MAJOR PAYNE IN HAPPY BOTTOM

(Happy Bottom and the River Piddle are both in Dorset).

NOT SO CHEEP! ©

Major Anthony Payne served in the army
retiring to live in the town
But the hustle bustle and traffic noise
was really getting him down.

He dreamed of life in the country
not too far from the coast
And one morning his prayers were answered,
when a letter arrived in the post.

Ewe Bean Done & Co solicitors
wrote of an Uncle, he’d long forgotten
The Major astonished to learn,
he’d died and left him his Bottom.

Well, Happy Bottom, to be precise
an estate in the vale of the Piddle
The Major brimmed with excitement
hoping it wasn’t a fiddle.

The next day in his old Bentley,
he drove to the small town of Dimple
Pondering along the way ...
why are all country folk simple?’

He had a Degree from Oxford,
about which he wasn’t that vocal
But would he be able to hack it
with a bunch of swede bashing yocals?

The town of Dimple looked festive,
bright bunting adorned the Square
The Major arriving on time
for an appointment to meet with the Mayor.

The Mayor addressing a large crowd,
their patience beginning to wane
“Derry Ayres Happy Bottom...”, he told them, “
“... is now in the hands of A. Payne.”

Everyone cheered and applauded,
the day had finally come
All pleased to meet the Major
if not a pain in the ... neck?

A street party was held in his honour
it was like the festival of Swoon
For the Major itching to see his Bottom
it couldn’t end a minute too soon.

The Mayor and a party of Dimpletons
took the Major to view his new home
But Happy Bottom was a disappointment
and its garden was all overgrown.

Hardly a rose covered cottage
the Major didn’t know what to do
‘Well, maybe,’ he thought, ‘ a little TLC,
will have the place brand spanking new?’

He thumbed through the Dimple Directory,
for a builder he thought would be cheap
But most were far too expensive
with prices right out of his reach.

Eventually, his searching proved fruitful
there were a couple he thought that might do
And after further deliberation,
he picked the best of the two:

Wally & Son
Creative, Spectacular
award winning designer
of cheep houses....
No job too small............
Tel. Peckcorn 666999

He liked the idea of a ‘cheap’ house,
but not the fact Wally couldn't spell
decided though, not to inform him
as he mightn't take it too well.

Major Payne considered his options
planning the home of his dreams
But when he met Wally on site
all was not as it seemed.

Wally suggested he send plans
drawings of what he would build
But the Major said, “Don’t bother.
I hear you’re the best in this field.”

The Major returned to his home
to prepare for his new way of life
And with thoughts of country cooking
considered the need for a wife!

Finally, all was ready
cheep house admired by all
But the minute the Major saw it
his pride was in for a fall!

“Well, do yeh like it?” said Wally
satisfied all was complete
But the Major, boiling in his own blood
thought only words he dare not repeat.

‘Like it?’ he thought, ‘I couldn’t live in it.
Wouldn’t put a dog in it, that was for sure.
By golly, I wouldn’t put my granny in it
and she’s been dead forty years or more!’

“Anything wrong?” asked Wally?
“Have you noted something I’ve missed?”
Major Payne inspected the building,
and drew up the following list :


He’d bricked up the door
Put holes in the floor
As for the light?
You could star gaze at night.
The fireplace had no fire
Electric sockets, no wire
The kitchen had no sink
The water you couldn’t drink.
The floorboards were too short
The doors were too narrow
The stairs, far too steep
And the bath was too shallow.
The sliding door wouldn’t slide
Windows were few
Cupboards had no sides
And it didn’t have a loo !

Then adding insult to injury
as everyone crawled over his Bottom
Wally went back to his van
collecting what he had forgotten.

Handing the Major a clucking sack,
“Two cheepies,” he said with a grin
‘Cheep’ ,,, means.... chicken’, twigged the Major
wanting a hole to crawl in.

The Major was humiliated
voice little more than a mumble
And deep down in his pipe work
he felt an embarrassing rumble.

Humbled, to swallow his pride
he felt a right nincompoop
When Wally presented the key
to his new and unique chicken coop!