NOT SO CHEEP!   ©

Anthony Payne was a Major,
retiring to  live in  the town
But the hustle bustle and traffic noise
was really getting him down. 

He dreamed of life in the country, 
not too far from the coast
And one morning his prayers were answered 
when a letter arrived in the post.

‘Ewe Bean Done Solicitors,’ 
wrote of an Uncle, long forgotten
The Major astonished to learn 
he’d died and left him his Bottom.

Well, Happy Bottom to be precise,
an estate in the vale of the Piddle
The Major brimmed with excitement 
trusting it wasn’t a fiddle. 

Next day in his old Bentley,
he drove to Dimple on Piddle
Musing a view along the way
that country folk were a bit simple.

Major Payne studied at Oxford,
when life was never more  pleasant
But would he be able to  hack it
with ‘Jam and Jerusalem’ peasants?

The town of Dimple looked festive, 
bright bunting adorned the Square
The Major arriving  on time 
to officially meet with the Mayor.  

The Mayor announced to a large crowd, 
their patience beginning to wane
“ Now Derry Ayres Happy Bottom...”, 
“... is safe in the hands of A. Payne.”

The Major was warmly welcomed  
and though not a man of great wit
Hoped he wouldn’t be labeled
a grumpy and toffee nosed ... man.
 
He went with a posse of Dimpletons 
to see his idyllic new home
But found little more than a ruin
and its garden was all overgrown.

Hardly a rose covered cottage 
but what was the Major to do?
It would take a big helping of TLC
to make the place modern and new.

Thumbing through Dimple’s Directory, 
for a builder he hoped would be cheap
He made a good many enquiries 
but none to his budget could keep.

Finally, his searching proved fruitful 
and without any  further ado,
Closing his eyes and using a pin
he picked, from the list of a few: 

Wally & Son
Creative, Spectacular 
award winning designer
of  cheep houses.... 
No job too small............
Tel. Peckcorn 666999


He liked the idea of a ‘cheap’ house 
but not the fact Wally couldn't spell
Decided though, not to inform him
as he mightn't  take it too well. 

The Major considered his options, 
imagined the home of his dreams
But when he met Wally on site 
all was not as it seemed. 

Wally offered to send plans, 
drawings of what he could build
But the Major told him, ‘Don’t bother, 
I hear you’re the best in this field.’ 

The Major returned to the town, 
to prepare for his new way of life
And thinking of country cooking
considered the need for a wife.

Finally, the building was ready, 
the ‘cheep house’  admired by all
But the minute  the Major saw it 
his pride was in for a fall!

‘Well, do yeh like it?’ asked Wally,  
satisfied all was complete 
But the Major, boiling in blood 
thought words he dare not repeat. 

‘Like it?’  he thought. ‘Can’t live in it. 
Wouldn’t put a dog in it, that’s for sure
By golly, wouldn’t put a gran in it 
who’s been dead forty years or more.’ 

‘Anything wrong?’asked  Wally 
‘Noticed somethin’ I’ve missed?’
Major Payne inspected the building
and drew up the following list:

His house:

shed built on a pile of stone 
with no electric wires or phone
no pipes 
no plumbing 
no shower 
no bath
no warm fire with polished hearth.

kitchen? No
not a cupboard or drawer
no ceramic tiles to cover the floor
no standing room to clear his head
not even the  room to put a bed
shutters : no glass, just wouldn’t do
but worst of all - the outside loo.

Poor Major Payne was embarrassed
and as the crowd trampled his Bottom
Wally went back to his van
to collect the gift he'd forgotten.

Handing the Major a clucking sack, 
‘Two cheepies,’ he said with a grin
‘Cheep ... means ....  chicken’,  twigged the Major 
wanting a hole to crawl in. 

So humbled, to swallow his pride, 
he felt  a right nincompoop
when presented with ‘Roosters Folly’
a Wally designed  ... chicken coop!