The Very Merry Widow and her Miserable Daughter



Jean (On Phone)
Hello Gail, just calling to wish you many happy returns, forty eh, the big one, well you better keep it quiet when you come to visit, I've told everyone up here I'm 54, don't want you giving the game away. How are you celebrating?

Gail
Oh we're not going to any bother, Philip has to work late and the kids have got gastro enteritis, so we're cracking open a bottle of Spumante and I'm doing some pasta.


Jean
Oh I'll never forget my big 4 0. Your father took me to Paris and we stayed in a fabulous little Pension on the banks of the Seine. Landmark birthdays are so important, occasions to punctuate your life and leave you with wonderful memories forever, remind me dear, what did you do on your 18th?


Gail
Well we booked the church hall for a disco, but on the day I was struck down with perontintus and spent the night in intensive care. You went ahead with the party; you said as you'd paid a non-refundable fifty pounds for the DJ you might as well get your moneys worth.

Jean
Oh I remember now, that was the night your little friend Penelope Cutler met that ghastly boy who ruined her life, twins, poor girl. I was watching one of those awful American talk shows on Sky the other day and it was all about daughters who beat up their mothers. Honestly, black and blue they were, hair pulled out in clumps, teeth smashed from their mouths and I thought, my goodness girls are so difficult .Now what did you do for your 21st?


Gail
I baby-sat for Penelope Cutler.


Jean
I hear she's a grandmother now, at least you can be grateful for that, see some people hear the word peritonitis and hear life threatening disease and others hear it and hear brilliant contraception. Hey ho. What about your 30th?

Gail
Went into labour with Henry. Spent all my birthday and the following day having contractions, you popped your head around the door and told me how much the midwives were enjoying the stripagram you'd booked.


Jean
Oh yes, Big Bendy Bertie, thirty pound call out and anything else at your own discretion. Oh well, happy birthday dear, did you get my present?

Gail
Yes I did.

Jean
Did you like it?

Gail
Oh come on mum, a box video set of the beginners guide to wife swapping, what sort of present is that for a forty year old woman, my Philip will be appalled.

Jean
Really, that's not the impression I got when I asked him what you might want.

Gail
What?


Jean
He seemed to think it would be ideal, anyway must dash, got my Pilates class bye.


Gail
(Exasperated grunt)


The End