Previous Memoirs of a bar steward enteries : http://www.writewords.org.uk/archive/23074.asp
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From: koopa@webworld.com
To: mr.jacobcox@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 11:01 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea

Alwright Cox Chops

Just a quicky email to see how ur first night in da pub went?

K. O’SHEA




From: mr.jacobcox@webworld.com
To: koopa@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 11.35 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea

Hello Koopa

Thank you for your previous e-message. You will be glad to learn that my first night was a magnificent success. We had to open up early because of the queue of locals waiting to get in. We stayed rammed all night and my people just didn’t want to leave when I rung the bell for last orders. I must confess that I didn’t get to pull too many pints because clients kept taking me aside to tell me how fantastic the pub was now that I have taken over (and also the ladies were more interested in me pulling them, wink wink ;-).

Please do let the rest of the family in Brum know that we are all very happy here in Torquay and that we are doing fabulously.

Jacob




From: koopa@webworld.com
To: mr.jacobcox@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 11:42 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea

Fee Fi Fo Thumb. I smellz da BULLSHIT! of an Englishbum, coz Milla sent me sum emails earlier and he tells me about a completely different movie. I’ll forward’em onto ya.. Have a looky at’em

K. O’SHEA





From: Supa.Cox@webworld.com
To: koopa@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 10:28 AM
Subject: Coxman ere

Yo Koopa Cuz

Torquay is wicked man. You shud see the tits on the sticks. The birds ere are well fit and PROPER E Z!!!! I’ve just had to kick one outta me bed of dirty luvvv. Though I did the gentleman thing and let her stay for breakfast (I gave her a double portion of YES! Protein special)

Hope the sun is still shining brightly on the O’SHEA Empire. Catch ya latta

Cox MASTER




From: koopa@webworld.com
To: Supa.Cox@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 10:32 AM
Subject: RE: Coxman ere

Alwright Milla

Sounds tip top. I’ll defo come down and crash with you some time soon. How woz da first night in de new crib then?

K. O’SHEA




From: Supa.Cox@webworld.com
To: koopa@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 10:35 AM
Subject: RE: RE: Coxman ere

The pub is shocka mate! Gaycob doesn’t have a Scooby-doo what he’s doing. We had fuck all people in the pub, except for loads of staff who spent the night beating up J (a good night in the end then).

I think I’m gonna have to step in and help brown fingers out because I don’t wanna come back to Brum just yet. It wouldn’t be fair on the birds down here, I’ve gotta give’em all a fair chance of a go don’t I.

Right, I’ve got some serious sleeping to catch up on. Another big night ahead of me! Me luv-gun got some hussies in a barrel to shoot.

Catch u latta man.

Cox MASTER




From: mr.jacobcox@webworld.com
To: koopa@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 12.20 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea

Miller is a fecking LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is just jealous that I am in charge of a business that is going to bring me wealth, respect and Dolly birds by the barrel load and he is just gonna be my work bitch, standing around fingering his bum, for the rest of his sad little life. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is going down town, pretending to me? In order to pick up the little whores he probably pays for his 1 second fumbles!!!!

OH OH OH, BY THE WAY, that ‘woman’ he kicked out of his bed of dirty love (which IS dirty b’cos the amount of times he has pissed, shit and gotten sick on his one and only bed sheet and NOT put it in the wash is disgusting) was a MAN! No lie. He got ‘her’ from a gay bar!

Last night, after I DID wave off a conga line of locals, who left our establishment deliriously happy, I was all ready to go bed but the lads begged me to go out with them. They said they wanted to check out the nightclubs down town. I didn’t really see the point when we have the best place in Torquay but Clint and Miller insisted so I relented. It never hurts to spy on the competition. Curly stayed in though. He said he was worn out, knackered. HA. Lightweight! He wouldn’t know hard work if it smacked him in the face. Well I’ll soon see to that.

Anyway, if I was going into town, I wanted to look the bomb, so I told the lads that they shouldn’t wait for me and I would catch up with them. I eventually tracked them down in a harbourside club called Gladrags.

After a hard days work, I thought it was time to reap my rewards, but I’ll admit I did give myself a scare. I didn’t wanna find Clint or Miller straight away, because they would just cramp my style. I thought I’d find’em when I had a couple of bitches hanging off my arms, so I propped myself up at the bar, and went into PULL mode. I acted aloof, cool, like a cucumber. I checked out the room and looked for the juiciest rumps that I deserve (no slops for my dinner plate). When I found the honeys that my Bee wanted to sample, I gave them my best come to bed stare but NOTHING! In fact one girl came up to me, all in me face, asking what the hell I was looking at. I said an angel (all slick like) but before I could finish my line I swear she was gonna punch me, but her offensively ugly friend pulled her away and had the nerve to call me a weirdo, when they were the ones coming up to me acting all violent.

I should have clicked then, but as you can imagine, I was worn out from doing all the work in the pub earlier. I finally realized that something was up when I changed tactics and decided just to introduce myself to some girls and told’em that I was the new licensee of the Royal Ships in Babbacombe. I didn’t want to do that originally because I would have had less respect when they threw themselves at me but not a dicky bird of interest. As the last dyke turned her back on me laughing, it finally dawned on me. Muff munchers.

It must have been a gay bar. Only women who REALLY hate men, would be able to resist a man of my status now. I should have clicked straight away but I didn’t (Glad = happy and an old word for happy is Gay). There weren’t any signs saying what sort of place it was but after so many rejections, it’s obvious. Phew. Lol. However, in hindsight I am appalled. The club is obviously trying to trick fit young men like me in. Surely that’s illegal. I could have got bummed in the toilets!

Just a little earlier in the night I must admit that I was a wee bit jealous when I saw Clint throwing some shapes on the dance floor with two blonde stunners all over him. I also saw Miller getting it on with a right ginger minger. At first I couldn’t understand it. I did the look, the pose, the talk, and Clint did none of that and pulled loads. However, once I had my moment of clarity, I raced over to save Clint (fuck Miller) from the winky fiddlers, but he wasn’t having any of it. That’s the evil of drink for you and that is why you’ll never see me embarrassing myself, I’m 100% teetotal. I’m just a dealer of the nectar poison. I don’t need alcohol to have a good time.

So Miller and Clint pulled a couple of guys. HA HA HA HA HA

I couldn’t sleep in my room though because the pair were ‘entertaining’ in their adjacent beds. Unfortunately I ended up kipping at the foot of me Mom and Dads bed, but it was better than getting some stray shit in me eye.

Hope that puts the record straight!

Jacob




From: koopa@webworld.com
To: mr.jacobcox@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 12: 32 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea

Cox head

Soundz like u had an interesting night, I’ll have ta give Milla a bell and find out what he’s playing at!

Milla said your staff are disrespecting you. You didn’t comment. You can’t be aving that. No fookin way! You gunna av ta man up! You need to handle ya staff like a strict parent. Bring out the naughty stick. A broom with 6 inch nails through the top of it is my favourite. Smack’em a few times when they play up and they’ll soon behave. Oh but you have to threaten to smack their folks too if they run crying to the law. OR do u want me to come down and deal with’em?

K. O’SHEA




From: mr.jacobcox@webworld.com
To: koopa@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 12.20 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea

Koopa

Thank you for your concern but it isn’t needed. Once more Miller is lying. Me and the boys on the door got along great. Again, Miller was jealous. Me and the door staff had a good laugh at Millers expense. If any of them dare have the balls of steel to even give me an off look, I’d soon slap’em down to size.

Don’t bother ringing Miller up about any of the things that I have told you, he’ll just lie his head off as usual. Also, don’t ring Clint, it would just embarrass him.

I’ve gotta shoot now, me Dad's called an emergency meeting for some reason.

Be good.

Jacob