I'm a nice person. The sort of person who helps people. Helps old ladies across the street, that sort of thing. I see a bird with a broken wing, I'll nurse it back to health, feed it with a syringe. Never come across a bird with a broken wing, and I don't know where I would get a syringe,but that's definitely what I'd do if I had the chance. Your local neighbourhood good guy. Local hero, that's me.

Don't have much else to do, on account of I'm on the dole. I try to tell them all the good I do, when I go in for my 'capability for work' interview. They don't seem to put much store by good deeds though. I asked them, haven't you heard of the big society then? That's me, I said, big society man. Just like David Cameron says. He's not the prime minister any more, they said, it's Theresa May now, big society's buggered off, it's a sharing society instead, whatever that means. Get yourself a job or we'll stop your money.

So I had to stop doing good deeds for a while, apply for jobs I'm never going to get. Did get one interview, for a job in Debenhams, down in the loading bay. The man that interviewed me told the jobcentre people I came across as 'strange'. Well, I thought he was strange, when it came to it. Told him, too. With all his rules, wear this, turn up at this time, precisely, have your lunch at this time, precisely, for precisely half an hour. I told him, man can't live like that, you need to be free. Eat when you're hungry. Sleep when you're tired. Get up when you're rested. Can't disrupt the pattern. He didn't get it. I didn't get the job.

So then they said I did it on purpose, and they're going to stop my money. What can I do? Just keep on being myself I guess. Help people. Tried to help this old lady yesterday. Didn't work out too well. She had four big plastic shopping bags, it was raining. I asked her, you want a hand, she says no thank you, then started walking a bit faster. One of her bags split open, all these oranges and stuff fell out. The oranges rolled down the pavement, some ended up in the gutter. I gathered everything up, put it back in the split bag, took another bag off her, said I think I better help you after all. She didn't have much choice after that. Problem was, she lived about two miles away, and it all seemed to be uphill. So when we got to her house I was soaked, and tired, and cold, and not in the best of moods. She offered me a cup of tea, old people do that, don't they, they seem to think tea's the cure for everything. That a rich tea bloody biscuit.

I don't drink tea. I like pepsi, but she didn't have any, not in any of her heavy bloody bags. They were full of rubbish things, toilet roll, mince, potatoes, that sort of nonsense. I could feel one of my heads coming on, then I got that blinding pain, right behind my eyes, and I let out a kind of a shout. I do that sometimes. Can't help it, don't even know I'm doing it really. The old lady, she got a bit of a fright, then started hitting me, with a wooden spoon thing. We were in the kitchen, see. I tried to protect myself.

So the next thing I know, the kitchen's full of big bloody policemen, and I'm getting pummelled, properly thumped by them. When they lifted me up I saw the old lady was on her back, on the floor, and she wasn't moving. Her clothes was all rumpled up and she had this kind of shocked look on her face. The coppers asked me why I'd killed her, and done all sorts of other things that I hadn't. I told them I'd just helped her home with her shopping. They said you have, you killed her, called me a bastard. A right villain, one of them said. They put me in a van and brought me here, to the Police Station. The policeman that brought me my dinner told me I'd better get used to it, cause I'm going to be in here for a very long time.

At least I don't need to worry about getting a job. Wonder if there's anyone in here I can do good deeds for?