plan social get togethers , join in community events, accept more invitations, have a laugh.

FX Comedy club atmos. End of Lou's set.

Lou
I got to thinking wouldn't it be awful if you were a serial killer and you went and got caught on your first murder, a career down the drain.I'm fascinated by serial killers, I'd like to live next door to one, mind you I live in Holloway so I probably do. Imagine living next door to that Fred & Rosemary West for all those years, and being interviewed by the police, Oh they was very nice, very quiet, never heard anybody leaving.
I'm not mad, I mean I'd never marry a serial killer, no no no, I'm not like those women who write love letters to them then eventually marry them in the prison chapel. I mean God, here's a guy whose in jail for possibly murdering 4 wives, 8 girlfriends and 12 other women he'd never even met before and there's some poor woman writing to him thinking, hey, this is the guy for me. I've been out with some real losers in the past, they've have been unfaithful, stood me up, ripped me off, but this man's kind of steady, and I know where he lives.

FX Applause.

FADE

Lou
Amy! I didn't know you were in.

Amy
Yeah, it was great, well done.

Lou
Lets get a drink.

FX Bar atmos

Amy
So, how is he?




Lou
You mean the emotionally retarded loser with an ego the size of Brazil?

Amy
He told you I said that?

Lou
Yeah, he seemed quite proud, said he might put it on his C.V. He's alright, seems to be any rate.

Amy
Good, how long is staying with you?

Lou
Don't know, my brothers away for a few months, he's doing VSO in West Africa so he can have his room till you sort yourselves out.

Amy
I am sorted out Lou. It's over, I don't want to be with him anymore.

Lou
You don't mean that.

Amy
I do, I feel like a great burden has been lifted from my shoulders, the whole time together I felt like I was carrying him on my back.

Lou
He ain't heavy he's my lover.

Amy
Well he was bloody heavy, and now I feel fantastic, I'm free.

Lou
He's gutted Amy, he really misses you girl.




Amy
Does he, so what I don't care, we'll just have to get on with our lives separately, honestly Lou I think you're a saint, haven't any of his disgusting habits put you off yet?

Lou
I hardly notice. But then I have got three brothers so the word disgusting has very vivid connotations for me.

Amy
Is he working tonight?

Lou
Yeah, he's gigging in Birmingham, some college I think, he's staying the night. Hey I'm starving shall we get a take away and go back to mine, I've got a bottle of wine somewhere?

Amy
Oh no, really I better not.

Lou
Neil's not there I told you he won't be back tonight, come on, I'm bored on me own, everyone else is in a relationship and you make me feel normal.

Amy
Ok, it's a date.

FADE

FADE UP

FX Comedy club atmos.

Neil
I've just split up with my girlfriend.

FX audience sympathises.

I don't want your sympathy, well alright if you insist. They say Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, if that's the case what are we all doing living on earth? But women are different, they go into public toilets and start conversations with complete strangers, intimate chats about episiotomy scars and ingrown toe nails. Blokes don't do that, we'd get arrested. My old girlfriend was addicted to housework, she loved it, she used to say, that cleaning out the oven with Mr Muscle was better than sex with me.

FX Laughter

Cut to.

FX Door opens.

Amy
(Gasps)

Lou
What is it?

Amy
Er....Nothing.

Lou
It's the mess isn't it? Sorry Amy, I forgot you were obsessive about cleanliness.

Amy
I'm not obsessive.

Lou
Neil says you even wash the soap before you use it.

Amy
It can collect dirt and become a breeding ground for bacteria. Oh for heavens sakes, I haven't got a problem, this place is fine.

Lou
Take a seat um..just shove that lot over, I'll get some plates.

FX Kitchen banging about.

Amy
Ugh!

Lou
I'll just find us a drink.

FX Fridge opens, Lou sniffs bottle.


Lou
Whoops, sorry the wine's gone off, it's got that awful smell what makes your eyes water, really rank, have a lager instead.

FX Can opens.

Amy
Cheers.

Lou
I'll get the food.

FX More banging about.

Lou
Oh no, (Shouts) Do you mind having it from the carton, I can't find a clean plate.

Amy
(Exasperated) I'll do it, please just let me do it.

FADE

FADE UP

Neil
She was so girlie and wet, terrified of creepy crawlies, even lady birds, 'Oh Neil, Neil, there's an ant in next doors garden, Oh do something please....

Cut to:

Lou
Mm, that was gorgeous, Ooh I love me Indian food. (Burps)

Amy
(Terrified) Lou, what is in that tank?

Lou
What?


Amy
Over there, on the shelf, the tank with all the branches in it.


Lou
Oh me babies, come on.

Amy
No don't touch it, what are they?

Lou
Oh no, I forgot you've got a phobia of small beasties haven't you? You really are a mess girl. Don't worry they're only stick insects.

Amy
No!

Lou
They won't hurt, here have a feel, they tickle your arms when they run all over you.

Amy
Get them away, ergh.

Lou
They're me brother Campbell's, but I'm very fond of them. He's a nutter is our Campbell, insect mad, you name it he's had it, millipedes, centipedes, Giant spinys, scorpions..lovely pets, and several species of spider.

Amy
No, stop!

Lou
He can never keep a girlfriend, given the choice between a Wetapunga grasshopper and a woman he'd go for the grasshopper everytime.

Amy
Are there any more in here?


Lou
No, he didn't trust me to look after the rest, they're at me mums, poor cow, he's mad, he chucked his wife cause she preferred going out to restaurants and night clubs and playing squash down the local sports centre where as he was quite happy staying in and feeding day old crickets to his tarantulas.

Amy
At least he managed to get married, he must have something going for him.

Lou
Yeah, centipedes in the cutlery drawer, preying mantis's in the toast rack, you can't move for bloody bugs. It were obvious it was going to end in disaster at the wedding, other grooms wear a carnation in their button hole don't they, not our Campbell, he's got a caterpillar sticking out of his. After the priest had pronounced them man and wife he leant over to kiss the bride and the bleeding thing crawled down her bodice. Charming, get ready for a romantic wedding night, strip off and there's caterpillar poo all down your cleavage.


Cut to:

FX Comedy club atmos

Neil
And she had the most appalling taste in music, she'd only ever listen to songs by whinging women about whinging women whinging, you know the sort? (Sings, 'I will survive'.) At first I was afraid I was petrified, knew that I could only live with you by my side.....

Cut to.

FX Music blaring. 'I will Survive'. by Gloria Gaynor

FADE




Amy
That was great but I really I best be off Lou, thanks for dinner it was fun.

Lou
It's getting late Amy, why don't you just kip in Neil's room, he won't be back.

Amy
No I better go.

Lou
You can't walk home at this hour, it's too close to get a mini cab so you'd just be really embarrassed and give the driver a stupid tip and it would all end in tears, you can't borrow my bike cause it's been nicked so I really think your only option is Neil's bed, go on, I know for a fact the sheets a clean, I did his laundry.

Amy
He's not go you picking up after him has he?

Lou
I was doing mine it really was no bother, go on, I'll put the kettle on and bring you in a cuppa.

Amy
Oh alright, sod it, it'll be relief to sleep in his bed in the knowledge that he won't be joining me.

Lou
Deal.

FADE

FADE Up

FX Dreamy harp like music.



Jeanetta
Become the man you want to marry, become the man you want to marry.

Amy
(Sighs) Neil, Oh Neil, Neil. (Gasps in horror as she wakes up).
My God! What a nightmare. Must use the loo.

FX Stumbling about in dark. Footsteps, door opens and closes.

FX Key in latch. Giggling drunken male and female voices trying to whisper.

Neil
Ssh, you'll wake up me flatmate.

Clare
(Giggles) I can't see a thing.

Neil
Give us a kiss darling.

FX Sloppy kiss.

Clare
Where's your room?

Neil
Down the hall.

FX Zip undone.

Clare
Lets go then.

FX Lavatory flushes.

Clare
Someone's there.

Neil
Don't worry , that'll be Lou, ssh, wait till she goes back to bed.

FX Toilet door opens, footsteps down hall, door closes.

Neil
There coast's clear. Come on .

FX Stumbling footsteps down hall, accompanied by giggles and kissing.

Neil
Mm, here we are, gateway to paradise.

FX Door opens. The amorous couple leap onto bed giggling and shrieking

Amy
(Screams)

FX Light on.

Amy
Get off me!

Neil
Amy! What are you doing...

Amy
You bastard!

Clare
Whose she?

Amy
Who am I? Who the hell are you?

Neil
Amy...I can explain....

Amy
Forget it Neil, it's none of my business, I'm going.

Neil
Amy come back,.

Clare
Let her go if she wants to.



Neil
Amy wait.....


Lou
What's all the shouting about? Neil?

Clare
Now whose this one? You've got a bloody harem on the go.

FX Amy runs out of flat slamming door.

Neil
Amy come back...

Lou
You don't half pick your moments big boy.

FADE

FADE UP
Lou
Are you going to call her?

Neil
Why should I?

Lou
Well it's been nearly six months, I thought you had a deadline.

Neil
Yeah well, perhaps I'm happy.

Lou
Oh right, I hear she's going out with some chap from work.



Neil
Yeah? So what.

Lou
I saw the pair of them in Sainsburys, he had his arm around her and she was laughing.

Neil
I told you Lou, I'm not interested.

Lou
If you say so.

Neil
I do.

Lou
Fancy a sausage and marmalade sandwich?

Neil
Wouldn't say no, cheers.

FADE

FADE UP


Neil
Well six months came and went and we still didn't get back together. I sort of got used to my freedom if you know what I mean. It's been over two years since Amy and I split up. I've survived, in fact I'm doing brilliantly as it happens, things couldn't be better. I'm still single and I like it that way.

FX Cafe atmos

Neil
Amy, over here.

Amy
Neil, hi, how are you?

Neil
Brilliant, wow you look...fantastic.

Amy
I Think you mean enormous.


Neil
When's it...er...due?

Amy
I've got another six weeks, can't wait I feel like an elephant.

Neil
You look gorgeous, blooming.

Amy
Oh stop, you look great, I like the beard.

Neil
Yeah, I'm not sure about it yet , my producer suggested it.

Amy
I saw your show last week, it was really good, you were very funny, even Antonia liked it.

Neil
Yeah? Well I must have cracked the big time then. No, I'm very happy, it's only a quiz show but it's a job and I've got a lot of other projects in the pipeline, as they say. How's Bob.


Amy
Rob. Great, he sends his regards. He's on the board of directors now.

Neil
That's brilliant, well done Rob, hey, hey.


FX High heels approaching.



Kelly
Neil, hi.

FX Two celebrity Kisses.

Neil
Kelly, babe, how's it going?

Kelly
Fantastic, yeah, great night last week we must do it again.

Neil
Yeah, sure.....

Kelly
Hi.

Amy
I'm Amy.

Kelly
Kelly, oh wow you're pregnant that's so cool.

Neil
Um this is Amy Cook , we er...used to know each other.

Kelly
Cool, so wow, you're going to have a baby huh?

Amy
I certainly hope so.

Kelly
I mean you're not just fat are you?


Amy
No, it's all baby.

FX Mobile phone trills



Kelly
Sorry got to go, catch you later sweetie. Bye , good luck and everything.

FX High heels totter off.

Amy
New girlfriend?

Neil
Kelly? God no, I mean, well we've had a bit of fun, she works for my PR company, nice girl.


Amy
I'm sure, so want to order?

Neil
Yeah.

FX Mobile phone rings.

Neil
Er..excuse me, Neil Baxter...what? You're kidding...

FADE


FADE UP

Neil
Amy I'm really sorry about that, sorry, sorry, sorry, right, I'm all yours.


Fan
Excuse me, are you Neil Baxter?

Neil
Might be.



Fan
I knew it. Can I have your autograph please?

Neil
Sure.

FX Writing

Neil
There you go.

Fan
Cheers.


Amy
Fans eh? Just like you always wanted.

Neil
Comes with the territory and I ain't complaining.


Amy
We're getting married after the baby's born.

Neil
What?

Amy
We're getting married.

Neil
But...um...isn't that a bit sudden?


Amy
Neil, I'm expecting his baby.


Neil
I know, but...marriage?


Amy
It's what people do when they start a family, not always granted, but we intend to.


Neil
I mean, of course congratulations.

Amy
Well we'd planned to anyway.

Neil
Really? So you gave up on becoming the man you wanted to marry eh?

Amy
Well, I thought I'd look better in a wedding gown than a tux.

Neil
I agree. I'm pleased for you I really am.

Amy
Rob and I are very happy.

Neil
Am I invited to this wedding, I could do a few minutes if you like, free of charge of course.


Amy
It's not really going to be a big deal, just a registry office and a few friends.

Neil
Well great, give me the date.


Amy
You really want to come?

Neil
Yeah?

Amy
October 15th.


Neil
October? Er..sorry, I'm in LA, what do you want, I'll make sure you've got it.

Amy
I'll let you know.

Neil
So, you still on cosy terms with the old life coach?

Amy
No, don't need her anymore, I stopped repeating my mistakes.

Neil
Is that so.

Amy
Look Neil, you and I...we just wanted different things in life.

Neil
I know, you don't still have a problem do you, I mean...well, it's all water under the bridge, isn't it?

Amy
What do you mean a problem? I thought we were friends.

Neil
We are, I just wanted to make sure you didn't you know...have any feelings.

Amy
Neil, I'm having another man's baby, I'm engaged to be married to him, are you suggesting I'm still carrying a torch for you?

Neil
No, of course not. You've made that obvious, you were the one that broke up with me remember?

Amy
Are you seeing anyone?

Neil
No, well no one seriously, you know..keeping my options open as they say.

Amy
How's Lou?


Neil
She's great, yeah, she's thinking of moving to Brighton, can't think why, guess she's in love, I've heard it happens.

Amy
Give her my best.


Neil
I will, she sends her love. Said when the big moment comes give a great big push for her.

Amy
Sounds like Lou.


Waiter
Good afternoon, are you ready to order?

Amy
Are we?


FX Mobile phone rings.

Neil
Excuse me....Hello

FADE

Neil
Um..yeah..er...no..we're going to leave it.

Waiter
Certainly sir.


Neil
Look ..I'm sorry Amy...I've got an interview, my agent just reminded me, I'm late already I'm really sorry...how about another time?



Amy
Look at him, he's so different, a whole new Neil, I hardly know him anymore.

Neil
So, great to see you, good luck and everything, let us know when the big event happens.


Amy
We will, people are staring at us, I better get out of here before the papers say you're about to become a father.

Neil
Yeah, you never know, huh. Take care Ames.

Amy
Good-bye Neil.

FX Kiss. Footsteps fade in the distance.

Neil
Bye.

Kelly
Neil, come and join us for a drink?


Neil
Yeah, ok, save me a seat. So there she goes, little miss normal.

FADE

FADE Up.

FX Television.

Neil on TV.
I hate that song 'I will survive'. not because it's a feisty feminist anthem about the emancipation of a woman in a repressive relationship, no because the lyrics are really stupid,'so you're back from out of space,' huh, who was that woman going out with? Neil Armstrong, Major Tom, the entire crew from Mir space station?

FX Laughter

Rob
I can't believe you two were ever together?


FX Baby cries.


Amy
Neither can I, but we were.


FX 'I will Survive'. (I'm not that chained up little girl I used to be...etc....)


The end.