WTF?
Episode 1
Written by
Scott Evans
Antony Evans
Lee Amott
Craig Bruzas
Anthony Maedup


SKETCH 1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSION DISORDER
INT: DOCTOR’S ROOM
DOCTOR:
I’m afraid your wife has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: it’s an irrational fear that compels her to turn every light switch on and off five times. Once she gets an idea into her head, no matter how absurd, she’s unable to stop the compulsion.
SHOCKED HUSBAND TURNS TO HIS WIFE.
WIFE:
It’s true.
WIFE BREAKS DOWN AND CRIES.
HUSBAND:
(TO DOCTOR) Can it be cured?
DOCTOR:
I am afraid not.
HUSBAND TURNS TO WIFE.
HUSBAND:
You know … if you don’t have sex with me five times a day, you’ll die.
WIFE STOPS CRYING AND LOOKS UP IN SHOCK.
HUSBAND:
And if there’s no anal ... (FROWNS)… the kids …
HUSBAND DRAWS FINGER ACROSS THROAT.
WIFE LOOKS STUNNED. THE DOCTOR LOOKS SHOCKED BUT SLOWLY RAISES TWO APPROVING THUMBS.
END SKETCH.

SKETCH 2. JUDGE KEV
INT: COURTROOM. THE ACCUSED, A HUGE AND HAIRY TATTOOED MAN, STANDS IN THE DOCK. HE SWEARS LOUDLY, THREATENING HIS GUARDS, AND TAUNTING THE GRIEVING RELATIVES OF HIS VICTIMS.
USHER:
Silence in court.
JUDGE KEV:
Mr Mark Hitall; the jury has found you guilty of five counts of murder, three counts of rape, including one of bestiality, plus the near death of Bob (PAUSE) the (ALMOST INAUDIBLY) Gimp
THE ACCUSED, SNARLING, LOOKS UNBOTHERED BY THE POSSIBLE SENTENCE.
JUDGE KEV:
I sentence you to … be ginger.
THE ACCUSED:
Noooo!
GRIEVING RELATIVES JUMP UP AND CHEER AS IF THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE SENTENCE. THE COURT APPLAUDS AS THE ACCUSED IS DRAGGED OFF, SCREAMING AND CRYING.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 3. THE ALMIGHTY FOOTBALL FAN
EXT: PARK. A FOOTBALL FAN IN A RED FOOTBALL SHIRT RUNS THROUGH A PARK, CHASED BY YOBS IN BLUE FOOTBALL SHIRTS. THE YOBS CARRY BATS AND KNIVES.
YOB 1:
United scum.
YOB 2:
Kill him.
THE CHASED MAN JUMPS OVER A HEDGE AND HIDES. HE’S LOST THE YOBS FOR A MOMENT BUT THEY HAVEN’T GIVEN UP LOOKING FOR HIM. THE MAN PUTS HIS HANDS TOGETHER AND PRAYS.
CHASED MAN:
God, help me please.
THERE’S A BLAST OF WHITE LIGHT AND A HUGE MAN, IN WHITE ROBES, WITH A WHITE BEARD STANDS BEFORE HIM.
CHASED MAN:
Oh God, thank you. You’ve come to save me.
THE MAN THROWS HIMSELF AT GOD’S FEET, BUT GOD KICKS HIM AWAY. THE MAN LOOKS UP IN SURPRISE. GOD RIPS OPEN HIS ROBES TO REVEAL A BLUE FOOTBALL SHIRT.
GOD:
You’re fucked, Sunshine. (TO RIVAL FANS) Hey, lads. He’s over here, lets get him!
END SKETCH.

SCENE 4. WHEELCHAIR CRASH PART 1
EXT: A BUSY ROAD. SHAKY HOME MOVIE VIDEO STYLE.
A CAMERA IS SWITCHED ON. INITIALLY IT POINTS AT THE PAVEMENT. WE HEAR SCREAMS FROM ONLOOKERS. OUR P.O.V LIFTS AND FOCUSES ON A MAN IN A WHEEL CHAIR WHO APPEARS TO BE DISTRESSED.
WHEELCHAIR MAN:
Help, help. I’m going to crash.
WE REVEAL THE WHEELCHAIR IS MOVING VERY SLOWLY TOWARDS A DISTANT TREE.
WHEELCHAIR MAN:
Oh God, I’m going to die.
THE CROWD SCREAMS AGAIN AND THE CAMERA MAN PANS TO PEOPLE HIDING THEIR FACES IN HORROR.
WOMAN:
Please, can’t anyone help him?
MAN:
It’s hopeless. He hasn’t got a chance.
THE RUNAWAY WHEEL CHAIR CONTINUES MOVING SLOWLY TOWARDS TREE, AS THE MAN WAVES HIS ARMS IN AN OTT MANNER.
PART ONE END.

SCENE 5. INAPPROPRIATE PLACES:
PLAIN CAPTION: INAPPROPRIATE PLACES TO BURY YOUR PET.
VOICE-OVER:
(FORMAL, PROFESSIONAL.) Inappropriate places to bury your pet.
FADE IN: A MAN IN A SUIT SITS AT HIS DESK IN AN OFFICE. HE TALKS ON THE PHONE.
MAN:
Just one moment please, Sir.
THE MAN PUTS THE CALL ON HOLD AND OPENS A DRAWER. THE DRAWER IS FULL OF SOIL AND HAS A SMALL TOMBSTONE SAYING: GERALD THE HAMSTER.
MAN:
Gerald!
AFTER BRIEF TEARS, THE MAN CLOSES THE DRAWER AND PICKS UP THE PHONE.
MAN:
Now, would you like the complete package or …
PLAIN CAPTION: 1) AT WORK
VOICE-OVER:
Number one: At work.

SCENE 6. IMAGINARY FRIEND - PART ONE
INT: BUS. WE SEE MIKE SAT ALONE ON A BUS. A CONDUCTOR APPROACHES.
MIKE:
Single to Highgate, please.
CONDUCTOR:
And what about him?
MIKE:
Who?
CONDUCTOR:
Your imaginary friend.
CONDUCTOR POINTS TO THE SEAT NEXT TO MIKE. MIKE IS STARTLED TO FIND A MAN SITTING THERE.
MIKE:
Who the Hell are you?
IMAGINERY FRIEND:
Mike, how could you be so cruel after all those childhood years we spent together?
CONDUCTOR:
So? You gonna pay up or what?
MIKE:
But? But?
INT: COURTROOM. A POLICEMAN GIVES EVIDENCE.
POLICEMAN:
At the scene, I found the defendant weeping uncontrollably; while his imaginary friend stood over the body of the conductor shouting: “I killed him, Mikey. Got him good, just like the old days, remember?”
GASPS IN COURT. MIKE LOWERS HIS HEAD. IMAGINARY FRIEND, SAT NEARBY, IS READING A NEWSPAPER WITH THE HEADLINE: HANG THE BASTARD.
END OF PART ONE: TO BE CONTINUED.

SCENE 7. CAR MECHANICS
INT: GARAGE. CUSTOMER ENTERS TO COLLECT HIS CAR.
CUSTOMER:
The white Astra done?
MECHANIC:
(HARDLY GLANCES UP FROM HIS NEWSPAPER DURING THE EXCHANGE) Yeah. 200 quid.
CUSTOMER PAYS THEN WAITS FOR A RESPONSE BEFORE HAVING TO PROMPT.
CUSTOMER:
So? My car?
MECHANIC:
Oh, we had it crushed. Yeah, the wheel bearing was a touch loose.
CUSTOMER:
But that's the reason I brought it in.
MECHANIC:
You did the wise thing, my son, the wise thing.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 8. WHEELCHAIR CRASH: PART TWO
AS SCREAMING MAN AND WHEELCHAIR TRUNDLE TOWARDS THE TREE, WE SEE A DISTANT PUPPY IS IN THE WAY.
WOMAN:
Oh, no. Someone save him.
VIDEOCAMERA MAN:
It’s too late. It’d be suicide.
WOMAN:
I can’t bear to look.
A MAN PUSHES TO THE FRONT.
HERO 1:
I’ll save him.
HERO 1 RUSHES INTO THE ROAD AND IS SUDDENLY HIT BY A PASSING CAR. ANOTHER MAN PUSHES FORWARD.
HERO 2:
Let me try.
HERO 2 CROSSES THE ROAD TO LOUD CHEERS BUT BEFORE HE REACHES THE PUPPY, HE TRIPS IN THE PATH OF THE WHEELCHAIR. EVERYONE INCLUDING HERO 2 SCREAMS.
VIDEO CAMERA MAN:
He’s done for.
WE SEE THE GULF BETWEEN WHEEL CHAIR, TREE, PUPPY, AND HERO 2. HERO 2 COWERS, AWAITING DOOM, AS THE PUPPY SAUNTERS OFF.
END PART 2.

SCENE 9. HOLLYWOOD V. REALITY – ALIEN INVASION
CAPTION: HOLLYWOOD VERSUS REALITY.
THE WHITE HOUSE: STARS AND STRIPES PLAYS. CAPTION: HOLLYWOOD. THE VIDEO IS VIBRANT SATURATED COLOURS.
US GENERAL:
President, aliens have landed in Central Park.
PRESIDENT:
Inform the air force. I want an immediate response.
CUT TO: DOWNING STREET: CAPTION: REALITY. DULL FLAT COLOURS.
UK GENERAL:
Prime Minister, aliens have landed in Hyde Park.
PRIME MINISTER:
Are they carrying fancy ray guns?
UK GENERAL:
‘Fraid so.
PRIME MINISTER:
How big?
PRIME MINSTER HOLDS HIS HANDS A FOOT APART. IN RESPONSE, THE GENERAL HOLDS HIS ABOUT THREE FEET APART.
PRIME MINISTER:
Shit
CUT TO: WHITE HOUSE.
US GENERAL:
It’s time for –
PRESIDENT:
Operation Kick Alien Ass?
US GENERAL NODS. THE PRESIDENT TEARS OFF HIS SHIRT TO SHOW ARNIE STYLE BODY. THEY HIGH-FIVE THEN COCK SHOTGUNS.
BOTH:
Let’s go.
CUT TO: DOWNING STREET.
UK GENERAL:
It’s time for –
PRIME MINISTER:
Operation Run the fuck away?
UK GENERAL NODS.
BOTH:
Let’s go.
CUT TO WHITE HOUSE: PRESIDENT STARES OUT THE WINDOW.
PRESIDENT:
General, what’s that crowd of people doing?
US GENERAL:
They’ve come to help, Sir. God bless them all.
CUT TO: DOWNING STREET. PRIME MINISTER PEERS OUT THE DOOR.
PRIME MINISTER:
General, what’s that crowd of people doing?
UK GENERAL:
Looting Dixons, Sir. God help us.
CUT TO: WHITE HOUSE.
PRESIDENT:
It’s time to kick some alien ass.
PRESIDENT SNAP LOADS A SHOTGUN.
CUT TO: DOWNING STREET.
PRIME MINISTER:
It’s time to kiss some alien arse.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 10. THE HOLY ANSWERS
INT: A CHURCH CONFESSION BOX. A MAN ENTERS AND KNEELS.
MAN:
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been two years since my last confession.
PRIEST:
Continue, my child.
MAN:
Father, I’ve entered into an unholy relationship with a person who isn’t my wife.
SCENE FADES OUT AND FADES IN AS MAN IS FINISHING HIS CONFESSION.
MAN:
And the gimp’s dog had to be put down.
PRIEST:
Oh, well … just a second, my child.
WE SEE THE PRIEST GOOGLING ON A LAPTOP FOR AN ANSWER TO GIVE THE MAN. THE SCENE FADES AS THE PRIEST SPEAKS:
PRIEST:
Ooh, apparently you can buy God’s forgiveness off Ebay.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 11. IT’S LIKE A ZOO IN HERE
EXT: ZOO. A FATHER AND YOUNG SON WATCH THE APES IN THE GORILLA ENCLOSURE.
SON:
(POINTING AT GORILLA) Look at that one, dad.
FATHER:
Yeah, I see it.
THEY CONTINUE TO WATCH.
FATHER:
Cor, they're a bit smelly aren't they?
GORILLA GARY:
Excuse me.
FATHER:
Pardon?
GORILLA GARY:
I said “Excuse me.”
FATHER:
You can talk?
GORILLA GARY:
Yes, I can hear too.
FATHER:
I, I can't believe it?
GORILLA GARY:
Never mind that, do you mind not calling me smelly. I'm with my kid as well.
FATHER:
I'm sorry, I didn't realise.
GORILLA GARY:
Well, just watch your mouth in future.
THE HUMAN FATHER AND SON EXIT.
GORILLA GARY:
Prick!
END SKETCH.

SCENE 12. WHEELCHAIR CRASH: PART 3
THE WHEELCHAIR CONTINUES TRUNDLING TOWARDS HERO 2 AS EVERYONE TAKES TURNS TO SCREAM.
END PART THREE.


SCENE 13. CENSOR’S BEEPS
DOCTOR’S OFFICE. PATIENT ENTERS.
DOCTOR:
And what seems to be the problem?
PATIENT
Well, it’s rather embarrassing.
DOCTOR:
Good, good, these are my favourite types. Something wrong in the old happy sacks?
PATIENT:
No. It’s really weird but every time I swear … I hear a loud fu (CENSOR’S BEEP) beep.
DOCTOR:
Whoa! Do that again.
PATIENT:
Every time I call someone a (BEEP) ing stupid (BEEP) t, I –
DOCTOR:
Yes, I heard you. I heard you.
PATIENT:
(BEEP)
DOCTOR:
Did you just swear at me?
PATIENT:
No, I said … um … thank goodness, for that.
DOCTOR:
Oh.
PATIENT:
(BEEP)
THE DOCTOR GLARES. HE PRESSES HIS BUZZER. A NURSE ENTERS.
DOCTOR:
Nurse, take a look at this. Every time he swears, there’s a loud beeping noise – the little (BEEP) faced (BEEP).
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SURPRISE.
NURSE:
Holy F (BEEP) ing Sh (BEEP), it’s contagious.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 14. JAMES SUPERSTAR
INT: STAGE. A CARER WHEELS JAMES ONSTAGE, BEFORE THREE JUDGES. JAMES IS COMPLETELY MOTIONLESS.
CARER:
This is James. His folks are dead and he’s a potato, thank you. Oh, and he’s always wanted to sing.
THE JUDGES WATCH. JAMES REMAINS SILENTLY BEFORE LETTING OUT A FEEBLE SQUEAK. THE JUDGES CLAP.
JUDGE:
Its three yeses. You’re through to the final.
CUT TO: THE TV FINAL. A VT CLIP SHOWS JAMES WITH THE SAME POSE AND EXPRESSION, SAT IN HIS CHAIR, NEXT TO HIS PARENTS’ GRAVE, IN HOSPITAL, LYING ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO HIS OVERTURNED WHEELCHAIR.
HIS CARER BRINGS HIM ONSTAGE.
CARER:
This is James. His folks are dead and he’s a potato, thank you. Oh, and he’s always wanted to sing.
DANCERS ENTER AND DANCE TO A HIGH ENERGY DRUM INTRO, ONE DANCER PUSHES JAMES BACK AND FORTH TO THE MUSIC AND THEN LIFTS JAMES’ ARM FOR THE BACKGROUND “OH, YEAH”S. THE BRIEF MUSIC ENDS. JAMES REMAINS SILENTLY BEFORE LETTING OUT A FEEBLE SQUEAK. JUDGES AND AUDIENCE STAND AND APPLAUD.
CUT TO: PRESENTER ONSTAGE WITH JAMES AND MARCIA, A PRETTY FEMALE VOCALIST.
PRESENTER:
Ay, it’s been a tough final but it’s now down to Marcia, tipped to be the next Catherine Jenkins, and James. And the winner is … Marcia.
MARCIA GOES WILD. SHE JUMPS UP AND DOWN AND THEN FLICKS V’S INTO JAMES’ UNRESPONSIVE FACE.
PRESENTER:
Only kidding. The winner is James.
MARCIA IS DEVASTATED. SHE PICKS UP A MIC STAND AND RUNS OVER TO HER PARENTS.
MARCIA:
I’d have won if you selfish bastards had killed yourselves, like I said.
MARCIA SWINGS THE MIC STAND AT HER FATHER. WE CUT BEFORE CONTACT IS MADE.
CUT TO: VARIOUS BIG BUDGET POP VIDEOS AND STILLS OF MAGAZINE COVERS, WITH JAMES IN THE SAME CLOTHES AND EXPRESSION. HEADLINE READS: HOW FAME CHANGED MY LIFE.
END SKETCH.


SCENE 15. ELEPHANT MAN 1
NOTE: USE HURT’S EXCELLENT PLEADING PATHETIC VOICING TO BUILD EMPATHY.
JOHN MERRICK PEERS INTO A MIRROR. HE’S BRUSHING SPRIGS OF CLUMPY HAIR.
MERRICK:
Just tease this piece down … down … perfect.
HE PULLS A TUFT ACROSS BULBOUS FOREHEAD AS IF TO COVER PART OF HIS FACE. HE SLAPS ON AFTER-SHAVE.
MERRICK:
I have trouble breathing if I lie on my back and I’ve an enlarged heart that prevents me from shuffling far so when those lovely people at Incapacity Benefit signed me off as fit to work, I thought I was going to have problems.
CUT TO: MERRICK IS WEARING A SUIT. HE’S DOING UP A TIE AS HE SPEAKS.
MERRICK:
I was naturally a mite anxious when my Job Seeker’s counsellor told me they’d found me a job. Wonderful people. (CLOSE TO TEARS) Wonderful.
HE PUTS TINY CAP ON TOP OF HIS HEAD.
MERRICK:
Cut myself shaving. Do you think they’ll notice?
HE LEANS CLOSE. HIS DISFIGURED MOUTH FILLS THE SCREEN. HE WHEEZES AND PUFFS. SPIT COVERS THE SCREEN.
MERRICK:
No? Good. It seems fussy, but first impressions count, you know.
MERRICK HOBBLES DOWN A STREET. AT EACH STEP, HIS CAP FALLS OFF. HE PICKS IT UP, PUTS IT ON HIS HEAD, AND STEPS FORWARD, REPEATING THE PROCESS.
CUT TO: MERRICK SPEAKS TO THE RECEPTIONIST IN AN OFFICE.
MERRICK:
You probably don’t remember me but I was here last week. Oh, you do. Wonderful. Wonderful. You must have such a good memory.
CUT TO: EXT: HOUSE. DOOR OPENS.
MERRICK:
Can I interest you in our new range of skincare products?
WOMAN SCREAMS AND DROPS TO KNEES.
MERRICK:
Is that a yes or a no?
END SKETCH.

SCENE 16. WHEELCHAIR CRASH: PART 4
THE WHEELCHAIR CONTINUES TRUNDLING TOWARDS HERO 2 AS EVERYONE TAKES TURNS TO SCREAM.
END PART FOUR.

SCENE 17. JOB INTERVIEW
INT: BEDROOM. A COUPLE ARE GETTING READY FOR BED. THE MAN LOOKS WORRIED.
WOMAN:
Still fretting about the interview, tomorrow?
MAN NODS.
WOMAN:
Oh I’m sure you’ll get the job but remember now; don’t go flirting with the office floozies when you do.
MAN:
(LAUGHS) Of course not, Dear.
WOMAN:
I’m serious.
MAN LAUGHS OFF HIS GIRLFRIEND’S REMARK AS AN INNOCENT QUIP.
CUT TO: MORNING, SAME ROOM. THE MAN SITS ON THE BED, STILL UNDRESSED, FRANTICALLY TRYING TO PULL A WEDDING RING OFF HIS FINGER. HIS HAND IS HELD IN FRONT OF HIS HYSTERICAL FACE. THE GIRLFRIEND IS SOBBING.
MAN:
Why? Why glue a wedding ring to my finger? Now my hands are stuck together, argh!
WOMAN:
I didn’t want any power-mad business woman thinking they could take advantage of you. The only sandwich you’re having is mine. Mine. Your lumpy balls are mine.
THE MAN CONTINUES TO PULL AT THE WEDDING RING.
MAN:
But we’re not even engaged. (NASTILY) And we’re never gonna get engaged.
WOMAN SOBS. MAN HOLDS UP A BLOODY HAND, MISSING HIS WEDDING RING FINGER, WHICH HIS OTHER HAND HOLDS. HE SCREAMS IN DELAYED HORROR AND SHAKES THE DISMEMBERED FINGER FREE. THE SUPER-GLUED FINGER LANDS IN HIS LAP. HE TRIES PICKING IT UP BUT FINDS IT’S STUCK TO HIS PENIS. HE SCREAMS AGAIN.
MAN:
Now it’s stuck to my…
WOMAN:
What? No one touches that. It’s mine, mine.
WOMAN GRABS AT HIS LAP AS THE SCENE FADES TO BLACK.
MAN:
Oh, Gawd. No!
RIP SOUND EFFECT.
CUT TO: OFFICE. THE WOMAN IS SAT ON A CHAIR, HOLDING THE UNCONSCIOUS MAN LIKE A VENTRILOQUIST’S DUMMY. A SWATHE OF BLOODIED BANDAGE IS WRAPPED AROUND HIS CROTCH. OPPOSITE IS A FEMALE INTERVIEWER.
INTERVIEWER:
Any experience with Linux?
WOMAN:
(EFFECTING A MAN’S VOICE) Yes, I mean no. Don’t hire me. I’m rubbish.
INTERVIEWER:
(SEEMING TO IGNORE THE GIRLFRIEND) Hmm, well you don’t have any of the experience you’ve claimed on your application. Can you tell me why we should hire you?
WOMAN:
(EFFECTING A MAN’S VOICE) Don’t hire me. I’m shit. I wet the bed. And I’m a crap shag.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 18. HIT AND RUN
EXT: ROAD. A MAN IN HIS TWENTIES RIDES HIS BIKE. A CAR PULLS OUT OFF A JUNCTION AND HITS HIM.
FADE TO: INT: HOSPITAL ROOM. SIMON WAKES UP IN A BED, MIMICKING 28 DAYS LATER WHEN THE CENTRAL CHARACTER WAKES IN A DESERTED HOSPITAL.
SIMON:
Hello? (PAUSE) Hello, is there anyone here?
HE HEARS A BANG AND MOANS ECHO DOWN EMPTY CORRIDORS.
SIMON:
Can anyone help me?
A HUNCHED FIGURE RUNS DOWN THE HALL. SIMON HAS A LOOK OF REALIZATION.
SIMON:
Oh my God, its just like 28 days later. Zombies have taken over, argh.
SIMON RIPS TUBES OUT OF HIS ARMS AND JUMPS OUT OF BED. THE HUNCHED MAN SLOWLY APPROACHES, GROANING. SIMON GRABS A METAL CHAIR AND WALLOPS THE MAN ON THE HEAD. THE MAN FALLS TO THE FLOOR.
SIMON:
Aim for the head, destroy the brain. Die, zombie scum.
SIMON BLOODILY BATTERS THE MAN, THEN ENTERS THE HALL TO FIND MORE STRANGE PEOPLE, GROANING AND ROAMING THE HALL EERILY. WITH A WAR CRY, SIMON RAGES DOWN THE HALL BASHING EVERYONE OVER THE HEAD. IT’S CARNAGE.
SIMON REACHES THE CORRIDOR’S END, DRIPPING IN BLOOD, AS A DOCTOR STEPS OUT OF A ROOM WITH A YOUNG GIRL. SIMON BASHES THE GIRL OVER THE HEAD.
DOCTOR:
My God, man, what are you doing?
SIMON:
Zombies, run for God sake.
DOCTOR:
What the hell are you talking about? The hospital was short of beds so we put you in a home for the disabled. Prat!
SIMON LOOKS AT HIS LIFELESS VICTIMS LYING ON THE FLOOR.
SIMON:
Ooops. My bad
END SKETCH.

SCENE 19. POLITICAL BROADCAST
CAPTION: A CONSERVATIVE PARTY BROADCAST.
WE SEE FIVE PRETTY GIRLS, 18-25. THEY CHATTER THEN CEASE SPEAKING AND TURN TO CAMERA.
MALE VOICE:
Ladies, men who vote for Labour have small dicks.
THE GIRLS ARE STARTLED BY THIS FACT.
MALE VOICE:
Vote Conservative.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 20. WHEELCHAIR CRASH: PART 5
THE WHEELCHAIR TRUNDLES TOWARDS A SCREAMING HERO 2.
HERO 2’S MOBILE RINGS. HE STOPS SCREAMING AND ANSWERS IT.
HERO 2:
Son? What’s up? The warden’s given me a ticket? But I only pulled over a minute ago.
HERO 2 RISES AND RUNS OUT OF SHOT. FADE IN AND OUT.
CAPTION: 5 MINUTES LATER
HERO 2 RETURNS, RIPPING UP A PARKING TICKET. HE LIES BACK DOWN. EVERYONE SCREAMS. THE WHEEL CHAIR VERY SLOWLY TOUCHES HIM. THE CAMERA MAN MOVES THE VIDEO CAMERA AWAY QUICKLY. THE CROWD ARE SPLATTERED WITH BLOOD. SCREAMS.
END PART FIVE.

SCENE 21. VIRGIL
INT: NIGHTCLUB. VIRGIL SITS AT A TABLE, LOOKING MISERABLE. SURROUNDED BY COUPLES, HE SIGHS SADLY, BUT PERKS UP AS AN ATTRACTIVE LADY APPROACHES.
WOMAN:
(FLIRTATIOUS) Hi, it’s a good night, isn’t it?
VIRGIL IS EXCITED BY HER INTEREST AND MOVES CLOSER BUT SUDDENLY DEVELOPS A NOTICABLE ERECTION. THE BULGE IN HIS PANTS MOVES AND SPEAKS.
PENIS:
Not for me, I’m plastered in genital warts.
DISGUSTED, THE WOMAN WALKS AWAY.
VIRGIL:
No, please don't go!
PENIS:
(SHOUTS) Take pity on him, Love, he’s still a virgin.
THE WOMAN EXITS. VIRGIL STANDS, HEAD HUNG LOW, WHEN AN ATHLETIC, HANDSOME MAN DANCES PAST.
PENIS:
Look at the arse on that, phwoar!
VIRGIL RAISES HIS ARMS HEAVENWARD.
VIRGIL:
(SCREAMS) I have a gay penis!


SCENE 22. JESUS
INT: CHURCH. A PRIEST ADDRESSES HIS CONGREGATION.
PRIEST:
When I look at the world, I feel great sorrow at what a cynical creation we have become.
CUT TO: JESUS IN THE CONGREGATION, NODDING AGREEMENT.
PRIEST:
All of us need to find Jesus again.
JESUS:
Here I am.
THE PRIEST PAUSES, SLIGHTLY ANNOYED BUT CONTINUES.
PRIEST:
What do we need to do to find Jesus?
JESUS:
Nothing, I’m here, my child.
PRIEST:
Sod off! There's always one, isn’t there? (MOCKING MANNER) I’m the son on God, I am. Fecking nutters!
PRIEST NODS HIS HEAD AS A SIGNAL TO TWO GIANT MIDDLE-AGED SKINHEAD ALTAR BOYS WHO WADE THROUGH THE SEATING AND GRAB JESUS VIOLENTLY. EVERYONE CHEERS. JESUS LOOKS SURPRISED.
EXT: CHURCH ENTRANCE. WE HEAR LOUD THUMPS. THE DOOR SHAKES, BEFORE BURSTING OPEN. WE SEE THE BOUNCERS USE JESUS AS A RAM. THEY THROW HIM HARSHLY ONTO THE ROAD.
JESUS SITS UP STUNNED FOR A SECOND, BEFORE BEING HIT BY A VAN.
EXT: HEAVEN. JESUS SITS ON A CLOUD.
JESUS:
Oh well, could’ve been worse.
HITLER WALKS PAST AS JESUS LOOKS AT THE HOLES IN HIS HANDS.
HITLER:
You’re not still bitching about that, are you?
CUT TO: TWO PRIESTS ON A NEARBY CLOUD.
PRIEST ONE:
Hey, look. There's Jesus, let’s go speak to him.
PRIEST TWO:
Nay, never meet your heroes … you'll only be disappointed.
PRIEST ONE LOOKS SURPRISED.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 23. THE TEST.
INT. OFFICE – DAY. TWO STUFFY LOOKING MEN SIT EITHER SIDE OF A DESK.
JOHN:
Are you a poofter, Sir?
CHARLES:
What?
JOHN:
Do you like cock?
CHARLES:
I beg your pardon?
JOHN:
Do you like it up the bottom?
CHARLES:
What the Devil are you saying?
JOHN:
Do you like rimming another man's arse-hole?
CHARLES:
I don't understand?
JOHN:
That concludes the Gay & Deafness test. I can confirm you are deaf, but the Gay is inconclusive.
CHARLES:
What?

JOHN BENDS OVER THE DESK, IN FRONT OF CHARLES, RAISING EYEBROW IN INVITATION. CHARLES LOOKS SHOCKED.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 24. WHEELCHAIR CRASH: PART 6
THE WHEELCHAIR CONTINUES TRUNDLING TOWARDS THE TREE AS EVERYONE TAKES TURNS TO SCREAM.
END PART SIX.

SCENE 25. DO TALK TO STRANGERS.
EXT. STREET – DAY. A SHADY LOOKING MAN APPROACHES A LONE KID, LEANING AGAINST A WALL.
SHADY MAN:
You alone?
KID:
Yeah, me mates didn't show up.
SHADY MAN:
Well, if you're not doing anything, do you want to come see my puppy? I have sweets too.
KID:
Sure.
THEY WALK OFF TOGETHER.
CUT TO: INT. CAR – DAY. THE KID AND SHADY MAN SIT IN A CAR. A PUPPY SITS ON THE BOY’S LAP AND HE HOLDS A LOLLIPOP IS HIS HAND BUT LOOKS DOWNWARDS, DISAPPOINTED.
SHADY MAN:
What's wrong?
KID:
To be honest, I was expecting something else.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 26. IMAGINARY FRIEND - PART TWO
INT: COURTROOM. THE JUDGE PRONOUNCES SENTENCE ON MIKE.
JUDGE:
Mike Jeffers, I sentence you to life for conspiracy to murder. Have you anything to say?
MIKE:
Conspiracy? How, when I’ve never met him before in my life?
JUDGE:
Take him away.
MIKE:
But what about him? He was the killer.
JUDGE:
Imprison an imaginary person? Are you insane, man?
MIKE:
But? But?
CUT TO: MIKE IS IN A CELL, READING A LETTER.
WIFE: (V.O.)
Dear Mike, I’m leaving. Your imaginary friend is so much better than you. In EVERY respect. Now I know why you kept him secret from me for so long. Goodbye forever. P.S. Did you notice I underlined ‘In every respect’?
MIKE:
And you wrote it in red. Bitch!
CUT TO: MIKE AND IMAGINARY FRIEND IN THE VISITING ROOM, SEPERATED BY GLASS.
IMAGINARY FRIEND:
I don’t want to be your imaginary friend, anymore. I’m quitting.
MIKE:
But you can’t.
IMAGINARY FRIEND:
Try and stop me, loser.
IMAGINARY FRIEND LEAVES AS MIKE BEATS ON THE GLASS CRYING “NO.”
MIKE RETURNS TO HIS CELL. A MAN IS SAT ON HIS BED.
MIKE:
Who are you?
CELL MATE:
I’m applying for the vacancy of imaginary friend.
MIKE:
Well, I guess I could do with the company ‘til parole.
CELL MATE:
Sorry Mikey, there ain’t gonna be no parole.
MIKE:
Why not?
CELL MATE:
On the way in, I strangled one of them wardens.
MIKE SOBS INTO HIS HANDS.
CELL MATE:
So, Mikey, now I’m your new imaginary friend, you can tell me: Are you a giver or receiver?
MIKE STOPS SOBBING. HE LOOKS UP IN HORROR.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 27. THE PARK
EXT: WOODS. CGI OR PUPPET SQUIRRELS GATHER AROUND THEIR LEADER.
SQUIRREL:
We’re hungry and the nuts have gone, what’ll we do?
LEADER:
We’ll do what we must.
CUT TO: INT: A LIVING ROOM.
KID:
Dad, can you take us to the park?
DAD REACTS WITH HORROR.
DAD:
Um, sorry, can’t Sam.
KID:
Why not?
FLASHBACK. EXT: WOODS. DAD WANDERS AT NIGHT, LOOKING FOR ADULT ACTIVITIES.
DAD:
(SOFT) Hello, is anybody there?
BUSHES RUSTLE. DAD SHINES HIS TORCH AND SPIES A MAN IN A DIRTY MAC, A HAT CONCEALS HIS FACE. DELIGHTED, DAD PRANCES OVER. THE OTHER MAN IS SILENT BUT POINTS TO DAD’S GROIN.
DAD UNZIPS HIS FLIES AND CHECKS THE REACTION OF THE OTHER MAN. HIS EXPRESSION TURNS TO HORROR. THE MUTE MAN OPENS HIS MAC LIKE A FLASHER TO REVEAL SQUIRRELS IN DISGUISE. THEIR EYES GLOW EVIL RED.
LEADER:
Get his nuts!
DAD SCREAMS AND IS CHASED THROUGH THE WOODS AS SQUIRRELS LEAP ON HIS NECK AND LEGS IN VIOLENT (WATERSHIP DOWN) MANNER.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 28. WHEELCHAIR CRASH: PART 7
THE WHEELCHAIR CONTINUES TRUNDLING TOWARDS THE TREE AS EVERYONE TAKES TURNS TO SCREAM.
END PART SEVEN.

SCENE 29. DID YOU ORDER A PORN STAR?
INT. KITCHEN – DAY. CINDY, A WOMAN WHO MAKES BARBIE LOOK REAL, TURNS A TAP ON, NOTHING HAPPENS. THE DOORBELL RINGS. CINDY STRUTS OVER AND OPENS IT TO REVEAL ROGER, A PLUMBER, WHO MAKES KEN LOOK REAL.
ROGER:
Did you call for a plumber?
CINDY:
No.
ROGER:
Oh, I think you did (WINKS). I’m Roger and I’m here to fix your pipes.
CINDY:
Hmm, maybe it was the landlord? Come in.
ROGER:
(WINKS) Yeah, I’ll CUM in, all right.
CINDY:
I just tried to get a drink but no water came out.
ROGER:
By the time I’ve finished you’ll be all wet (winks).
CINDY:
Is your eye okay?
ROGER:
It’s fine.
CINDY:
Right, before you start, are you CORGI registered?
ROGER:
Am I what?
CINDY:
Are you registered? I don’t want a cowboy.
CUT AWAY: DVD SHOP. ROGER IS DRESSED AS A COWBOY ON A DVD COVER CALLED ‘HUMPBACK MOUNTAIN’ IN THE XXX SECTION.
CUT BACK: ROGER TRIES THE TAP.
ROGER:
Yep, it’s broken.
CINDY:
Can you fix it?
ROGER:
I can fix you all right. (WINK)
ROGER UNZIPS HIS PANTS AND THEY FALL TO THE FLOOR. CINDY LOOKS SHOCKED.
CUT TO: CINDY TALKS TO POLICE AS ROGER IS LED AWAY.
CINDY:
The bastard!
POLICEMAN:
I know, I know. Now CUM with me and I’ll take down your briefs. (WINKS)
SKETCH ENDS.

SCENE 30. HOW TO DUMP YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
INT: BAR LOUNGE. MILLER AND PATRICK STAND BY A FRUIT MACHINE.
MILLER:
I’m just not happy anymore with her, Mate.
PAT:
Well, dump her.
MILLER:
I can’t. It’d push her over the edge and then everyone would call me a bastard.
MILLER SIGHS.
PAT:
Then get Ronda to do it instead. A decent girl like that? Should be easy to give her a reason to dump you.
MILLER:
(STROKES CHIN) Hmm.
CUT TO: INT: HALLWAY. RONDA ARRIVES HOME. SHE’S PETITE, WEARS GLASSES, PLEASANT IN A LIBRARIAN KIND OF WAY.
RONDA:
Miller? (PAUSE) Miller! You in?
:MILLER: (O.O.V)
(NERVOUSLY) In the bedroom.
RONDA WALKS UPSTAIRS AND OPENS THE BEDROOM DOOR, SHE FREEZES.

MILLER IS BY THE BED, WEARING S&M BLACK LEATHER PANTS, SPIKED COLLAR AND ZIPPED MASK. ON THE BED IS AN ARRAY OF SEX TOYS AND A SMALL PUG DOG IN A SPOKED BLACK MASK. MILLER IS EMBARRASSED. HE WAITS FOR A REACTION.
RONDA PICKS UP A PINK BAT WITH SPIKES ON IT AND SMACKS INTO THE PALM OF HER HAND.
RONDA:
Oh, do you like that? (LOUDER) Bitch!
MILLER’S EYES WIDEN.
MILLER:
Er … Ay?
CUT TO: RONDA IS NOW DRESSED AS A LEATHER CLAD TEMPTRESS.
:RONDA:
Now (SMACKS SPIKED BAT) put your balls in the vice.
EXT: BEDROOM WINDOW. WE HEAR A SMACK, A CRUNCH, AND MILLER SCREAM IN PAIN.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 31. WHEELCHAIR CRASH: PART 8
THE WHEELCHAIR IS ABOUT TO HIT THE TREE.
WOMAN:
Oh, God. Oh, God.
PEOPLE COVER THEIR EYES. THE WHEELCHAIR OWNER SCREAMS AS HE HITS THE TREE AND COMES TO A STOP.
WOMAN:
Well, that was a fucking disappointment.
END PART EIGHT.

SCENE 32. BLOCKED TOILET
INT: HOME HALLWAY. A DOORBELL RINGS. A WOMAN (30) ANSWERS IT. ON THE DOORSTEP IS A PLUMBER.
WOMAN:
Thank God, you’re here. My kid’s blocked the loo again.
CUT TO: BATHROOM. THE MOTHER SHOWS THE PLUMBER TO HER BATHROOM. THE PLUMBER ENTERS AND STOPS.
CUT TO: TWO SMALL LEGS STICK OUT OF THE BOWL.

SCENE 33. BAN THE RACISTS
INT: DAY – CONFERENCE ROOM. REPRESENTATIVES OF DIFFERENT RACES SIT AT A TABLE. A WHITE WOMAN ADDRESSES THE MEETING.
WOMAN:
Today we’ve been given an opportunity to erase all the racially abusive words from our language, words so offensive that they’ll now carry a life sentence. So please, let’s begin by nominating words to ban.
AN ASIAN MAN STANDS.
ASIAN MAN:
Paki.
A MURMER OF AGREEMENT. THE ASIAN MAN SITS. A BLACK MAN STANDS.
BLACK MAN:
Nigger.
MORE MURMERS OF AGREEMENT. THE BLACK MAN SITS. A WHITE MAN WITH RED HAIR STANDS.
RED HEAD MAN:
Ginga.
THE MAN LOOKS AROUND EXPECTING AGREEMENT BUT THERE’S SILENCE.
WOMAN:
Don’t be so fucking stupid, ya ginger twat.
THE TABLE ERUPTS IN AGREEMENT.
BLACK MAN:
Yeah, fuck off ginger pubes.
ASIAN MAN:
Carrot wanker.
WOMAN:
You’ve been tango’d.
INSULTS CONTINUE AS THE MAN BOWS HIS HEAD AND EXITS.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 34. DAD RACERS
PAUL, AN 18 YEAR OLD CHAV WEARING TRACKSUIT AND BASEBALL CAP, PUSHES A PRAM DOWN A HIGH STREET. HE’S JOINED BY ANOTHER CHAV, HIS AGE, ALSO PUSHING A PRAM.
PAUL:
Been out much lately, spinning some wheels?
DAVE:
Nah, my days hanging outside McDonalds with the rest of the street crew are well over. Got rid of me motor when little Britney here came along.
PAUL:
Yeah, me too. I sold the Saxo to buy this pram.
DAVE:
So … you miss it?
PAUL:
The racing? Nah.
DAVE:
(UNCONVINCING) Me neither.
THEY STOP AT A CROSSING. WHILE WAITING FOR THE GREEN MAN, DAVE EDGES TOWARDS THE CURB. PAUL NOTICES AND STARTS GETTING CLOSER. DAVE GIVES PAUL A SERIOUS LOOK AND GETS A TIGHT GRIP OF THE PRAM’S HANDLE BAR. PAUL GETS IN A SPRINT POSITION. BOTH CHECK OUT EACH OTHERS ‘PRAMS’. THE BABIES LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND BABY TALK.
BABY SUBTITLES: OH, FUCK!
DAVE AND PAUL GLARE AT THE LIGHTS WITH ANTICIPATION. THE GREEN MAN APPEARS AND BOTH MEN RACE ACROSS THE ROAD AS IF RACING CARS.
CUE MUSIC: QUEEN; ‘DON’T STOP ME NOW’
AT FIRST, THEY WEAVE AROUND PEDESTRIANS. SOON PEOPLE ARE DIVING FOR COVER AS THE RACERS RUN DOWN THE STREET.
THE TWO MEN SPOT THE FINISH LINE, MOTHERCARE, BUT THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE PERSON AT A TIME TO GET THROUGH THE DOOR BECAUSE A GROUP OF MOTHERS HAVE GATHERED OUTSIDE.
THE TWO MEN RAM THE PRAMS TOGETHER, FIGHTING TO REACH THE GAP. PAUL IS FORCED OUT AND CRASHES INTO THE WOMEN AT SPEED. THERE’S A MOVIE STYLE EXPLOSION.
DAVE LOOKS BACK AT THE CARNAGE AND PUNCHES THE AIR IN TRIUMPH.
END SKETCH.

SCENE 35. WHEELCHAIR CRASH: PART 9
POST CREDITS: THE MAN IN THE WHEELCHAIR IS NEXT TO TREE HE HIT. SUDDENLY A PRAM FROM THE ‘DAD RACERS’ SKETCH CRASHES FROM THE SKY, HITTING THE WHEELCHAIR, CAUSING A HUGE EXPLOSION.
THE CROWD CHEERS.
SHOW ENDS.