Sunday 14th October

From: Mindfulness
Sent: xx/xx/xxxx
To: E________
Subject: Your invitation: Mindful Eating Research Study

ADVERT

I am contacting you to invite you to take part in our research project which will begin shortly. We are looking for people aged between 18 and 60 years who are interested in learning more about mindfulness and their relationship with food.

So I may have begun something pretty random even for me. I opened up my e-mail account a few days ago to find the above intriguing message sitting there waiting for me. As I read each line I became intrigued, although it wasn’t until reading the last line that I removed my finger from the delete button. Being a penniless student who would like to invest in something that is sold in any shop other than Primark, Aldi or Pound Land I was an immediate recruit. Attached to the e-mail was some literature detailing what type of a commitment this ‘innovative research project’ would be, looking back if I had known I probably still would have signed up for the money. After all it could be interesting I told myself, you may learn how to cut out your obsession with bread based products and become a salad loving yoga instructor who exudes only calm serenity.

Once I had replied I received a short communication asking me to attend an induction session on Sunday afternoon, as weekends are always a struggle financially I thought, why not, it’s a free activity to fill my time with instead of studying; and it sounded beneficial in more ways than one.

As I am sitting here eating my pizza writing my reflection of this Sunday afternoons activities I can’t help but get a sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach; the realisation hits that I have just signed myself up to six weeks of hell. I think I should probably explain…

Being a student at the university I was able to gain access to the building where the meeting was being held without issue. I hadn’t really thought about what to expect I just kept dreaming about the FCUK dress I had drooled over in the shop window before making my way over to the meeting; the shop attendant actually gave me the finger as I walked away, it wasn’t my fault I left saliva and finger prints on the glass which they then had to clean, they shouldn’t make the fucking window displays so god dam tempting!

Anyway back to the point, as I made my way to the meeting room I encountered no one, which was not surprising considering it was a Sunday and the university was closed, but still I couldn’t help but get the willies as it reminded me of a scene from some post-apocalyptic film where all were dead bar me and the cannibals. Trying not to read too much in to it I made a hasty dash for the main campus building and made my way to room 1.06. On opening the door I was greeted by a friendly looking man, who admittedly was grinning inanely. I would even go as far as to say he was grinning too much and there was a hint of the devil in his eyes… ok maybe a bit dramatic but you get the idea, as they say it’s always the nice ones you need to watch and this man was very very ‘nice’!...

In the minutes that followed we came to a mutual understanding that he may stare and smile at me all he wanted but he must: A. not approach me under any circumstances, B. Touching was definitely out of the question and C. I was sitting as far away from him as possible.
Unfortunately point C was not very helpful as it placed me directly opposite him in the circle making the staring much more evident. Luckily others started to arrive, well women arrived, which didn’t immediately strike me as odd.

Once we were all seated Mr Nice but sinister gave his opening address:

‘Welcome one and all, my name is Hans and I would like to begin by saying thank you for coming, it is clear to me that you all seem to be receptive to new things and I hope that over the next few weeks you will be open minded and leave your judgement and stress at the door. You all must be wondering what this project is all about, the team has chosen to share as little with you as possible about the research side of things to keep you, shall we say, un-bias.’ The look in his eyes when he finished his speech could only be described as having a glint of menace; that coupled with the grin, I expected him to start rubbing his hands together in glee at any moment.

Now be honest and tell me who would listen to that and not just go ‘fuck I am in a cult recruitment group’. It would explain the empty building and the suspect character leading the whole shebang, I was afraid of leaving as these people now had my details. I knew the score, I have seen all the documentaries on polygamy and Mormons and I wasn’t falling for that male supremacy shit!

Putting my imagination to one side I tuned back in to reality only for a realisation to strike me. Mr nice but sinister asked people in the circle to introduce themselves and state why they had been interested in the project. After the first few it was pretty obvious that they were mainly women with seriously low self-esteem and insecurities about their bodies. They were basically looking for the next diet fad and were praying this one would work. Being someone who had never felt the need to or tried dieting I was pretty shocked when one of the women with watery eyes uttered…‘This is my last chance; I have tried everything else…’ I was so shocked that before I knew it time had passed and it was my turn, the room had gone quiet and the group was staring at me wondering why I was here… shit.

‘Hi, my name is Elizabeth and… I wanted to see what this is all about..’ the looks of confusion made me panic so I added add ‘obviously I am an emotional eater who needs help’. This statement seemed to placate the majority who turned their collective attention back to their leader (future prophet).

As time passed I found myself blocking out the majority of the sob stories and imagining myself in that beautiful FCUK creation, meaning I missed the whole point of the session. Bits where I had to listen included group work where we were given two raisins and rather than eat them we were asked to do the following:

NOTE TO READER: Whilst reading this please try and imagine whale music in the background.

‘Now close your eyes and let yourself float away…(LONG PAUSE) if a thought comes in to your head acknowledge it and let it go… (LONGER PAUSE) Do not let yourself dwell on things that do not matter in the present’ this relaxation exercise, if you can call it that, lasted about ten minutes. Within that time I realised I had an itchy ass, my bra was digging in and I really wanted to eat pizza, oh and leave, I mainly just wanted to get as far away from these people as possible. I did peek a few times and discovered that I was the only one not taking this seriously. I’m obviously just not the brainwashing kind.

He continued ‘Now open your eyes and relax. I hope you are all feeling rejuvenated and receptive… (LONG PAUSE)’ I think that was meant to be a rhetorical question?! ‘Please open your hands and observe the object there’ By this he meant the raisins, he refused to give them a label, fuck knows why but I think this is the least important part of this story so I will let it go and continue.

‘Look at the object and notice it, think about what you feel when you look at it;
Sometime later
‘Now roll the object between finger and thumb, feel it and note what you feel when you feel it’
Sometime later again
‘Now place the object next to your ear and listen to it, again I want you to think about how this makes you feel’
I think you know where I am going with this
‘When ready place the object in your mouth and taste, not swallow, just taste it and note your feelings, try not to judge yourself or the object.’

I just swallowed the fucker and thought very strongly that the grinning bastard had a very special place reserved for him in hell.

By this point we were nearly at the end of the session and I had reached my bullshit threshold so I made my excuses and left, I was nearly home free when I heard the lunatic call after me…

‘We shall see you next week Elizabeth, after all non-attendance means no reward’ hint hint me thinks; I must have ‘desperately seeking money’ tattooed to my forehead.

What a complete and utter scrotum.